Announcing the ‘Trump Box’ Meal Delivery Service

Trump wants to slash food stamps and replace them with a ‘Blue Apron-type program’

Obama had his ObamaPhone; now Trump has his Trump Box.

We are surprised to announce that government services are expanding with the Trump Box: A meal delivery service for those who can’t afford food. The goals of the Trump Box are to promote healthier eating, save money by purchasing food in bulk, and prevent fraud.

lettuce.jpg

The price of lettuce just increased on the black market.

White House Spokesperson Mick Mulvaney has described the Trump Box as similar to Blue Apron meal kits. But New York Times op-ed writer Bryce Covert – who does not like his meal kits co-opted by Republicans – was not happy about this comparison:

“With Blue Apron, you get to pick your meals and decide when they come. And it gives you all the ingredients you need to complete it. Under Trump’s plan, the government decides what you get and when you get it.”
Isn’t this outrageous? It’s horrifying that we should have to take what the government feels like giving us, even though we’re not paying for it ourselves. It’s what Marie Antoinette would call “Cake,” or what Nancy Pelosi would call “Crumbs.”

Usually we like it when the government tells us what to do. We liked when Michelle Obama told our kids what to eat. But this is different, because a Republican is president.

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Obama was a fierce defender of produce.

Many people, who have not really cared that much for fresh fruits and vegetables, are now concerned that “half their benefits” each month will arrive at their door “in the form of government-purchased, nonperishable food items.” All of a sudden, they want to give peas a chance.

When asked for a sample menu of what the non-perishable items may be, Trump’s spokesperson provided this list, which sounds like an MRE from 1945:

  • Stale crackers
  • Ramen noodles
  • An MSG packet
  • Can of sardines
  • Chopped meat spread
  • Brick dust
  • Dog food for granny, before she gets shoved off a cliff
  • Vitamin C tablets for scurvy
  • And a voter registration form, with Republican Party pre-marked.

The responses from current food assistance recipients have ranged from indignant to passionate:

  • “This will not work for me. I don’t want to be told what to eat, unless a Democrat is president. I want to eat what I want, when I want it, and I want someone else to pay for it.”
  • “I have an aversion to Republicans and whatever they provide in the Trump Box. If the boxes include a jar of peanut butter, I will spontaneously develop a peanut allergy.”
  • “Where is the fresh produce? Oh, only half of our benefit is non-perishable? Well, I don’t want the other half if I have to use it on fresh produce. That is racist.”

It’s not surprising that Trump wants black people to starve (even though statistics show that Caucasians take the most government benefits.) But we at the Cube regretfully admit that the Trump Box is a good idea.

No longer will you have to travel to the store to get half of your food. Now that we think about it, it was racist to give people a card and insist that they find their own way to the store.

Complaints have surfaced that Trump Boxes would harm Walmart, Target and Aldi, who “stand to lose billions” when the Trump Boxes start arriving. This is puzzling. Never before have we seen progressives defending the bottom line of huge corporations.

What do you plan on cooking with your Trump Box items? Share your recipes below.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by  first appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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