Trump threatens to make the Oscars great again

Iranian actress Taraneh Alidoosti has recently vowed to boycott the Academy Awards ceremony as a protest of Illegitimate President Donald Trump’s illegitimate proposal to illegitimately suspend visas for citizens of some African and Middle Eastern nations.

Alidoosti, who appears in the Oscar-nominated The Salesman, points out that foreign travelers to the United States have a right to come and go as they please without the illegitimate interference of the U.S. government.

“I decided not to go even if I could, because it hurts me deeply to see ordinary people of my country being rejected for what might be their legal right to have access to their children abroad or to their school classes as students.”

Her announcement has larger implications: what if other film stars follow her courageous example and similarly boycott the awards ceremony? We would be reduced to a series of boring technical awards.

We would be deprived of self-righteous tirades delivered with impeccable style by our betters.

The evil that is Donald trump knows no bounds. He has obviously targeted this poor, vulnerable woman with his threats of visa suspension specifically to prompt her decision to boycott the Oscars. This in turn is obviously his attempt to silence the calm voices of reason in the entertainment industry who have been calling for impeachment, assassination, painful death, and other fully-deserved calamities to befall him and his family.

But what if his plan succeeds? What if the Oscars are cancelled because of his existence? We depend on this annual event, the history of which stretches back eighty-eight years, as a cornerstone of our civilization. Why, before the Oscars, people had no idea what they should be thinking about vital affairs, no way of learning what they should be thinking, no guide for their moral indignation.

Evil is among us. And it has bad hair.


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EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Ivan Betinov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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