Cuba claims Trump’s election caused death of Fidel Castro

HAVANA – In the hours following the death of Fidel Castro, the Cuban government released an official statement blaming U.S. president-elect Trump for Castro’s demise. “The direct cause of the death of the celebrated leader of Cuban communist revolution was the “unthinkable election of the far-right capitalist reactionary criminal oligarch Donald J. Trump,” the statement says.

On the night of the U.S. presidential election when Trump was pronounced the victor, the Cuban revolutionary icon was grief-stricken. According to witnesses, a solitary tear ran down the legendary hero’s face as he chanted, “racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic,” “love trumps hate,” and “not my president” before he retired to his humble quarters where he refused to eat, sleep, or socialize. The Cuban communist leader who defied the U.S. for almost 50 years would never again leave his bedroom alive.

According to the official release and multiple family members, “the election of a deplorable nationalist figure as anti-communist as Donald Trump was more devastating than Fidel’s kind and gentle soul could bare.” The election results, combined with the former Cuban president’s age and already diminishing health, served as the fatal blow that ended the life of the famed communist hero.

Shortly following the news of the passing of such a notable icon of international revolutionary struggle, Castro’s surviving relatives declared that Fidel’s final wishes were that the United States hold an official recount of the presidential votes for “the betterment and security of all the peaceful and good people of the world.”

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Chedoh originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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