Hillary obtains critical mass, becomes first radioactive nominee

Hillary Clinton made history on Tuesday night as she received enough delegates to obtain critical mass and became our first radioactive nominee for President of the United States.

The historic moment was caught on camera by CNN as the Democratic candidate raised her arms triumphantly and emitted a blinding flash with the heat of a thousand suns.

Only CNN was able to continue broadcasting as Hillary Clinton was bathed in a radioactive glow. All other news organizations had their coverage interrupted by her electromagnetic pulse. People watching her victory speech on other television channels suddenly saw a test pattern followed by an alert from the Emergency Broadcast System that Hillary Clinton was now the presumptive nominee of the Democratic Party for President of the United States. Viewers were then advised to either evacuate or shelter in place depending on their location.

Clinton supporters present at the historic event were giddy with excitement and radiation sickness. They quickly filled out absentee ballots for the November election before being rushed to emergency medical treatment centers.

For several weeks there had been rumors that Hillary Clinton was getting close to the magic number of delegates to maintain a nuclear reaction. Pundits began to take notice when she gave a victory speech after the New York primary while wearing a lead-lined $12,495 Giorgio Armani tweed jacket. 

Messages congratulating Hillary Clinton on joining the nuclear club have been pouring in from around the world. Kim Jong Un of North Korea immediately withdrew his support for Republican nominee Donald Trump and endorsed Clinton. The mullahs of Iran also announced their support. Both countries believe that the glowing presumptive Democrat nominee may hold the secret to bigger and better nuclear weapons.

However not all countries were impressed by Clinton’s historic achievement. Russia demanded to know if Clinton misappropriated some of the uranium she sold them during her tenure as Secretary of State. Japan requested that Clinton not visit their country for fear of invoking memories of Hiroshima and Nagasaki as well as the danger of awakening Godzilla.

Despite Hillary’s victory, Bernie Sanders announced that he is not ready to quit the campaign. Bernie scientists still believe they will get enough delegates to transform their candidate into a “dirty bomb” at the convention.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Chairman Meow originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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