CNN — We don’t report the news, we fabricate it

Our reliable sources place 17-year old Donald J. Trump on the grassy knoll in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963 the day JFK was killed. Trump was seen speaking with a group of Russian cosmonauts and two Martians just before the fatal shots were fired.

See the recently released FBI image of the grassy knoll (right).

Congress is planning to appoint an unbiased special prosecutor, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, to investigate this report from unnamed sources close to John Podesta and Hillary Clinton.

Republican senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham and Democrat Charles “Our Man Chuck” Schumer have solidly verified this story in a nude seance utilizing Ouija board and the blood of two roosters.

In a related story, broken by The Washington Post and corroborated by the New York Times, Trump was seen running from Ford’s theater on the night President Lincoln was assassinated. Trump was reportedly accompanied by two Russian diplomats and the editor of National Lampoon magazine. An attempt was made to confirm this with John Wilkes Booth, but unfortunately CNN’s chief seance reporter was unable to fully confirm this report, but we ran it anyway. However, CNN’s chief seance reporter noted, “An unnamed spirit said to us that it’s Trump so it must be true.”

The totally unbiased FBI, deep state and Media Matters are investigating the Trump-Russia-Lincoln link. A joint statement released moments ago by the FBI and Media Matters included,

“We are leaving no stone upturned. We are currently combing through Mrs. Lincoln’s laptop and checking surveillance footage from the theater cameras that most of the public never knew existed, but we created…uh, discovered them. We ARE going to railroad Trump…I mean find the culprit through modern investigative techniques…”

Mr. Trump is also being mentioned in connection with the killing of Bambi’s mom, the expansion of global warming, and the sinking of the Titanic. These are ongoing investigations, as the evidence is still being manufactured by our news staff, which includes Al Gore, comedian Kathy Griffin, Monica Lewinsky and former U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

Stay tuned.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire first appeared on CNN, MSNBC, ABC, CBS and PBS.

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