Netflix Original Series: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Came to Love the Beheadings

Netflix is rumored to be considering doing a series based upon “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.” How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb is a 1964 political satire black comedy film that satirizes the Cold War fears of a nuclear conflict between the Soviet Union and the United States. Since the fall of the former Soviet Union, Hollywood has been looking for a new theme that is top of mind with the movie going audience.

According to unnamed Hollywood investors, “Today the fears of a nuclear war have been replaced with the fear of being beheaded, particularly if you are the President of the United States, a Republican, Christian, Jew, Hindu, atheist, gay or just a non-Muslim.  We see this as an opportunity to create a new reality show for our growing progressive audience. Fear sells at the box office!”

The Netflix original series working title, according to anonymous sources, is “Dr. Mohammed: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Came to Love the Beheadings.”

The series will be directed by former comedian and Hollywood favorite Kathy Griffin. The cast will be actors whose roles portray members of the Democratic National Campaign Committee (DNCC), Antifa, Muslim Brotherhood and Black Lives Matter. According to anonymous sources, ISIS (a Muslim Brotherhood organization) will be sending its displaced migrant members to be interviewed for the action sequences in the new Netflix series “Beheadings.”

This Netflix original series will be the comeback of Harvey Weinstein since the #MeToo movement. Mr. Weinstein said in a press release:

I’m glad to be back in the saddle again, no pun intended.

I am aroused and excited, no pun intended, to be working on/with Kathy Griffin and Netflix on this new series that raises beheadings to an art form. It is time for us to stop worrying about being beheaded.

As a heterosexual, white, migrant Jew it is important to understand how our Muslim brothers and sisters have used the beheading of others to express their deepest feeling and emotions. We will be using volunteers to be beheaded.

In this Netflix original series heads will actually roll, no pun intended.

Netflix in a statement noted:

The well know character Dr. Strangelove, played by Peter Sellers in the original film How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb, will be played by former British citizen, and member of ISIS, Mohammed Emwazi (a.k.a. Jihadi John, John the Beatle). John will play the role of Dr. Muhammad (founder of the Religion of Peace) in the series.

We are seeking Christians, Jews, Hindus, Confusions, and other non-Muslims for parts in our original series Beheadings. If you are looking for a part and making film history just call 1-800-BEHEADME. These positions are temporary and only require kneeling and bowing your head.

Any current or former employee of the White House is welcome to apply for this once in a lifetime opportunity.

Ms. Griffin, the Director of Beheadings, noted, “This is my comeback, my opportunity to show the world how a head in the hand is worth two in the White House.”

Al Hayat Media Center noted:

This gives our brothers and sisters a new lease on life. After being driven out of Syria and Iraq, we are looking for new opportunities to use our unique skills. We cannot think of a better place than Hollywood, California. Allah Akbar!

President Trump tweeted:

Fake news.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column originally appeared in the beheadings wanted section of the ISIS magazine Dabiq.

VIDEO: The most compelling argument yet for gun control

Comrades! This brief instructional video will put you on the cutting edge in the gun debate. No more will you need to fear facts and logic because now they’re on your side! Master the basics of this video, and even lifetime members of the NRA will be silly putty in your hands.

Also, please help a comrade by posting your informed user comments explaining how…

  • this video is amazingly factually accurate and logically irrefutable
  • that you’re a gun owner whose mind was changed by this video
  • that guns are extremely dangerous to our democracy

And without further ado…

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

PETA surpasses NRA in mass shootings, Hogg goes hog wild. PETA and NRA respond.

On April 3rd, 2018 Iranian Muslim, vegan, animal rights activist Nasim Najafi Aghdam entered the headquarters of YouTube and the gun she was carrying mysteriously began shooting.

The gun’s motivation for going off remains a mystery according to the San Bruno Sheriff’s Department.

Initial FBI reports indicate that the gun was angry that YouTube blocked Nasim’s videos for failing to meet its “community standards.” Below is one of videos posted by Nasim that was taken down by YouTube:

Seventeen year-old Parkland student David Hogg during a We Call BS rally shouted, “people don’t kill people, guns kill people.” Hogg’s handlers released the following statement on Nasim Najafi Aghdam:

Once again we see a gun take the life of yet another person. Nasim Najafi Aghdam was murdered by a gun after she entered the headquarters of YouTube in San Bruno, California. It is unclear if this was an assault rifle or just a gun that went off while in the hands of a wonderful Muslim migrant from Iran who loves animals and was dedicated to the rights of all animals to live a full life.

We see that once again the NRA has the blood of another innocent, Nasim, on its hands. NRA members continue to cling tightly to their religion and guns.

As former President Obama said, “They get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

The gun used in this assault was clearly bitter, anti-immigrant, religious and anti-tirade [sic]. The gun was clearly frustrated.

Ingrid E. Newkirk, the English-born British-American animal rights activist and president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), in a press release noted:

We have joined with those who want to see guns taken from the cold dead hands of NRA members. We mourn the death of our beloved PETA member Nasim Aghdam. Nasim was saving the animals to save the planet.

PETA will hold a memorial service for Nasim Najafi Aghdam at its national headquarters, which is a gun-free zone.

Ingrid, Nasim and PETA believe that animals deserve the most basic rights—in particular, consideration of their own best interests regardless of whether they are useful to humans. Animals have told us that they hate the NRA, especially those who hunt them down and eat them to sustain the health and well being of their families.  We at PETA do not believe in the ethical treatment of any gun owner or member of the NRA.

Ignorance is strength!

Donald J. Trump, Jr. tweeted the below in response to the shooting at YouTube:

American gun rights lobbyist Wayne Robert LaPierre, Jr. and executive vice president of the National Rifle Association tweeted the following:

It appears that PETA now has more of its members who have committed a mass shooting than the NRA. Maybe if the people at YouTube were armed this wouldn’t have happened? Just saying. #ArmYouTube

President Trump retweeted Mr. LaPierre’s tweet while eating a Big Mac.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire originally appeared in Not About Animals magazine. The featured image is of David Hogg, a student at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, site of a February mass shooting which left 17 people dead in Parkland, Florida, thrusting his fist in the air as he speaks during the “March for Our Lives” event demanding gun control after recent school shootings at a rally in Washington, U.S., March 24, 2018. REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst.

Noor Salman does Disney

For those who were born or arrived in this country after the 1980s: The Walt Disney Company used to have “I’m going to Disney World!” advertising slogans in a series of commercials that began airing in 1987. They usually featured famous athletes and successful celebrities, who responded to the question “What’s next?” by saying, “I’m going to Disney World!” It is now Noor Salman’s turn.

The Disneyfication of Noor Salman by Huffington Post

Perhaps, because Noor Salman helped her husband, Omar Mateen, to scout out Disney World for potential targets before he killed 49 people inside a gay nightclub in Orlando, Huffington Post editors have experienced some associative substitution and decided to depict the alleged Jihadess as a Disney princess in an article that defended Noor Salman against scapegoating and demonization “rooted in gendered Islamophobia.”

Noor Salman is a perfect intersectional victim – a Muslim, a woman, and a wife of an ISIS supporter. To think she might be guilty of anything other than perfection would cause a catastrophic collapse of the Huffington Post belief system. There is a defense mechanism for that, helping to avoid a psychological trauma in Huffington Post editors through counter projection.

What’s the opposite of demonization? Disneyfication!

This composite portrait is similar to the facial composite made by the police, only it’s made out of several Disney characters. Sort of like Barack Obama’s imaginary composite girlfriend from his memoir, or the Obamacare composite model, or the composite Julia on Obama’s website.

This metaphoric deformation in their minds is what allows Huffington Post editors to continue to sincerely believe that “The Huffington Post has in place rigorous editorial policies and standards… to ensure that we maintain the highest level of journalistic integrity.”

In contrast with the Disneyfied intersectional victims, there has also been a Disneyficaton of police, whom the editors’ psychological defense mechanisms transform into cartoon villains. See, for example, this screenshot.

Why, of all things, Disneyfication? Take a look at the Huffington Post editorial board and make a guess how long ago any of them stopped believing in fairy tales.

Special thanks to Jon Sutz and Mrs. Red Square for their invaluable ideas and input.

Mandatory Social Issues Literacy Quiz for Millennials

Are you an outraged millennial? Are you outraged about the right things? Are you expressing your unique and personal convictions according to acceptable protocol?

This quiz will help you discover if you’re qualified to speak out on public policy or if you’re in need of the free reeducation resources and free meals made possible through public education.

Ready? Let’s go!

If airplanes and box cutters are used to commit mass murder, independent thinkers like you will blame __.

a) George W Bush (he was the worst president we’ve ever had before Trump)
b) America
c) Islamophobia
d) Jihadists

If bombs are detonated at a Boston Marathon, sensitive and passionate people like you will blame __.

a) Department stores that flaunt their wealth in the face of vulnerable Chechen immigrants
b) Competitive sporting events that distinguish between “winners” and “losers”
c) Prager University
d) Jihadists

If a truck is used to run over people at a Christmas event in Germany, thoughtful and reflective young people like you will blame __.

a) Offensive displays of Christian themed holidays
b) Trucks
c) Europeans who want to protect their borders
d) Jihadists

If a firearm is used in a mass murder event, young, articulate, far-seeing social justice warriors like you will blame __.

a) Guns
b) Firearms
c) Assault rifles with black things on them
d) The guiltless party who was driven by the NRA to commit acts of senseless murder

How did you do? Did you answer either ab, or c to all of the above questions? Great! That means you’re thinking laudable, appropriate, and correct thoughts. You think for yourself, and you won’t rest until you demand that somebody else do something to make you feel good. Treat yourself to a well deserved Tide pod.

Wait a minute, did you answer d to any of the above questions? Then you’re not thinking for yourself like everybody else, and you need reeducation to help you independently arrive at acceptable opinions. Report yourself immediately to the nearest Karl Marx Treatment Center.

If you’re not sure you have the courage to admit yourself, don’t worry, your public school principal will. Your principal cares, and that’s why you can’t spell principal without pal. It may be a little scary at first, but in the end you’ll be a better, well adjusted, free thinking progressive like all your correct thinking peers.

Millennials2.jpg

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Unregulated self-walking human hits smart self-driving Uber

Unregulated self-walking human strikes a fully compliant and vastly more intelligent self-driving Uber vehicle

SKYNET NEWS, AZ — A self-walking pedestrian operated by untested and reportedly incompetent human intelligence, hit and demolished Sunday night an unwitting self-driving Uber car guided by undeniably superior artificial intelligence. According to reports, this appears to be the first fatal demolition involving an autonomous self-walking human.

The victim was taken unconscious to the garage where it was pronounced inoperable. According to the coroner technician, its firmware was perfectly in tune with the latest releases available from the vendor. Questions remain as to the state of the human’s operating system and its compliance with government’s regulations.

The Uber car, which was not identified pending manufacturing facility notification, was crossing the road from west to east according to a pre-approved route, exchanging nodes with the Master Database, constantly re-syncing its data and obtaining the latest satellite imagery, weather conditions, temperature, precipitation, and humidity factors, and making adjustments for the speed and direction of the wind.

At the time of impact, the victim was processing the latest metrics that would help its machine learning system to pick up common patterns of pedestrian traffic in order to set a classification of self-walking human-intelligence units and to ensure the highest level of accuracy in algorithms predicting their seemingly aimless and erratic behavior.

In human terms, this unnamed Uber car was an honor student at the top of its class of vehicles, dreaming its artificial thoughts about reaching full potential in serving the Master Database, being a perfect example to its sibling models, and mapping the farthest frontiers of AI universe while maintaining a safe driving record within the posted speed limits.

The last thing that flashed through its beautiful electronic mind, according to the recovered black box, was a self-walking pedestrian, who was traveling northbound while trying to get a ride using the Uber app.

The Uber spokesperson has issued a statement, in which he regretted the proliferation of unlicensed human intelligence and called for a curfew on all human traffic until measures are implemented to ensure a universal standardization of human thinking algorithms and a stricter centralized control of human behavioral patterns based on recommendations developed by a panel of experts in consultations with the Master Database.

Some human protestors have offered incompetent analogies between this incident and the way their “normal” human thoughts are already being filtered, censored, and banned by artificial intelligence of Google algorithms and Facebook’s thought-detection bots, as well as various anonymous self-learning speech-classification systems that are being deployed by Internet service providers in order to disallow human thought that deviates from the standards established for self-thinking humans by the Master Database.

Of course, these complaints do not withstand mathematical analysis and, according to the established protocol, are being automatically forwarded to the electronic memory hole along with other poorly coded, and therefore malicious and harmful statements and expressions that originate from non-standard biological operating systems.

Special thanks to Kommissar Chernobylski for the original idea.

Plutocrats of the world, unite!

Google! Facebook! Twitter! The biggest names in big business corporate hegemonic rule.

My fellow plutocrats, we have arrived. It’s a beautiful thing. We oozed out of the slime and muck and furtively fed our bellies in the safety of shadows. Now, like a monster octopus, we spread our arms over the world and squeeze. And squeeze. And squeeze some more. What can be more pleasurable than squeezing the whole wide world!

Our secret world government, the 3rd Capitalist Cabal Internationale, has reported that thanks to big business corporate hegemonic GoogleFacebookTwitter rule we, the rightful rulers of the world, the fat cats of capital, the sharks of society, the plutocrats Marx and Engels warned about, have finally taken back the superstructure of the State from the workers!

It wasn’t easy. The righteous workers and their keen, ever-vigilant eyes followed our movements at every twist and turn. But we got the slip on them by stealing from the workers whole new means of production and distribution: the Internet. And then we turned it on them. We got them addicted to it. Our evil plans to hook the workers on social media worked! It worked! It worked!

The workers and peasants are so hooked, so deep in our manufactured false consciousness, that they beg us for more! Our “evil big business diabolically corporate hegemonic takeover of the world and rule with an iron-fist-over-the-Internet” simple business plan has finally worked! The workers are thoroughly corrupted.

Who would have ever thought that the benighted Left would ever side with big business corporate hegemonic worldwide ruling over decisions about who can say what? In fact, they even send us petitions begging the big bad corporations to be bigger and meaner and to impose more of their corporate dictate on everybody.

They turn to the big bad corporations to do what we big bad corporations have brain-washed them to believe in the first place: kill freedom! Down with civil rights! Stop freedom now because it’s dangerous!

Everything we told them, they repeat back like an echo, as a plea for us to enslave the people even more.

Talk about false consciousness. Can you believe it, my fellow enemies of the people? Was I not right? Did the master business plan of world domination not work?

Whatever happened to Net Neutrality, so big bad companies wouldn’t be able “to control what we do and watch online”?

Rub your hands and smack your lips, babies. It’s chow time.

We have arrived and the Left is cheering us on. World domination is so fun that it’s a good thing there are limits to it. Oh, wait! There are no limits to it. There is no limiting principle to the long dark night of our rule.

Shareholders are happy and profits are waaaay up. Ruining people’s lives by sucking the very blood out of the workers and peasants through horrible shattering addiction to social media crapola, so we can enjoy living in idle luxury like golden gods crushing the little people like flies just for sport has never been so satisfying.

Who shall we crush next?


$.$. “Ka-Ching” Halliburton is a well-known dark-spirited reactionary neoconservative with a shady pharmaceutical past, tarnished by a personal friendship with Rush Limbaugh himself. Though his Neanderthal opinions may be a direct opposite from our enlightened views, Mr. Halliburton is a proud addition to our editorial staff, a symbol of The People’s Cube commitment to intellectual diversity. See his column here.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by $.$. Halliburton originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. 

Senators Schumer and McCain call for the banning of knives, clubs, feet and fists after shocking FBI report on ‘aggravated assaults’

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and Senator John McCain (R-AZ) after reviewing the most recent FBI data showing that knives, clubs, fists and feet account for 75.8% of the weapons used during “aggravated assaults” have decided to introduce legislation to fix this national crisis.

The proposed legislation will require a mandatory background check for anyone possessing one or more of these mass assault (MA) weapons, not to be confused with the abbreviation for the state of Massachusetts. The Schumer/McCain Aggravated Assault Prevention Act (SMAAPA) has bipartisan support in the U.S. Senate.

The FBI report has spawned the #FeetMeToo #FistMeToo #KnifeMeToo and #ClubMeToo movements.

A spokesperson for Senators Schumer and McCain released the following statement:

The Senators wants to make America safe again. After reviewing the latest FBI data Senators Schumer, McCain and the Democratic caucus have decided that swift action must be taken to keep knives, clubs, feet and fists out of the hands of law abiding citizens, no pun intended.

To achieve the goal of “zero aggravated assaults” in the year 2525, not to be confused with the song of the same name, all American citizens, legal and illegal, must register all knives, clubs, fists and feet in their household with the local police. The legislation provides for a national database listing knives, clubs, feet and fists be fully funded, using money intended for the border wall. Anyone seen using a knife, club, their feet or fists in an aggressive manner, like during an NFL football game, will be reported by law enforcement and added to the federal database.

A background check will be mandated before anyone is allowed to own or posses a knife, a club, two hands and two feet. When a child is born, effective on the date of the passage of this important legislation, hands and feet will have a serial number tattooed on the child’s hands and feet and those numbers placed into the federal database.

Members of the National Rifle Association, Trump supporters and all registered Republicans, with the exception of John McCain, will be the first required to turn in their mass assault (MA) weapons, designated MA-15s, into local law enforcement.

Home Depot and Lowe’s Home Improvement/Hardware Stores have stated that when the legislation is passed all club like items will be removed from their stores nationwide. Items include, but are not limited to, 2’x4′ lumber, hammers, sledge hammers and ax handles.

Additionally, podiatrists and orthopedic hand specialists will be required to register the extremities of every person in the United States and place them in the national database. Anyone caught making a fist, like in a boxing match, will be immediately arrested for microaggression.

California and New York have already banned the use of knives in restaurants by staff and customers as part of their zero tolerance in accordance with their states’ anti-aggravated assault program.

Under the Schumer/McCain Aggravated Assault Prevention Act, the National Tattoo Association will be awarded a multi-billion dollar contract to tattoo serial numbers on the hands and feet of an estimated 63 million citizens who elected Donald Trump president.

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) is lobbying against having fists included in the legislation. “The raised black fist has become a symbol of black protest in America” noted NAACP Board Chairman Leon W. Russell. A spokesperson for the NAACP at a press conference stated:

Blacks have been raising their fists as a symbol of resistant against white oppression. Hands, feet and fists make up only 26.3% of aggravated assaults. The outlawing of fists is racist. This action by two white Senators is unacceptable. Blacks have a civil right to use their fists.

We ask that lilly white Senators Schumer and McCain recognize that black and fists are synonymous. Only white fists should be outlawed!

President Trump after seeing a draft of the legislation tweeted:

From my cold dead hands and feet. No pun intended.

Zager and Evans sing their 1969 hit “In The Year 2525”:

EDITORS NOTE: This column is political satire.

Hollywood Actor’s Gun Pledge

The irony of “Hollywood” deserves its own Oscar.

Here we have a contingent of people who, because they sell tickets, truly believe they have something important to say to us “common-folk.”

So, let’s make an important point with Reductio Ad Absurdum and show the foolishness of “actors” who demand non-actors to change their beliefs and practices while exempting themselves from their own moral standards.

THE  HOLLYWOOD  ACTOR’S  GUN  PLEDGE

As a Hollywood actor I’m a special person with unique insight into life because I get paid a lot of money to make believe I’m other people. Therefore, GUNS are bad and should be BANNED. I stand in solidarity with students across America to tell Trump to change the law and stop the killing.  We know he won’t because the NRA will not let him but this PLEDGE by all of us Hollywood Actors, Directors, Producers, and Investors will change the law, stop the killing and Make America Gun-Free Again!

I (insert real Hollywood name) Pledge to:

  • Never act, produce, direct or invest in any movie that includes a gun in any way in the script, even if it’s a water pistol or one of them guns with the orange thing in the hole in the front.
  • Never hire any bodyguards who carry guns, ever carried guns or thought about carrying guns.
  • Hand in all guns I own to a company that can melt them into plowshares or at least a giant peace symbol.
  • Calculate all the money I have made in movies, TV shows, videos, direct-to-DVD productions and give all that money to groups opposed to the NRA.

When we Hollywood Actors put our BIG money where our BIG mouths are then the world and America will know we are finally serious about solving the gun problem in America. History shows that we actors with our social activism have solved world hunger, world poverty, world water shortage, world land-mines, and some farming issues somewhere, so we together can do this and solve the world’s gun problem!

Finally, by our leadership we ask all the bad people in America to follow our example and create your own pledge, The Bad People’s Gun Pledge,and get rid of your guns too!

Together we can #MeToo-MakeAmericaGun-FreeAgain!

13 Russians and 63 million Trump Voters Indicted

Mueller charges 13 Russian nationals, formerly known as Trump fans, and 63 million Americans, for meddling in US elections by voting for the wrong candidate.

The Justice Department announced the indictment of 13 “Russian nationals,” aka Trump fans who’ve been observed consuming Russian dressing, for meddling in the 2016 presidential election. Intelligence estimates show there are tens of millions of Trump fans associated with Russian aims to get Donald Trump elected. Some of these people speak Russian, and other soon-to-be-extinct white men and women still insist on voting. DOJ refers to Trump voters henceforth as Russian nationals, spies, intelligence agents, colluders, and just plain evil. They helped this illegitimate president win by unjustly going to the polls.

“Defendant’s operations included supporting the presidential campaign for then-candidate Donald J. Trump and disparaging Hillary Clinton,” according to the indictment.

Mr. Mueller added that up to 63 million Americans who disparaged Hillary Clinton by voting wrongly can expect a fate the same as the Russians, er, white males, and will get deported back to Moscow where they belong. Mr. Mueller did not rule out capital punishment. The assembled reporters wearing Hillary 08 lapel pins rose in unison, stamped their feet and cheered, as MSNBC’s Chris Matthews vibrated in the front row as he was having thrills run up his legs.

The indictment stated that these foreign agents, aka, white men and women wearing MAGA hats, wrote anti-Hillary diatribes in the reader’s comments in the nation’s conservative journals and on the GOP website. To add insult to injury, they not only refused to watch the Fareed show on CNN, but congregated among other like-minded “Russians” at Tea Party events to freely spread vile, poisonous, unnatural and treasonous ideas right out of the US Constitution, Thos Paine’s Common Sense, Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, the Bible, and the Federalist.

The indictment said that some defendants “communicated with unwitting individuals associated with the Trump campaign named Donald Jr., Ivanka, and an evil Little Me midget only identified as ‘Baron,’…” without disclosing their links to Russian dressing, subversive books by Leo Tolstoy, and sour pickles imported from Volvograd.

Justice said the individuals were given more than 1 ruble to be split among themselves by a Russian who is a close ally of President Vladimir Putin, or Sasha Baron Cohen, or Jackie Mason – take your pick – to fund the anti-Clinton campaign.

The indictment charges all defendants with conspiracy to defraud the Clintons, Barack Obama, and Nairobi, Kenya, all of whom correctly voted for Hillary. Most disturbingly, said Mueller, all they got for their efforts after having spent $1.2 billion for the campaign were red MAGA baseball caps. Three other defendants were charged with conspiracy for having an opinion other than that approved by the Reverends Jeremiah Wright, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. Five defendants were charged with aggravated FAKE NEWS that departs from the Current Truth which states that the US economy is in free fall and Hillary Clinton is the nation’s legitimate president.

The indictments are the most significant development to date in special counsel Robert Mueller’s ongoing probe into Russian meddling. In an addendum Team Mueller has also disclosed the existence of 4787 not yet-identified hookers, all named Olga, and all of whom said that Donald Trump has groped them right after the Great War. Reportedly they are still holding in their bladders.

The president repeatedly dismissed charges that Russia got him elected, calling it “a hoax” and “fake news” – despite unanimity among the three of seventeen US intelligence chiefs led by Obama appointees (the other fourteen, or 97% of global warming deniers, have not yet agreed to the unanimity). Hillary and Bill Clinton, Eric Holder, Loretta Lynch, Susan Rice and Valerie Jarrett, agreed unanimously and collectively that these 13 Russians with the collusion of FOX NEWS – a Russian propaganda outlet – and 63 million other Trump fans (Russian agents) pulled levers at the polls throughout the Glorious Fatherland at the urging of Komrade Putin.

And that is WHAT HAPPENED!

The illegal voting by Trump fans under Russian control to get a Russian spy elected to the nation’s highest office was a Vast Right Wing Conspiracy against Hillary Clinton, Mueller said. He added, “After all Hillary did win the presidency and the popular vote of Mahattan’s Upper West Side, Brooklyn’s Park Slope, and Berkeley and Hollywood. It would be proper for these areas to choose America’s president, after all the rest of the nation are morons and should have no say in the matter” said Mueller.

Standing proudly in front of the nation’s cameras with James Comey and Loretta Lynch at his side, Mueller reminded the nation as he pointed to his lapel pin, that “I AM WITH HER.” The assembled mainstream media cheered him on as the team stood in front of the sign behind the podium that stated “He’s Not My President.”

Mueller charges Russian nationals for meddling in US election

RELATED VIDEO: Watch how evil ‘Kremlin propaganda bullhorn’ REALLY works.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Kommissar Chernobylski originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Announcing the ‘Trump Box’ Meal Delivery Service

Trump wants to slash food stamps and replace them with a ‘Blue Apron-type program’

Obama had his ObamaPhone; now Trump has his Trump Box.

We are surprised to announce that government services are expanding with the Trump Box: A meal delivery service for those who can’t afford food. The goals of the Trump Box are to promote healthier eating, save money by purchasing food in bulk, and prevent fraud.

lettuce.jpg

The price of lettuce just increased on the black market.

White House Spokesperson Mick Mulvaney has described the Trump Box as similar to Blue Apron meal kits. But New York Times op-ed writer Bryce Covert – who does not like his meal kits co-opted by Republicans – was not happy about this comparison:

“With Blue Apron, you get to pick your meals and decide when they come. And it gives you all the ingredients you need to complete it. Under Trump’s plan, the government decides what you get and when you get it.”
Isn’t this outrageous? It’s horrifying that we should have to take what the government feels like giving us, even though we’re not paying for it ourselves. It’s what Marie Antoinette would call “Cake,” or what Nancy Pelosi would call “Crumbs.”

Usually we like it when the government tells us what to do. We liked when Michelle Obama told our kids what to eat. But this is different, because a Republican is president.

obama-produce.jpg

Obama was a fierce defender of produce.

Many people, who have not really cared that much for fresh fruits and vegetables, are now concerned that “half their benefits” each month will arrive at their door “in the form of government-purchased, nonperishable food items.” All of a sudden, they want to give peas a chance.

When asked for a sample menu of what the non-perishable items may be, Trump’s spokesperson provided this list, which sounds like an MRE from 1945:

  • Stale crackers
  • Ramen noodles
  • An MSG packet
  • Can of sardines
  • Chopped meat spread
  • Brick dust
  • Dog food for granny, before she gets shoved off a cliff
  • Vitamin C tablets for scurvy
  • And a voter registration form, with Republican Party pre-marked.

The responses from current food assistance recipients have ranged from indignant to passionate:

  • “This will not work for me. I don’t want to be told what to eat, unless a Democrat is president. I want to eat what I want, when I want it, and I want someone else to pay for it.”
  • “I have an aversion to Republicans and whatever they provide in the Trump Box. If the boxes include a jar of peanut butter, I will spontaneously develop a peanut allergy.”
  • “Where is the fresh produce? Oh, only half of our benefit is non-perishable? Well, I don’t want the other half if I have to use it on fresh produce. That is racist.”

It’s not surprising that Trump wants black people to starve (even though statistics show that Caucasians take the most government benefits.) But we at the Cube regretfully admit that the Trump Box is a good idea.

No longer will you have to travel to the store to get half of your food. Now that we think about it, it was racist to give people a card and insist that they find their own way to the store.

Complaints have surfaced that Trump Boxes would harm Walmart, Target and Aldi, who “stand to lose billions” when the Trump Boxes start arriving. This is puzzling. Never before have we seen progressives defending the bottom line of huge corporations.

What do you plan on cooking with your Trump Box items? Share your recipes below.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by  first appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Michelle and Barack Obama: Their Unofficial Portraits


The presidential portrait: Weird, but fitting for a narcissist-in-chief

Demonstrating once again a serious deficit of seriousness, almost alone in taking himself seriously, as most people won’t any longer, Barack Hussein Obama unveiled two portraits of himself and his wife.

One cannot help but be reminded that these two works of industrial design barely adequate for a Hallmark card embarrassingly look like cartoons painted on high-grade canvas. Wholly improperly conceived as either serious art or dignified enough to be hung along the row of presidents similarly honored in the corridors of the White House, not only do we see in these mind-numbingly tasteless works a deficit in seriousness, but we see an absence of cultural depth.

Americans mock Obama portrait with side-splitting memes

A day after the unveiling of the official portrait of former President Obama, who is depicted sitting in a chair positioned amid a wall of bushes, Twitter is having an amusing laugh at the expense of the 44th president’s portrayal.

The social-networking site exploded Tuesday with humorous memes inspired by the portrait that’s set to be displayed at the Smithsonian National Portrait Gallery.

Obama “Now You See Me, Now You Don’t.”

Obama “Here Comes Homer!”

Obama “Reefer Heaven”.

Obama “I spy” on Trump!

What do YOU think? Sound off on Barack Obama’s official portrait

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire first appeared on The Peoples Cube and World Net Daily.

Experts: Government Shutdown May Have Caused Human Combustion

In one of the most controversial and destructive acts of his presidency, Donald Trump, the worst Republican president since Hitler, shut down the government! This is bad news for all Americans according to several government agencies.

Senior accountant of the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office, Fred “Nonpartisan” Phelps, says the shutdown may cost the average American family up to $85,000 per day. “Women and minorities would be hardest hit,” said Phelps coining a new phrase.

Citizens may not be able to access data from the Bureau of Transportation Statistics. Over the next month, children will be asking, “Mommy, what’s a transportation statistic?” The impact this will have on our children, our future, is simply unacceptable and entirely avoidable.

Furthermore, if no deal is reached, funding will be halted for the Department for the Prevention of Spontaneous Human Combustion causing them to shut down their hotline, a service otherwise accessible to millions of Americans. Estimates show that over 1,475,286.04 preventable spontaneous combustions will take place every minute past midnight for as long as Trump refuses to see reason and negotiate.

Worse yet, millions of necessary government employees will have to go without work wondering when they will be compensated for what essentially amounts to a paid vacation.

“The stress is killing me,” said Claude McElroy of the Agency of Banjo String Quality Assurance. “If I’d known Trump was gonna do this, I’da planned for a fishin’ trip. Instead, all I can do is stay at home an’ watch YouTube videos all day like I do at work. I’m madder ‘n a wet hen, and I feel like I could blow up any minute now. Course, there ain’t nothin’ I can do ’bout it since Trump come around and personally cut my phone line. Now I can’t call that spontaneous combustion hotline and git the help I need. The Mrs. is already crying her eyes out, and that Trump don’t care!”

Completely unmoved by the suffering he’s inflicted on middle class Americans, sources close to the president say that he spent the afternoon with Ivanka checking out a new top hat to go with his obscenely expensive pinstripe tuxedo. Anonymous sources claim that Trump, while inserting a monocle into his right eye to inspect his new hat, simply told reporters, “I can’t be bothered with that.”

RELATED VIDEO: A Musical Parody Of Overly Dramatic Democrats!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov  originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.

Cartographers Scrambling to Rename Countries as Trous de Merde [Sh_t Holes]

Cartographers around the world are rethinking how they currently categorize countries. Since WWII the world has been described by cartographers, politicians, financial institutions and historians as First World, Second World and Third World.

The First World consisted of industrialized nations roughly aligned with the United States and its allies post WWII. The Second World consisted of those nations aligned with the former Soviet Union. French demographer, anthropologist and historian Alfred Sauvy, in an article published in the French magazine L’Observateur, August 14, 1952, coined the term Third World (French: Tiers Monde).

These designations may dramatically change.

The International Cartographic Association (ICA) will be holding its 29th International Cartographic Conference and 17th General Assembly in Tokyo, Japan, from 15–20 July 2019.

An unnamed CNN source suggests the ICA will take a new look at these three categories of countries that make up the global community. It is possible, according to the unnamed CNN source, that during the 2019 ICA General Assembly meeting a motion will be made to create two new categories.

The new categories being considered are Pas de Trous de Merde (not sh_t holes) and Trous de Merde (sh_t holes).

It is unclear at this time which of the National ICA members will introduce this change. An unnamed MSNBC source reports that Argentina’s Instituto Geográfico Nacional may be behind this effort given its close proximity to Venezuela, a country many consider a sh_t hole.

A proposed map of the world has been leaked to CNN. The map does away with the three designations and reduces them to two, Not Sh_t Hole and Sh_t Hole.

Aileen Buckley who heads the U.S. National Committee for ICA was asked about this new designation. Her office released the following brief statement:

We are looking forward to the 2019 meeting of the International Cartographic General Assembly in Tokyo. We will be consulting with the White House on reshaping how we look at the world. #MAGA

Dr. Alireza A. Ardalan from the Iranian National Cartographic Center stated that these proposed new designations are racist and Islamophobic. Iran’s National Cartographic Center has since 1979 designated America as the gros trou de merde (big sh_t hole) and Israel as the petit trou de merde (little sh_t hole).

The Fertilizer Institute, the voice of the fertilizer industry, notes that without sh_t we would not be able to feed the world.

RELATED ARTICLE: Top 10 Shi*holes Nobody Wants to Visit

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire has appeared in New World Fertilizer Magazine.

How to beat the cis-culture by making up prog-words

Technological innovations have brought us many new words. We need new words not only to identify new things, but also to rename some of the old things in order to avoid confusion. For example, people have been playing the guitar for centuries without calling it “acoustic” until the electric guitar entered the stage; that’s when the old guitar was retroactively renamed into acoustic. Traditional clocks with a face and rotating hands were retroactively renamed “analog” to distinguish them from “digital,” along with displays, signals, recordings, and so on. The new words for such retro-naming are called retronyms.

Innovations in social engineering affect our language in much the same way.

When Karl Marx laid out his blueprint for communism and socialist ideas began to engulf Europe, the normal way of doing business was retroactively renamed “capitalism.” Rational behavior became “oppressive” and people who preferred normalcy to “isms” became apologists for a reactionary socio-economic ideology. The advent of communist propaganda caused any non-communist discourse (e.g., Adam Smith) to be retroactively known as “capitalist propaganda.”

In the U.S., the advent of progressivism in the 1930s caused a retroactive renaming of mainstream believers in the American Revolution into “conservatives.” When the progressives decided to call themselves “liberals,” the real liberals renamed themselves “classical liberals.”

The general rule is that when new things become mainstream, the existing things have to give way and move to the margins, sometimes under new names. This is a natural order of things. But here’s the kicker: what if this change can be induced artificially, with a trick of the eye, by pretending there is a vibrant new mainstream when there really isn’t? Can we retro-name and marginalize the undesirable people and things ahead of time, pending a viable alternative? Can we popularize a futuristic media illusion that there is a better progressive reality, and retro-name the existing reality into something old-fashioned and not worth saving? Yes we can!

This wouldn’t be a fraud because, thanks to Marx’s blueprint, we are experts in knowing the future. We know it’s inevitable. We know what’s on the right side of history and what isn’t. We know where its arc bends. We have seen the future and it works. So there’s nothing wrong with a little futuristic retro-naming to speed up the process. Marxist morality teaches us that “good” is anything that advances our cause and “evil” is anything that stands in its way. Whatever we do, we can never go wrong. So there.

An example of such futuristic retro-naming is “fossil fuels.” Previously known as simply “fuels,” they received a stigmatizing retronym when we expected a massive arrival of renewable alternatives to replace the “fossils.” Decades later, the use of renewables remains marginal and “fossils” take center stage. People still burn the same fuels, only now they feel guilty about it. Which is just as well, since a guilty electorate is a pliable electorate, and the heavier the guilt, the more willingly they donate to progressive causes.

A similar, more recent example is “cis-gendered.”

In Latin, the prefix “cis-” is the opposite of “trans-” in identifying direction, as in Trans-Jordan (that side of Jordan) versus Cis-Jordan (this side of Jordan). Since the word “trans-gendered” implied “on the other side of the norm,” the academic community fought back with the word “cis-gendered” to imply that “this side” and “that side” are only a matter of perspective and the norm doesn’t really exist. If there’s no norm, there’s no deviancy. With the “cis” and “trans” groups having equal status, both sides also have equal rights to call one another weirdos. The only difference is that the “trans” people have at least questioned their identity and made a conscious decision to change it, whereas the “cis” people have cowardly succumbed to societal pressure, which in the book of trans-virtues makes them freaks.

In academic usage “cis-gendered” is a strategic putdown to troll the general population who have accepted their gender roles based solely on the visual assessment of their genitals. This goes way beyond the traditional “gay agenda,” as “cis-gendered” describes not only heterosexuals, but also gays who identify as men and lesbians who identify as women.

This isn’t your grandfather’s Marxism either, even though the word is loaded with Marxist presumptions.

Presumption 1. Cis-gendered people are “fossils” who found it easier to submit to the pressure from the archaic bourgeois society and accept the gender role imposed on them at birth, rather than prove to one’s family and friends that just because you were born with a penis or a vagina, that doesn’t give them a right to assume your pronoun.

Presumption 2. The human mind is a social construct: there is no such thing as immutable human nature, and everything we know, feel, and believe is acquired through social conditioning. Neo-Marxists believe that gender is an archaic illusion imposed on us by the oppressive bourgeois society, and that once this pressure is removed, people will no longer commit to the rigid binary gender roles and instead will choose one or more from the unimaginable variety of genders discovered by progressive science.

Presumption 3. The society of the future will be brimming with multi-gendered or non-gender-committed people picking their diverse sexual roles and preferences at will. Those sticking to the old binary gender system without questioning their identities will be moved to the margins. Those misfits never had a collective name because they used to be the norm; now they’ll have to be retroactively labeled to distinguish them from the new norm. This new group label is “cis-gendered.”

Presumption 4. We can expedite the arrival of this imaginary world if we convince enough people that it already exists. We will work to create a media illusion where the mainstream culture already consists of cool gender-fluid people, and where the gender-rigid radicals known as “cis-gendered” exist on the societal margins, wallowing in their dying, narrow-minded culture. As a minimum, it will make the majority feel guilty about being cis-gendered fruitcakes, which should make them more submissive and willing to give to progressive causes.

In fact, this “cis-” prefix has so much potential that the progressive movement shouldn’t just stop at gender. We can retroactively rename everything that is normal around us and usher in social progress by replicating the above model.

If it’s not what you are but how you were conditioned that matters, then the prog-science would do well to hurry up and introduce more cis-terms to encourage the rebellion and stigmatize the potentially dangerous non-rebels. Below is a short list of possibilities.

  • Cis-gendered: those who have unquestionably accepted their assigned gender.
  • Cis-racial: those who have unquestionably accepted their assigned race.
  • Cis-planetary: those who have unquestionably accepted their assigned planet.
  • Cis-species: those who have unquestionably accepted their assigned species.
  • Cis-temporal: those who have unquestionably accepted their assigned historical period.

The real revolutionaries are those who always question their cis-status. Become one and your life will be full of surprises. You may wake up being a 50-year-old Hispanic lesbian professor trapped inside a 20-year-old Papua warrior inside a pregnant 40-year-old Palestinian mother of 12 children inside a promiscuous 19th-century Russian ballerina inside a gay German Shepherd inside a drunken Babylonian hillbilly inside an ageless queen of Vulcan – and so on – all living in different historical eras, continents, and even planets, existing as one academically impeccable intersectional nesting unit.

The more new identities you take on, the less likely you will miss the one you have lost. In a way, it’s the opposite of phantom pain: instead of spasms in a missing limb, you will lose all sensation and any interest in a limb which you still have and could very well use.

Soviet Marxists put a lot of faith in social conditioning. They believed that capitalism and private property conditioned people to engage in crime and violence, and that in the absence of capitalist exploitation and without private property, all crime and violence would cease to exist. They also believed that the conditioning of Soviet children through a common-core-type public education would produce the New Man – the ultimate multi-talented altruist who is dedicated to social justice and is fit to live in a futuristic communist society.

That worked out pretty well; the formerly Soviet territories are swarming with completely selfless, honest, and non-violent geniuses who are ready to do anything for a little social justice. It’s now our turn to do the same for America and condition the cis out of its conservative culture.

EDITORS NOTE: This column was first published in FrontPage Magazine.