devilcrats

Devil worshipers cast ‘binding spell’ on Trump followers — Hillary, Nancy, Chuck send their ‘best witches’

witches-640x480In a column titled “Witches Unite to Cast ‘Binding Spell’ on Trump and Followers” Breitbart’s Dr.  Thomas D. Williams, Ph.D. reports:

A group of witches is attempting to use black magic to neutralize U.S. President Donald Trump by casting a “binding spell” to prevent him from governing.

The “mass spell to bind Donald Trump” will be performed at midnight on every waning crescent moon beginning Friday, February 24, “until Donald Trump is removed from office,” the group’s website states.

The mass ritual will allegedly be repeated again March 26, April 24, May 23, June 21 (the summer solstice), July 21, and August 19.

The spell also invokes evil on “those who abet” Trump, which would seem to appear to cover his staff and political nominees, and perhaps the millions who voted for him as well.

Read more…

The coven of devil worshipers sent invitations to Barack and Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer to participate in the “binding spell” ceremony. However, due to scheduling conflicts all four sent staffers, a.k.a. best witches, to attend, observe and worship the devil in their place. The Obama’s former pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright was not invited according to unnamed CNN sources.

According to the Free Witchcraft Spells website:

Sometimes simple spells can be the best spells. They may not feel quite as magickal [sic] as a really elaborate ritual, but many witches feel they can focus more on their intentions if they are not worrying about all the details.

Free Witchcraft has a spell for those who wish to “Bury and Banish” someone. The B&B spell, not to be confused with a Bed & Breakfast establishment, goes like this:

If there is someone in your life that you would like to not be involved with anymore, this is the spell for you. All you need is a black sheet of paper. Black construction paper is likely the easiest to find and will work fine.

Write the person’s name in the middle, and it doesn’t matter if you can’t actually read it. It just has to be there. Fold the paper up as small as you can. Take it outside and bury it in the ground. Once it’s buried, say the following out loud:

Into the ground
You can’t be found
You’re not around
I can’t heard your sound

Step over the place you’ve buried the paper, and that person will soon fade from your life.

Walmart, K-Mart and Save-a-Lot stores are reporting a sudden spike in sales of black construction paper in Chicago, New York City, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seattle.

The American Forest & Paper Association in a short statement notes, “Donald Trump has been good for paper manufacturing. The President is making good on his promise to grow the economy. Our members indicate that they will be adding over 1,000 jobs just to keep up with demand for our paper products. Hire American, buy American!”

A spokesman at the Black Lives Matter national headquarters issued the following press release concerning the binding and bury and banish spells:

While we appreciate the support of all witches and warlocks, we are concerned that the Bury and Banish spell uses black construction paper.

We believe this is racist and xenophobic. We have asked witches not bury black construction paper. Rather they should bury white folks and police officers in the ground.

This saves our trees, while reducing the world population by getting rid of racist pigs and their white privileged enablers, a.k.a. Trump voters.

This kills two birds with one stone. No pun intended

One of those who is “abetting” President Trump noted, “Does it seem like the Democrats are celebrating Halloween every day since November 8th, 2016?”

VIDEO: Bob Hope’s best “Zombiecrats” movie line ever.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire and fake news story originally appeared in Witch Craft Magazine.

starbucks isis

Starbucks plastered with ‘Starburka’ Stickers — Putin, Syria’s Assad and ISIS respond

Bare and Naked Islam blog reported that Starbucks stores in Madrid were made over with stickers that showed the female figure at the center of the company logo as a burka-clad woman:

“All the Starbucks branches in Madrid have been redubbed ‘STARBURKA REFUGEES’ in a mass sticker protest action against that company’s decision to employ 10,000 Muslim invaders posing as refugees—while unemployment in Spain is over 20 percent.

“The protest action, carried out by Spanish nationalist activists Hogar Social Madrid (HSM), saw activists print up ultra-sticky full size stickers to replace existing store signage, made up in imitation of the Starbucks logo, and plaster the company’s branches throughout the city overnight.

“A statement released by HSM on their Facebook page said that the action had been carried out to ‘protest the recruitment by the Starbucks chain of 10,000 refugees, while in Spain, unemployment is over 20 percent.’

Syrian President Bashir Assad, in an interview with Yahoo News, said that there are “definitely” terrorists among the refugees fleeing his nation’s civil war. Evidence of this claim, Assad said, is easily found on the internet. You can get a hot internet connection at Starbucks, no pun intended.

A close confidant of Russian President Vladimir Putin, who requested anonymity noted:

While our operatives in the U.S. Congress are investigating our hacking of the recent elections and interaction with the Trump administration, President Putin has stationed our ships off of America’s shores.

We are monitoring communications between members of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), members of Congress and employees of Starbucks, who we suspect of being radical Islamic terrorists. We are concerned there is a plot to undermine President Trump by bugging lattes and providing them to members of the Trump White House. These bugged grande cups are the source of leaks about conversations held by President Trump and former national security adviser Flynn with our ambassador.

Our security forces are taking these breaches of national security seriously. Our operatives in the DNC will get to the bottom of the cup, no pun intended.

Al Hayat Media Center, the media wing of ISIS in a press release states:

We are pleased that Starbucks is hiring our soldiers of Allah. God willing they will receive full pay and benefits, including Obamacare coverage.

This is a welcome income source so that our followers may support the cause by donating a part of their salaries to continue the fight against the infidels and America, the great Satan.

Our soldiers will be placing an extra ingredient into the coffees of those non-Muslims visiting Starbucks world wide. We call it the Allah Akbar surprise, or Muslim mocha madness.

Unconfirmed reports from the Hillary supporters in the CIA, FBI and Department of Homeland Security indicate that the Trump administration is contemplating designating Starbucks a terrorist organization.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire originally appeared in Roast’em Magazine.

peoples cube fascism

Flat Antifa Smashes Fascism

Flat_Antifa_Transparent

Flat Antifa

Armed with a baseball bat and wearing a fashionable rioting unisex ensemble, Flat Antifa is looking for some fascism to smash.

Fascism is anything that Flat Antifa doesn’t understand. It needs to be smashed. Fascists are those who refuse to conform to Flat Antifa’s non-conformism. They need to be smashed.

Flat Antifa obtained these views in his/her extremely expensive school, and is prepared to swing his/her bat at anyone whom Flat Antifa’s extremely progressive professor defines as extremist.

Included on the list of things to smash are gender fascism, sexist fascism, racist fascism, homo-fascism, hetero-fascism, bi-fascism, trans-fascism, adult fascism, and parental fascism.

Follow Flat Antifa in his/her many adventures and use the transparent PNG file to the left to help Flat Antifa find more fascism to smash.

Flat Antifa is a new addition to our collection of Flat Figures that include Flat Gareth, Flat Fatima, Flat FLOTUS, Flat POTUS, Flat Fattie (Michael Moore), and many others.

 

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Safe_Seating_JetBlue

JetBlue to offer SafeSeating™ for traumatized voters

Are you a Hillary supporter who still suffers from anger, depression, and seething hatred of all things conservative? Do you regard the simple appearance of an old Reagan/Bush t-shirt as hate speech that makes you physically ill? Are you fearful that you might even have to share a flight with a conservative, a fascist, a KKK grand wizard, an SS obergruppenführer, or a member of the Trump family?

Well, your worries are over! After the appalling incident in which Ivanka Trump dared to book a flight just so she could flaunt her father’s victory in the faces of traumatized Hillary supporters, JetBlue has taken steps to ensure this never happens again.

That’s right. JetBlue now offers SafeSeating™ with complimentary Play-Doh™, stuffed animals, virtual reality goggles, and colored pencils. Passengers who fly in the SafeSeating™ class will be partitioned off from other potentially hateful passengers with opaque curtains colorfully decorated with unicorns, rainbows, and Hillary in “Rosie the Riveter” regalia.

The virtual reality goggles will provide a panoramic view of Hillary being sworn in as America’s 45th president, just like she should have been all along. Relaxing images of Russia being obliterated in a nuclear holocaust as due punishment for hacking the election are available at the flip of a switch. For Sanders supporters, an endless loop of videos comparing America unfavorably with European countries is right at your fingertips.

But wait! There’s more! Each person flying SafeSeating™ will be escorted individually to and from their seat by a caring, sensitive staff member equipped with a box of Kleenex™ who’s ready to give hugs or just a reassuring pat on the hand and a warm smile whenever needed.

Now we all know that “haters gonna hate”, but that’s no reason why you should have to share your personal space with deplorable individuals. With our first on last off boarding policy for those flying SafeSeating™, you’ll never notice that such unsettling and hateful people are even on board. So sit back, enjoy the flight, and relax knowing that you’ll spend the entire flight free from the rude intrusions of reality.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Oscars_Great_Again

Trump threatens to make the Oscars great again

Iranian actress Taraneh Alidoosti has recently vowed to boycott the Academy Awards ceremony as a protest of Illegitimate President Donald Trump’s illegitimate proposal to illegitimately suspend visas for citizens of some African and Middle Eastern nations.

Alidoosti, who appears in the Oscar-nominated The Salesman, points out that foreign travelers to the United States have a right to come and go as they please without the illegitimate interference of the U.S. government.

“I decided not to go even if I could, because it hurts me deeply to see ordinary people of my country being rejected for what might be their legal right to have access to their children abroad or to their school classes as students.”

Her announcement has larger implications: what if other film stars follow her courageous example and similarly boycott the awards ceremony? We would be reduced to a series of boring technical awards.

We would be deprived of self-righteous tirades delivered with impeccable style by our betters.

The evil that is Donald trump knows no bounds. He has obviously targeted this poor, vulnerable woman with his threats of visa suspension specifically to prompt her decision to boycott the Oscars. This in turn is obviously his attempt to silence the calm voices of reason in the entertainment industry who have been calling for impeachment, assassination, painful death, and other fully-deserved calamities to befall him and his family.

But what if his plan succeeds? What if the Oscars are cancelled because of his existence? We depend on this annual event, the history of which stretches back eighty-eight years, as a cornerstone of our civilization. Why, before the Oscars, people had no idea what they should be thinking about vital affairs, no way of learning what they should be thinking, no guide for their moral indignation.

Evil is among us. And it has bad hair.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Militant snowflake: New insignia for social justice warrior

URGENT: People’s Cube can be deleted from Wikipedia, HELP!

How the collapse of the USSR felt from the inside

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Ivan Betinov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

cats womans march peoples cube

Women’s March in D.C. leaves millions of cats hungry at home

Following President Trump’s Inauguration, half a million American women put on their pink “pussyhats” and marched on Washington, D.C., leaving an estimated 2.5 million starving, meowing cats in their homes completely unattended and deprived of their scheduled mandatory hugs and prolonged belly rubs.

Organized by Planned Parenthood, Council for American-Islamic Relations, the Communist Party, and other progressive movements, American women came to Donald Trump’s doorstep to express their anger, fury, indignation, and outrage over the fact that they can’t name a single right that men have and women don’t.

Another reason to be enraged was, of course, that while they were at the march, toilet seats were being left up in homes all across the country with total impunity.

Madonna_Womens_March_250.jpgEveryone’s sentiment was best expressed by the veteran pop icon Madonna, who declared a resounding “F— you!” from the podium to everyone who didn’t attend this rally of unity and love.

Suspecting that someone might not have heard her, this seasoned embodiment of women’s virtues screamed “F— you!” into the microphone once again, apparently hoping that it would be heard as far as the White House, which she said she always wanted to blow up, admitting to having these recurrent and persistent urges for quite some time.

Madonna ended her inspirational speech with a call for love. Quoting poetic words written on the eve of WWII, “We must love one another or die,” she pointed out that love worked very well in that particular scenario, averting what could have been the bloodiest world war in history.

In conclusion, she urged the audience to chant “We choose love.” The chant spread like a battle cry among the women of different ages, colors, body types, sense of fashion, weight to height ratio, ability to shop at Armani Exchange, and sexual self-identification, who gathered in one place today to demand equality. And as they chanted “we choose love,” they pledged that from now on they will get their own way by loving everyone’s head off. And if loving everyone’s guts will not get them what they want, they will come down on them like a ton of love.

Womens_March_Trump_Fingers.jpg The prejudiced woman-haters among you will probably say that the anti-Trump Woman’s March was meaningless because half of the American women had actually voted for Trump. In a hypothetical scenario where all American males voted for Trump’s agenda and all American females voted against it, such a protest might have made sense, you will say.

You may even think that one must have not a smidgen of logic under one’s pink pussyhat in order to whip up the righteous rage required to attend such a protest, whether in America or across the ocean. Especially across the ocean.

You will also say that these women must have forgotten that Trump was the only Republican candidate who refused to condemn Planned Parenthood, for which he had taken a lot of flak from conservatives. And you would be correct! That is exactly what the Planned Parenthood leader, Cecile Richards, did: she wiped her memory clean (like, with a cloth) and spearheaded the assault against Trump in the streets of the nation’s capital, and later also in front of CNN cameras vis-à-vis Anderson Cooper.

The Women’s March against Trump happened simultaneously on all continents except Antarctica – but don’t be surprised if tomorrow CNN will also report a well-attended march of the female penguins demanding greater equality among the penguins.

The anti-penguin bigots among you will say that since all penguins look alike, such a march would be unjustified and it wouldn’t achieve any goals, if any – and in that it would be similar to the Women’s March in Washington and other U.S. cities. And this is where you will be wrong. There is actually a very good reason why these marches are being financed and professionally coordinated around the world.

Arguing the issue is beside the point. The issue is never the issue; the issue is always the revolution.

Penguins_Equality_Now.jpg

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire fake news column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Sunset_Obama

Thank you, Mr. President

Dear President Obama,

I would like to take the time to honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart for having a huge hand in creating the greatest age for satire that the world has ever seen. But aside from that, there is so much more to be thankful for.

I believe that I also speak for countless college-educated people when I say that during the dusk of your presidency we should take the time to list some of the amazing things you have done and to reflect upon them. In what could take days to talk about, I narrowed down my three favorite gifts to the people that you are leaving behind.

1.

First of all, racial relations are at an all-time high. Under your leadership and guidance, there has never in the history of the United States been such peace and understanding among people of all pigments across the board. While some of your critics may attempt to point to a huge division created by your “dishonest and manipulative” rhetoric, to all college-educated people it was the birth of a new kind of justice, different from all other kinds of justice in that it was more just and more social.

The far-right liars will say anything to smear the beautiful and sightly mark that you left behind on the very fabric of this “formerly” great country. Have no worries, we will always hold that mark in our college-educated hearts and pass it on to our college-educated children so they, too, can cherish your remarkable legacy.

2.

Secondly, I would like to thank you for how safe you have made our shining inner cities. While there has been a minor influx in gun violence in progressive urban areas, every college-educated person knows that the real causes for that lie outside our safe spaces, in the uneducated America where innocent victims of economic oppression come in contact with the sinister gun-owning NRA members.

Those twisted reactionaries dare blame your flawless gun regulations for the violence in our progressive cities that surpasses the street wars of the Prohibition era in the roaring 20s, absurdly claiming that restricting firearm ownership leads a rise in bloodshed. Every college-educated person knows that disarming law abiding citizens cannot possibly embolden criminals.

They also spread far-right rumors that the more progressive the city, the more it economically suffers, pointing at Detroit, where they say the future was promised under the dawn of progressive leadership in the 1960s but brought nothing but ruins it is today. But do not fret, Mr. President. Our progressive fact checkers have debunked that urban myth multiple times. Detroit is better off with art and culture than with automobile manufacturing. Every college-educated person knows that manufacturing poisons the ecosystem.

3.

Thirdly, and finally I would like to thank you for how safe you have made the entire world. With the help of the UN, NGOs, and various progressive think tanks, your leadership has given Europe and parts of the U.S. a taste of higher sophistication and culture through a flood of Middle Eastern migrants. Or are they refugees? You have to forgive me, sometimes it’s hard to keep up with the correct nomenclature.

A few uneducated throwbacks may still be upset about having to be around people slightly different than them. But every college-educated person knows that Europe is where white people originally came from. Ingrained racism is only natural in the “ground zero” of the white people’s breeding area, where an influx new non-white friends can be seen as cultural espionage. But again, Mr. President, this isn’t anything that can’t be fixed with more college education.

As we learn of nearly daily acts of rape and violence committed by our newly arrived guests, I would like to thank you on behalf of all college-educated people for reminding us that these attacks are not the fruit of a particular ideology, but rather of man-made climate change, which turns people into desperate animals fighting for food and water. Thank you so much for clarifying that.

Thank you for keeping us in check and allowing us to understand that those so-called barbaric acts are the fault of the Western civilization. Every college-educated person knows that the bloodshed across the world can only come as a result of trickled-down Western greed and systemic racism, and ISIL is no more a threat to world security than the American economy that is causing climate change in the first place. I’m sure future generations will appreciate your ability to prioritize these threats and to fight the greater evil first and the lesser one second.

I also have no doubt that historians will be studying you and your legacy for centuries to come, trying to find answers to such questions as, how could one man have been so smart? Is it even humanly possible to have the infallible intelligence and wisdom that you have exhibited over the last eight years? I can almost hear a college professor lecture to a classroom of diverse young minds, telling them the greatest story ever told: yours.

I look forward to the day I have my grandperson on my knee in an eco-friendly home, telling them about the glorious eight years of your presidency and how we just barely missed entering the glorious world that that any civilization could ever hope for – a progressive world under the stern guidance of forward-looking, college-educated people. We were right there, already going for the exit, but the Russians must have influenced our sense of direction by posting fake road signs, we lost our way, and then it was too late to go back.

So, Mr. President, in the twilight of your administration, we must sadly say goodbye, as the nation turns around to watch the dawning of a new unwritten era that is fast approaching. That isn’t to say that we aren’t terrified of the most hated president-elect since Abraham Lincoln. All college-educated people in this country and beyond are truly overcome with emotion. But we also know that the effects of your presidency will be felt for years to come, whether we like it or not.

They say, “red sky at morning, sailors take warning.” But what does an orange sky mean? We hope that you will stick around and continue to educate us about this and other important issues.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Chedoh originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

baracks-lies-matter

Release the BLM 4!

An Obama sanctioned BLM re-education squad have unfairly been imprisoned after capturing a white deplorable and attempting to correct his incorrect politicagenocide.jpgl opinion regarding white people and Donald Trump.

The media has told us that blacks cannot commit hate crimes and that reverse racism against whites is impossible.

How will we ever achieve White Genocide if we keep these sons and daughters of Obama in prison?

They were merely doing their duty reeducating a deplorable as instructed.

barack-lies-matter

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Evil Smiley originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

isis-housewives

BBC launches ‘Real Housewives of ISIS’ reality show — ISIS and Trump respond

Twitter and Facebook are ablaze with reviews of the new British Broadcasting Corporation’s (BBC) reality show “Real Housewives of ISIS.” It takes us into the real lives of the women who marry the followers of Mohammed. We see first hand how they struggle with day to day life as the wives of Soldiers of Allah.

Here is a Tweet from MelaninPls:

islam-tweet-on-isis-wives-show

To which Chris Beale replies in a Tweet, “The same people claiming The Real Housewives of ISIS is mocking Islam are the same people who claim ISIS is nothing to do with Islam.” @MelaninPls, we don’t find your religion funny either. So much for tolerance from the religion of peace.

One of the ISIS wives Afsana says, “It’s only three days until the beheading and I have no idea what I’m going to wear.” Should she wear the black burka or the black burka. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Another wife Mel, from Syria, loves the free healthcare provided by ISIS, some are wondering if she signed up for Obamacare online?!

Here is clip taken from the explosive, pun intended, Episode 1 of the BBC reality show “Real Housewives of ISIS”:

As the wives, using their I[SIS]Phones, post #DeathToTheWest, using an ISIS emoji, they wonder about their future married to suicide bombers. Will they receive benefits, public housing and a place in paradise?

What does a ISIS wife get in paradise, one might ask, if she dies to create the Caliphate? Why she gets to be one of the 72 virgins used by those Muslims who are in paradise. Every night, after having mad and passionate sex with a shahid (martyr) these real wives will revirginate and return to be bedded once again, oh joy.

The Islamic State’s (ISIS) Amaq News Agency in a press release noted:

Our soldiers of Allah are big fans of the BBC and watch the Real Housewives of ISIS to decompress after a hard day on the battlefield killing infidels.

Our brothers wrongfully imprisoned in Gitmo [Guantanamo Bay] for their religious beliefs are excited about being pardoned by President Barrack Hussein Obama as he leaves office. They plan to return to us in Syria and Iraq to continue the fight against Islamophobia and the bigoted and hateful Christian Donald J. Trump.

Thank you BBC and President Obama for creating and sustaining us.

Donald Trump in a tweet said, “ISIS, your fired!”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire fake news first appeared on Qatar’s TMZ (The Muslim Zone) network.

no-news-peoples-cube

Top 13 Things that Didn’t Happen in 2016

In this New Year edition of No News – Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things did not occur this year:

  • FBI: Santa disclosed ‘naughty list’ on WikiLeaks, “Helped Trump win election”; Obama expels Rudolph, Prancer, Vixen, and 35 elves in retaliation
  • California builds wall to keep out Trump supporters
  • Bernie supporters stunned there is no socialist Santa Claus, vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies, milk
  • Washington Post sues Internet for infringing on ‘fake news’ business
  • Controversy in the lab: white mold excludes black mold; Harvard biologist blames
  • ‘Petri dish cultures of hate’
  • Scientific News: Long after 1961 burial physicists uncertain Schrödinger is dead
  • Negative yielding bonds send sheep shearing futures soaring
  • Venezuelan Children cook and eat their own Christmas toys
  • Sexed-up Mother Russia becomes Milf Russia; Motherland renamed into Milfland on Putin’s orders
  • North Korea abandons cashless economy plan after learning citizens already have no cash
  • Russian hacker made me change my vote: confession of a Hillary voter
  • RELATED NEWS: Russian hackers hack FBI report on Russian hacking to make it look stupid
  • Nibiru joins Nation of Islam, renames itself Planet X
  • Convergence nears: 3-D printer prints 3-D printer

Please compare it with our prediction of the top 16 things that weren’t going to happen in 2016 and see how right we were – again!

It has become our New Year tradition to publish a list of things that didn’t happen this year, prepared with equal contributions from Comrade Will Beria.

See the lists from previous years:

no-news-peoples-cube

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

 

obama-one-to-blame-hillary-loss-peoples-cub

Op-Ed: The One to Blame (in reality) for Hillary’s Loss

Seven weeks after Hillary won California the popular vote—and by millions, I should add!—progs everywhere continue their never-ending quest for someone or something they can blame for the outright theft of a victory that should have been hers. That was always hers. That is STILL hers, if not for that pesky Electoral College.

They’ve pointed fingers everywhere, and at everyone, save for The One who really deserves the blame. The One who is now leading the stunned masses into an alternate reality in which he runs for a third term:

Obama vs Trump: Dispute Erupts Over Who Would Have Won

(The article, like all mainstream media articles these days, includes the by-now mandatory whine that Hillary still won the popular vote—by millions, mind you—so you know it isn’t fake news!)

In an alternate universe in which President Barack Obama ran for a third term against Donald Trump, who would have won?

No surprise: The president and the president-elect disagree.

A fresh dispute erupted Monday between Obama and his successor, spurred by Obama’s hypothetical musings that had he run again, he would have been victorious. Interviewed for a podcast, Obama suggested he still holds enough sway over the coalition of voters that elected him twice to get them to vote for him once again.

“I am confident in this vision because I’m confident that if I had run again and articulated it, I think I could’ve mobilized a majority of the American people to rally behind it,” Obama told his former White House adviser, David Axelrod, in a podcast released Monday.

I—I—I—I—I could’ve sworn that’s what he was doing when he was out campaigning for her. I am confident because I’m confident about that! But as Hillary herself might say—what difference, at this point, does it make?

Apparently a great deal to anyone who has totally detached themselves from reality, because it’s the only way they know how to cope with the loss of something they’d long considered inevitable and absolute.

But the reality is that he can’t run for a third term, so the question of whether he would’ve cleaned Trump’s clock in a “hypothetical” race that is closer to fantasy is moot. The reality is that The One to blame for Hillary’s loss is none other than Barack Hussein Obama himself.

She was a lock to win in 2008 until Mr. Bright and Shiny dangled himself in front of the gullible masses—much the same way he’s now dangling the fantasy of third term run to keep them stirred up. Mr. B.S. was young, charismatic, had cute kids and a wife with inexplicably beautiful arms. Who among those gullible masses could resist? And who among them cared about qualifications? Especially since he was black—who would dare oppose him and risk being called a racist?

These past eight years should have been “her turn”—and would have been, if not for Obama’s unwillingness to wait for his own. Maybe Trump still would’ve been the 2016 Republican nominee, maybe not. Either way, had Obama waited till 2016 to run, I do believe he would’ve won and we’d have another eight years, if not decades, of progressive crap (if you’ll pardon the redundancy). At the very least, Obama stood a much better chance than Hillary did. Because by 2016, her shelf life, her “best by” date, had long since expired, and she was now just another tired old elite establishment insider, another old reptile in the swamp.

Yet too many banked on her manufactured certainty. From the moment she hit the scene in 1992, they made up their minds that she would be the First Woman President, and that was that. They would entertain no other possibility. It wasn’t even a matter of “Hillary or bust.” It was just “Hillary.”

They had close to a quarter of a century to become emotionally invested in her—the better part of their lifetimes, and in the case of the millennials who voted for her, their entire lives. Millennials literally grew up on what their mothers raised them to consider an absolute, incontrovertible fact—that Hillary Clinton IS the First Woman President, barring the usual formalities. Hence the “grieving” they feel they’re entitled to, as if they suffered a death in the family. In that way they’re not too unlike those who grieve the deaths of the very dictators who oppressed them, e.g. in North Korea.

Supposedly the ancient Mayans believed the world would end in December 2012, or at least that some great momentous change would befall humanity. No doubt many on the left hailed it as the dawn of a new Progressive era. I certainly did. Until the morning of November 9th, 2016, I tied the Mayan calendar to the 2012 election, which I’d considered the point of no return. As a cynic and pessimist, I really do love it when I’m wrong. But I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone on the left is now insisting the Mayans were off by four years and it was never about the dawn of a new Progressive era, but the end of the world.

Ultimately, the left should point the finger of blame at Obama, and know the rest of their fingers are pointing back at them. For in the reality they and even he continue to reject, those who pushed aside Hillary back in 2008 to vote for him have no one to blame but Obama…and themselves.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire is by Commissarka Pinkie is a regular contributor to The People’s Cube, and is dedicated to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn’t busy making an issue out of everything, she enjoys wandering in the woods with her shovel, hoping for a chance encounter with Hillary and digging holes in which to curl up and cry—for both of them!

snowflake-flag-peoples-cube

Militant snowflake: New insignia for Social Justice Warriors

Dear social justice warriors! You have so outgrown the old hammer and sickle emblem, it’s not even funny. The working class has betrayed you and can no longer be trusted. Your new broad coalition is proactively writing a new narrative of safe spaces, microaggressions, dog whistles, snow jobs, institutionalized rapism, and climate denyism.

Your community organizers have succeeded in creating a spectacular movement of snowflakes who they hope will one day solidify into an impenetrable iceberg that will sink the Titanic of capitalism. And yet you’re still struggling to create an emblem you could put on your armbands, banners, and social media icons. We hope this design will stick. Your movement deserves an original catchy symbol.

Nazi snowflake flag

This emblem will look great on flag an armband, adding a nice touch to your school’s interior and exterior.

Nazi snowflake armband

Put it on your signs during your next campaign of Jew-hatred at your favorite campus.

Nazi snowflake flag

You can even wear it as you harass passengers you don’t like on your flight to San Francisco, and no one will dare take you off the plane once they see your official SJW status.

Nazi snowflake armband

And feel free to use the SafeSeating™ sign we have made for you earlier.

Nazi snowflake

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

george-soreass-and-son

Hungary American Terrorists

When someone funds and drives unrest, riots and beyond in an effort to destabilize a sovereign country – and it results is death and destruction – what do you call that?

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire video is by Inner Layer. This video was also posted on The Peoples Cube by JosephStalinthe3rd

peoples-cube-trump-speaking-to-russian-hackers

Russian hackers more numerous than previously thought

Suspicions of Russian meddling in U.S. elections were confirmed Monday, when in the course of the Wisconsin recount Russian hackers succeeded in adding 131 more votes to Trump’s victory.

“The real winners in this recount were the Russian hackers,” DNC spokesperson Shepard Smith said in a statement during his regular FNC broadcast. “It is now absolutely clear that American election results accurately reflect the will of Vladimir Putin, regardless of whether the ballots were counted by hand or by machine.”

In the meantime, president-elect Donald Trump continued his post-election thank-you tour throughout the country, expressing gratitude to Russian hackers everywhere who helped him get to the White House. After making a stop in Cincinnati, Ohio, known for its thriving Russian hacking community, Trump went to Iowa, Michigan, and other predominantly Russian states whose hackers were vital to his win.

At every leg of his tour, the president-elect’s speeches attracted large crowds of enthusiastic Russian hackers, whose numbers turned out to be much greater than any Democratic strategist within the intelligence community had anticipated.

“It’s really terrifying that these tens of thousands of embedded Russian hackers look no different than everyday working class Americans,” admitted John Podesta, a CIA insider responsible for the recent leak concerning RussiaGate to the Washington Post.

Russian hackers for Trump

Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan along with Senators Mitch McConnell, John McCain, and Lindsey Graham joined Podesta’s condemnation of Russian hackers. “These Russians are not our friends,” McConnell said. “Any influence on our predetermined elections coming from such far-away and foreign to us states as Iowa, Michigan, or Wisconsin is disturbing, unacceptable, and requires a bipartisan investigation.”

“It defies belief that some Republicans would be reluctant to investigate Russian hackers,” McConnell said, adding that the hackers are hiding in plain sight. “Go to any Trump rally – the place is packed with tens of thousands of Russian hackers. They’re attracted to Trump like bees to honey. I demand that we investigate every single one of them.”

Russian hackers for Trump

An interview with a Russian hacker

Our investigative team went to a Trump rally in West Allis, Wisconsin, hoping to interview some of the Russian hackers there. They were easy to spot by their red “Make America Great Again” hats – which, according to our CIA sources, Russian hackers wear to secretly identify themselves to each other.

We approached an older Russian hacker posing as a U.S. Army veteran, who introduced himself as “Todd Rickenbacker.” His surprisingly authentic Midwestern accent was a testimony to how meticulously Russians prepare their foreign implants.

“Did I hack the U.S. election?” he repeated our question, feigning surprise. “You mean like with an axe?” Looking like a Norman Rockwell character, which only confirmed his deceitful intentions, he added, “Is that all you’ve got now? What happened to racism, sexism, and violence? That stuff isn’t working for you guys anymore? Suppose this RussiaGate falls through as well, who will you blame then? Will you make up some new crap – or just go straight back to calling us racists?”

“Todd” was interrupted by a dark-skinned Russian hacker named “Chuck,” who looked African-American – most likely an elaborate makeup job that the KGB spies are notorious for. “Chuck’s” authoritative tone suggested he was “Todd’s” handler. “We’re going to drain the swamp,” he declared. “And all the establishment parasites pushing this RussiaGate nonsense, Democrat or Republican, they’re the ones with the most to lose. They’ve panicked and abandoned all pretense. Good. We’ll remember their names. What is your name?”

Feeling threatened, we quickly walked away and approached a younger couple of Russian hackers nearby – a husband and wife, or that’s what they wanted us to believe, who might as well be cast for the popular FX series, The Americans. They introduced themselves as “the Smiths” – obviously a fake name.

“Yes, we hacked the election,” the woman laughed, admitting her guilt. “Why don’t you go ahead and arrest us – and everybody else in this room? There are only fifteen thousand of us here, and a couple thousand standing outside, waiting to be rounded up. And sixty one million more all over the country.”

Sixty one million Russian hackers operating in the United States? The divulged number was staggering. We felt lucky to have recorded her confession; it would be solid evidence during the upcoming investigation of foreign interference in our democratic process.

“All we do is drink vodka and hack computers,” her husband bragged. “Vodka gives us superpowers.”

“There was an entire billion-dollar American media machine working against Trump, with all its newspapers, websites, radio, and cable news channels,” he continued. “There also was a billion-dollar American music industry, and the entire American movie industry that went out against Trump, with all the American actors, producers, and all kinds of celebrities agitating against Trump. Then there was this intense anti-Trump indoctrination in American public schools, colleges, and universities. Most importantly, there was this massive and powerful political establishment, both Democrat and Republican, that was determined to crush Trump.”

“Taken together, it’s the mightiest empire known to man,” he continued. “And then some vodka-swilling Russian hackers show up and knock it down with one hack. Can you believe that? Powerful stuff, that vodka. You should try it sometime. But it has to be made of beets or it won’t work.”

“Please describe how exactly you were able to hack into all these voting machines if they weren’t hooked up to the Internet,” we asked, hoping for more groundbreaking revelations.

“We didn’t,” he said. “The only charge, still unproven, is the theft of a bunch of emails showing how the Democrats were conspiring to steal the election. Russians didn’t write those emails, America’s top Democrats did. So they are now accusing Russians of trying to rig the election by showing everybody how the Democrats were trying to rig the election. Shouldn’t there be a bipartisan commission to investigate the Democrats?”

Russian hackers for Trump

At that point a senior Russian hacker stepped out of the crowd and started speaking directly into the camera. “You commies know more about RussiaGate than we do,” he shouted. “You always depended on Russia for everything. When we said ‘Russian propaganda,’ you called it ‘Red Scare’ to ridicule us. Without Russia you wouldn’t know what to say, how to think, or how to present the news. We lost Vietnam because of it, and we almost lost America because of it. Of course you’d think nothing ever happens without Russia. How more revealing can you be?”

A fellow senior Russian hacker stepped in to explain. “What Ronnie is trying to say here is that you commie scumbags loved the KGB propaganda and profited from it, but the one time Russia told the truth, you clutch your pearls and demand smelling salts.”

At that point we had all the information we needed. We went back to our Washington, DC, headquarters, congratulating each other on a successful investigative mission. But something we had heard kept nagging at us: what if we succeed in proving that Russian hackers were, in fact, the reason for Trump’s victory? Wouldn’t that take away our ability to blame his victory on white supremacism?

To give up a premise that allows us to call half of Americans racists was the toughest decision we faced in our lives. And so we decided not to decide anything ourselves, but instead wait for our bureau chief to return from his trip to the Kremlin. He will tell us what to think.

Russian hackers for Trump

EDITORS NOTE: This fake-Media political satire originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. And here’s the notorious shady group known as “Russian Hackers for Trump.” It’s a love story.

fake-news-sites-we-love

List of ‘Fake News Blogs We Love’

Comrades! Is good news. Our glorious Party Organ is now officially recognized by PR Newswire as good reading for the toiling workers and peasants. Beet vodka on house!

Blog Profiles: Fake News Blogs

Fake news stories are dominating headlines in more ways than one. Here are four blogs that you can trust to be satirical.

The healthcare field is stressful and at times heartbreaking. Gomer Blog pokes fun at all aspects of the medical field. I found the CDC’s blood gravy content chart helpful during the holiday season. After all, “friends don’t let friends drive drunk on gravy.” If you find yourself at a hospital anytime soon, I recommend reviewing Know Your White Coats. This article breaks down the unseen differences in the lab coats worn by medical professionals.
Follow @GomerBlog Twitter.

The People’s Cube will help you find your “Inner Comrade” and denounce capitalism with strong communist views. I highly recommend the made-for-the-internet recreation of the out-of-print Red Primer for Children written by Victor Vash.
Follow @ThePeoplesCube on Twitter.

The Onion is best known for its made-up news headlines like Facebook User Verifies Truth Of Article By Carefully Checking It Against Own Preconceived Opinions and Longtime Reader Of Lib-Slaves.info Sick Of Mainstream Bias On Sites Like WideAwakePatriot.com. It also condenses important issues like the What You Need to Know About the Dakota Access Pipeline for better comprehension.
Follow @TheOnion on Twitter.

The Duffel Blog is the military version of The Onion, outrageous headlines and all.
Trump taps Ashley Madison to lead Veterans’ Affairs almost had me believing. And a case to the truth in humor could be made with Mattis looking forward to 12-hour work days, being blamed for everything military does wrong.
Follow @DuffelBlog Twitter.

In this Five Year Plan we pledge to toil even harder to fulfil the Party’s quota of fake news ahead of schedule!