According to an anonymous leak to CNN, President Trump will disclose on September 9th, the 167th anniversary of California becoming the 31st state of the union, that he has reached an agreement with Enrique Pena Nieto, President of Mexico, which provides for the sale of substantially all of the California Republic to Mexico.
President Trump is expected to note that this sale, which he will tout as “his largest real estate deal ever,” as a win-win for everyone involved. Among the benefits the Trump administration is expected to highlight during a prime time address from the oval office, includes using the proceeds received by the U.S./Mexico deal to:
- Pay for the Border Wall (fulfilling yet another campaign promise), a wall which will now include the length of the eastern boarder of California,
- Fund all the infrastructure spending in the remaining 49 states, and
- Pay to relocate the 67 Republicans that currently reside in California.
The Trump administration will also note that federal taxes saved from the reduction of California citizens, and illegal aliens, on U.S. social programs will allow those social programs to be cash positive in less than 3 years.
Mexican President Nieto announced that he has already introduced a bill to the Mexican Congress of the Union, not to be confused with the Teamsters, asking to change his country’s name to MexiCal.
Other benefits President Trump intends to discuss during his prime time address include:
- California will now be able to act as a sanctuary state within MexiCal noting that there is much more room for the refugees who will find the climate in the State of California more desirable than the climate in US cities such as NYC, Detroit or Chicago.
- The elimination of the existing border between Mexico and California will allow drugs to flow more freely between Mexico and the users in Hollywood.
- Drug tunnel diggers at the Tijuana boarder will now be able to use their skills to dig tunnels under Los Angeles to help ease congestion in that city and allow rioters to move about the city’s universities more freely.
- The U.S. taxpayer will no longer be on the hook for any future disaster relief required once the next mega-quake hits California.
- The space in the Capitol and other DC buildings vacated by representatives of California will be fumigated and turned into “time-out rooms” for the press as well as Liberty Centers where U.S. citizens can meet with their congressmen to discuss the pursuit of economic freedom.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi released a statement stating that she looks forward to making the Mexican President’s life miserable and prefers the year round weather in Mexico City to that of D.C. Her office has already announced a schedule of fund raising activities for what is believed to be an upcoming campaign to run for President of MexiCal.
Papers released along with Trump’s leaked statement reveal that a newly incorporated real estate company, pmurT, Inc., which was intimately involved in the deal discussions, will receive a broker fee of $25 billion on the California sale. An anonymous pmurT, Inc. representative has revealed that the profits on the deal are HUGE and will be used to purchase, develop and convert all abandoned U.S. Federal facilities in California into special high end retreats and resorts which will assist California residents with managing their euphoria and transition into the nanny state they have so long desired to be.
The exact northern border of the new MexiCal is still under negotiation. Apparently the White House is concerned that certain members of congress may be unwilling to give up California’s wine country and are suggesting that the northern border align with the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge.
California residents will be issued special blue cards to cross the border into the U.S. so that the total number of California liberals entering the U.S. can be tracked and at any point in time not exceed predetermined levels. Residents that remain in California after the effective date of the sale will not be allowed to seek refugee status in the U.S. in the future.
Mexican President Nieto stated he is thrilled with the deal and is looking forward to declaring Spanish the national language for his newly acquired territory and opening SSL (Spanish as a second language) schools throughout California. He also noted that funding for the transaction would come from the Mexican drug cartels, which have agreed to provide low interest loans to Mexico so long as they are allowed to move their cash out of Switzerland and the Cayman Islands back into Mexico tax free. He also said he considers the fact that a Disney park will now be located within his country an added bonus.
White House representatives refused to confirm to CNN rumors that a similar deal was in the works for the sale of other states including Washington, New York, Maine, and Illinois.
President Trump wrapped up his statement stating, “this deal is HUGE and will help Make America, albeit a little smaller, Great Again.”
EDITORS NOTE: Hat tip to Al from Florida for sending us this political satire column.