Hindenburg reporter summoned to describe crash of Target [+Video]

Following multiple comparisons of Target’s recent $10 billion stock crash to the Hindenburg disaster, our editors asked a renown necromancer and psychic worker, Miss Courvoisier, to channel the voice of Herbert Morrison, a radio announcer best known for his dramatic report of the tragic crash of Hindenburg airship in 1937.

Miss Courvoisier, who works the astral from noon to 8:00 p.m. from her boardwalk psychic booth next to a liquor store on Coney Island, happily agreed, as she has done in the past. For a 20 dollar bill with the face of Harriet Tubman on it, she quickly recorded Morrison’s voice with a built-in mic on her boombox.

“It was easy,” she said. “The astral is a lonely place, so the dead often wish to make contact with the living regardless of their views on transgender bathrooms. This video with Herb Morrison’s Hindenburg reporting also helped.”

Below is the transcript of the audiotape.

HERB MORRISON: Target practically standing still now – they’ve dropped ropes from corporate offices; and they’ve been taken a hold of down on the field by a number of men, women, and transgendered restroom visitors. The media coverage had slacked up a little bit… The marked-down prices on rainbow flags are holding Target just enough to keep it from…

Target’s stock has fallen 20 percent – from $84 per share to $67 per share! It’s burst into flames and it’s falling, it’s crashing! Watch it! Watch it! Get out of the way! It’s crashing terrible! Oh, my! Get out of the way, please! It’s burning and bursting into flames and the… and it’s falling on the board of directors. And all the shoppers agree that this is terrible; this is the one of the worst catastrophes in the world.

Target has just lost $10 billion of the overall shareholder value! It’s a terrific crash, ladies and gentlemen. It’s smoke, and it’s in flames now; and the stock is crashing to the ground, not quite to the corporate headquarters. Oh, the humanity! And all the investors screaming around here. Ah! It’s… it… it’s a… ah! I… I can’t talk, ladies and gentlemen.

Honest, it’s just laying there, a mass of smoking wreckage, and everybody can hardly breathe and talk… I’m sorry. Honest, I can hardly breathe. I’m going to step inside where I cannot see it. Listen folks, I’m going to have to stop for a minute, because I’ve lost my voice… This is the worst thing I’ve ever witnessed.

In summary, just as the Hindenburg disaster ended the era of airships, Target’s tragic demise brought an abrupt end to the era of political correctness in the corporate world, which had already begun a decline into obsolescence, largely due to the reckless rhetoric of Donald Trump on his way to America’s highest office.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Navigator originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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