grandma with water pistol

New Medicare ‘Plan G’

Let’s say you’re an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you.

So, what do you do? … You opt-in for “Medicare Plan G”.

The plan gives anyone 75-years of age or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet.

You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.

This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And now, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes!

And, who will be paying for all of this?

Why, the same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.

Is this a great country or what?

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire originally appeared in Guns and Grandmas magazine. Thanks for Wallace B. for sending this to us.

THen_Now_Wake_Up_America_Racist_Bitch

Media messaging: Then and Now

A hundred years ago (April 6, 1917) America entered World War I. The prevailing media messaging of the time was captured in these war propaganda posters.

Things have changed in the last hundred years, and so has the media messaging. This raises some questions:

Who comes up with this new messaging? Who is the target? What is it aimed to accomplish? And can a nation survive this mindset if it prevails? Could any nation survive it?

Because while the messaging has changed, the world hasn’t. It still is a dangerous place, and that is not going to change any time soon.

Let’s sum up the differences between the old and the new media messaging:

1917: Destroy this mad brute! Enlist!
2017: if you believe your own eyes, you’re an Islamophobe!

1917: Uphold your honor! Join Army – Navy – Marines!
2017: Check your privilege! Borders are racist! No ban – no wall!

1917: Wake up, America! Civilization calls every man woman and child!
2017: Shut up, America! You racist bitch!

See previous THEN & NOW:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Red Square first appeared on The Peoples Cube.

A_Day_Without_Campaign

‘A Day Without a Day Without’ Campaign

In joining the fun of a “Day Without” campaign I am starting a new “Day Without” campaign called “A Day Without a Day Without” campaign.

I know it is hard to imagine living a day without being reminded of the sensitivities and abuses faced by our perpetually aggrieved brethren but I am in desperate need of a “Day Without White Heterosexual Christian Guilt.”

Screen Shot 2017-03-08 at 10.57.44 PM.jpg

After my “A Day Without A Day Without” campaign I am proposing some additional “Day Without” campaigns to fill our annual calendars.

Please help me complete our 365 day schedule.

  1. A Day Without an Employer
    (Lets make this one a week or two just to really make the case)
  2. A Day Without White Guilt
  3. A Day Without LGBTQ Guilt
  4. A Day Without Global Warming Hoax
  5. A Day Without an Abortion
  6. A Day Without Liberals
  7. A Day Without Trump Hysteria
  8. A Day Without ISIS
  9. A Day Without Taxes

and my personal favorite…

10. A Day Without Craptek

Screen Shot 2017-03-08 at 11.04.39 PM.jpg

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire/fake news story by El Presidente originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

pelosium

Densest Element yet Known to Science Discovered

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. The chemical symbol of Pelosium is Pu. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates MSNBCobnoxium and CNNadnausium, both elements that radiate orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since they have half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.

Since it has no electrons, Pelosium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Pelosium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. In the presense of anti-morons, Pelosium can be extremely corrosive. Botox seems to distort and smooth it’s surface, without impeding it’s ongoing decay.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of approximately two years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation, appearing in a new location but displaying the same properties. In this process, assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each transmutation.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Pelosium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and anywhere there is news coverage occurring. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Pelosium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire was sent to us by a friend and is making the rounds on social media. This column was originally published in the unscientific journal Unbelievable Science: Politics and Global Warming.

youve got to be kidding me

Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers [LARK] program proposed to care for Detained Terrorists

L.A.R.K. stands for ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’

This is a joke people!

Names have been removed or changed in this internet message that has been making the rounds for years.

The letter is attributed to a Canadian Minister of Defense which tells you right away it is a joke (imagine boy Trudeau, or any previous prime minister of Canada, having such a brave and humorous Minister in his cabinet!).

However, I am posting it just to make the point about the value of messages like this that circulate to thousands and thousands of people around the globe achieving a life of their own! (This one has been circulating in one form or another since as early 2002, we learned.)

The messages contain nuggets of truth and such enormous common sense that they resonate and people send them on definitely much more frequently than any serious factual blog post I could write. (Maybe you have already seen it many times!)

And, I am posting it so that you can have a good Monday morning laugh!

It is also a test to see if some Lefties will claim I am spreading fake news.  Let’s see if this turns up somewhere to discredit my work.

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.

She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
(General’s name removed)

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Mohammed Ahmed (name shortened) is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,

(General’s name removed)
Minister of National Defense

I’d love to see a letter like this proposing that Liberals take refugees in to their own homes!  Are you a clever writer?

We have a category entitled ‘Laugh of the day’ where this is now archived.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column originally appeared on Refugee Resettlement Watch.

devilcrats

Devil worshipers cast ‘binding spell’ on Trump followers — Hillary, Nancy, Chuck send their ‘best witches’

witches-640x480In a column titled “Witches Unite to Cast ‘Binding Spell’ on Trump and Followers” Breitbart’s Dr.  Thomas D. Williams, Ph.D. reports:

A group of witches is attempting to use black magic to neutralize U.S. President Donald Trump by casting a “binding spell” to prevent him from governing.

The “mass spell to bind Donald Trump” will be performed at midnight on every waning crescent moon beginning Friday, February 24, “until Donald Trump is removed from office,” the group’s website states.

The mass ritual will allegedly be repeated again March 26, April 24, May 23, June 21 (the summer solstice), July 21, and August 19.

The spell also invokes evil on “those who abet” Trump, which would seem to appear to cover his staff and political nominees, and perhaps the millions who voted for him as well.

Read more…

The coven of devil worshipers sent invitations to Barack and Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer to participate in the “binding spell” ceremony. However, due to scheduling conflicts all four sent staffers, a.k.a. best witches, to attend, observe and worship the devil in their place. The Obama’s former pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright was not invited according to unnamed CNN sources.

According to the Free Witchcraft Spells website:

Sometimes simple spells can be the best spells. They may not feel quite as magickal [sic] as a really elaborate ritual, but many witches feel they can focus more on their intentions if they are not worrying about all the details.

Free Witchcraft has a spell for those who wish to “Bury and Banish” someone. The B&B spell, not to be confused with a Bed & Breakfast establishment, goes like this:

If there is someone in your life that you would like to not be involved with anymore, this is the spell for you. All you need is a black sheet of paper. Black construction paper is likely the easiest to find and will work fine.

Write the person’s name in the middle, and it doesn’t matter if you can’t actually read it. It just has to be there. Fold the paper up as small as you can. Take it outside and bury it in the ground. Once it’s buried, say the following out loud:

Into the ground
You can’t be found
You’re not around
I can’t heard your sound

Step over the place you’ve buried the paper, and that person will soon fade from your life.

Walmart, K-Mart and Save-a-Lot stores are reporting a sudden spike in sales of black construction paper in Chicago, New York City, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seattle.

The American Forest & Paper Association in a short statement notes, “Donald Trump has been good for paper manufacturing. The President is making good on his promise to grow the economy. Our members indicate that they will be adding over 1,000 jobs just to keep up with demand for our paper products. Hire American, buy American!”

A spokesman at the Black Lives Matter national headquarters issued the following press release concerning the binding and bury and banish spells:

While we appreciate the support of all witches and warlocks, we are concerned that the Bury and Banish spell uses black construction paper.

We believe this is racist and xenophobic. We have asked witches not bury black construction paper. Rather they should bury white folks and police officers in the ground.

This saves our trees, while reducing the world population by getting rid of racist pigs and their white privileged enablers, a.k.a. Trump voters.

This kills two birds with one stone. No pun intended

One of those who is “abetting” President Trump noted, “Does it seem like the Democrats are celebrating Halloween every day since November 8th, 2016?”

VIDEO: Bob Hope’s best “Zombiecrats” movie line ever.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire and fake news story originally appeared in Witch Craft Magazine.

starbucks isis

Starbucks plastered with ‘Starburka’ Stickers — Putin, Syria’s Assad and ISIS respond

Bare and Naked Islam blog reported that Starbucks stores in Madrid were made over with stickers that showed the female figure at the center of the company logo as a burka-clad woman:

“All the Starbucks branches in Madrid have been redubbed ‘STARBURKA REFUGEES’ in a mass sticker protest action against that company’s decision to employ 10,000 Muslim invaders posing as refugees—while unemployment in Spain is over 20 percent.

“The protest action, carried out by Spanish nationalist activists Hogar Social Madrid (HSM), saw activists print up ultra-sticky full size stickers to replace existing store signage, made up in imitation of the Starbucks logo, and plaster the company’s branches throughout the city overnight.

“A statement released by HSM on their Facebook page said that the action had been carried out to ‘protest the recruitment by the Starbucks chain of 10,000 refugees, while in Spain, unemployment is over 20 percent.’

Syrian President Bashir Assad, in an interview with Yahoo News, said that there are “definitely” terrorists among the refugees fleeing his nation’s civil war. Evidence of this claim, Assad said, is easily found on the internet. You can get a hot internet connection at Starbucks, no pun intended.

A close confidant of Russian President Vladimir Putin, who requested anonymity noted:

While our operatives in the U.S. Congress are investigating our hacking of the recent elections and interaction with the Trump administration, President Putin has stationed our ships off of America’s shores.

We are monitoring communications between members of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), members of Congress and employees of Starbucks, who we suspect of being radical Islamic terrorists. We are concerned there is a plot to undermine President Trump by bugging lattes and providing them to members of the Trump White House. These bugged grande cups are the source of leaks about conversations held by President Trump and former national security adviser Flynn with our ambassador.

Our security forces are taking these breaches of national security seriously. Our operatives in the DNC will get to the bottom of the cup, no pun intended.

Al Hayat Media Center, the media wing of ISIS in a press release states:

We are pleased that Starbucks is hiring our soldiers of Allah. God willing they will receive full pay and benefits, including Obamacare coverage.

This is a welcome income source so that our followers may support the cause by donating a part of their salaries to continue the fight against the infidels and America, the great Satan.

Our soldiers will be placing an extra ingredient into the coffees of those non-Muslims visiting Starbucks world wide. We call it the Allah Akbar surprise, or Muslim mocha madness.

Unconfirmed reports from the Hillary supporters in the CIA, FBI and Department of Homeland Security indicate that the Trump administration is contemplating designating Starbucks a terrorist organization.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire originally appeared in Roast’em Magazine.

peoples cube fascism

Flat Antifa Smashes Fascism

Flat_Antifa_Transparent

Flat Antifa

Armed with a baseball bat and wearing a fashionable rioting unisex ensemble, Flat Antifa is looking for some fascism to smash.

Fascism is anything that Flat Antifa doesn’t understand. It needs to be smashed. Fascists are those who refuse to conform to Flat Antifa’s non-conformism. They need to be smashed.

Flat Antifa obtained these views in his/her extremely expensive school, and is prepared to swing his/her bat at anyone whom Flat Antifa’s extremely progressive professor defines as extremist.

Included on the list of things to smash are gender fascism, sexist fascism, racist fascism, homo-fascism, hetero-fascism, bi-fascism, trans-fascism, adult fascism, and parental fascism.

Follow Flat Antifa in his/her many adventures and use the transparent PNG file to the left to help Flat Antifa find more fascism to smash.

Flat Antifa is a new addition to our collection of Flat Figures that include Flat Gareth, Flat Fatima, Flat FLOTUS, Flat POTUS, Flat Fattie (Michael Moore), and many others.

 

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Safe_Seating_JetBlue

JetBlue to offer SafeSeating™ for traumatized voters

Are you a Hillary supporter who still suffers from anger, depression, and seething hatred of all things conservative? Do you regard the simple appearance of an old Reagan/Bush t-shirt as hate speech that makes you physically ill? Are you fearful that you might even have to share a flight with a conservative, a fascist, a KKK grand wizard, an SS obergruppenführer, or a member of the Trump family?

Well, your worries are over! After the appalling incident in which Ivanka Trump dared to book a flight just so she could flaunt her father’s victory in the faces of traumatized Hillary supporters, JetBlue has taken steps to ensure this never happens again.

That’s right. JetBlue now offers SafeSeating™ with complimentary Play-Doh™, stuffed animals, virtual reality goggles, and colored pencils. Passengers who fly in the SafeSeating™ class will be partitioned off from other potentially hateful passengers with opaque curtains colorfully decorated with unicorns, rainbows, and Hillary in “Rosie the Riveter” regalia.

The virtual reality goggles will provide a panoramic view of Hillary being sworn in as America’s 45th president, just like she should have been all along. Relaxing images of Russia being obliterated in a nuclear holocaust as due punishment for hacking the election are available at the flip of a switch. For Sanders supporters, an endless loop of videos comparing America unfavorably with European countries is right at your fingertips.

But wait! There’s more! Each person flying SafeSeating™ will be escorted individually to and from their seat by a caring, sensitive staff member equipped with a box of Kleenex™ who’s ready to give hugs or just a reassuring pat on the hand and a warm smile whenever needed.

Now we all know that “haters gonna hate”, but that’s no reason why you should have to share your personal space with deplorable individuals. With our first on last off boarding policy for those flying SafeSeating™, you’ll never notice that such unsettling and hateful people are even on board. So sit back, enjoy the flight, and relax knowing that you’ll spend the entire flight free from the rude intrusions of reality.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Oscars_Great_Again

Trump threatens to make the Oscars great again

Iranian actress Taraneh Alidoosti has recently vowed to boycott the Academy Awards ceremony as a protest of Illegitimate President Donald Trump’s illegitimate proposal to illegitimately suspend visas for citizens of some African and Middle Eastern nations.

Alidoosti, who appears in the Oscar-nominated The Salesman, points out that foreign travelers to the United States have a right to come and go as they please without the illegitimate interference of the U.S. government.

“I decided not to go even if I could, because it hurts me deeply to see ordinary people of my country being rejected for what might be their legal right to have access to their children abroad or to their school classes as students.”

Her announcement has larger implications: what if other film stars follow her courageous example and similarly boycott the awards ceremony? We would be reduced to a series of boring technical awards.

We would be deprived of self-righteous tirades delivered with impeccable style by our betters.

The evil that is Donald trump knows no bounds. He has obviously targeted this poor, vulnerable woman with his threats of visa suspension specifically to prompt her decision to boycott the Oscars. This in turn is obviously his attempt to silence the calm voices of reason in the entertainment industry who have been calling for impeachment, assassination, painful death, and other fully-deserved calamities to befall him and his family.

But what if his plan succeeds? What if the Oscars are cancelled because of his existence? We depend on this annual event, the history of which stretches back eighty-eight years, as a cornerstone of our civilization. Why, before the Oscars, people had no idea what they should be thinking about vital affairs, no way of learning what they should be thinking, no guide for their moral indignation.

Evil is among us. And it has bad hair.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Militant snowflake: New insignia for social justice warrior

URGENT: People’s Cube can be deleted from Wikipedia, HELP!

How the collapse of the USSR felt from the inside

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Ivan Betinov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

cats womans march peoples cube

Women’s March in D.C. leaves millions of cats hungry at home

Following President Trump’s Inauguration, half a million American women put on their pink “pussyhats” and marched on Washington, D.C., leaving an estimated 2.5 million starving, meowing cats in their homes completely unattended and deprived of their scheduled mandatory hugs and prolonged belly rubs.

Organized by Planned Parenthood, Council for American-Islamic Relations, the Communist Party, and other progressive movements, American women came to Donald Trump’s doorstep to express their anger, fury, indignation, and outrage over the fact that they can’t name a single right that men have and women don’t.

Another reason to be enraged was, of course, that while they were at the march, toilet seats were being left up in homes all across the country with total impunity.

Madonna_Womens_March_250.jpgEveryone’s sentiment was best expressed by the veteran pop icon Madonna, who declared a resounding “F— you!” from the podium to everyone who didn’t attend this rally of unity and love.

Suspecting that someone might not have heard her, this seasoned embodiment of women’s virtues screamed “F— you!” into the microphone once again, apparently hoping that it would be heard as far as the White House, which she said she always wanted to blow up, admitting to having these recurrent and persistent urges for quite some time.

Madonna ended her inspirational speech with a call for love. Quoting poetic words written on the eve of WWII, “We must love one another or die,” she pointed out that love worked very well in that particular scenario, averting what could have been the bloodiest world war in history.

In conclusion, she urged the audience to chant “We choose love.” The chant spread like a battle cry among the women of different ages, colors, body types, sense of fashion, weight to height ratio, ability to shop at Armani Exchange, and sexual self-identification, who gathered in one place today to demand equality. And as they chanted “we choose love,” they pledged that from now on they will get their own way by loving everyone’s head off. And if loving everyone’s guts will not get them what they want, they will come down on them like a ton of love.

Womens_March_Trump_Fingers.jpg The prejudiced woman-haters among you will probably say that the anti-Trump Woman’s March was meaningless because half of the American women had actually voted for Trump. In a hypothetical scenario where all American males voted for Trump’s agenda and all American females voted against it, such a protest might have made sense, you will say.

You may even think that one must have not a smidgen of logic under one’s pink pussyhat in order to whip up the righteous rage required to attend such a protest, whether in America or across the ocean. Especially across the ocean.

You will also say that these women must have forgotten that Trump was the only Republican candidate who refused to condemn Planned Parenthood, for which he had taken a lot of flak from conservatives. And you would be correct! That is exactly what the Planned Parenthood leader, Cecile Richards, did: she wiped her memory clean (like, with a cloth) and spearheaded the assault against Trump in the streets of the nation’s capital, and later also in front of CNN cameras vis-à-vis Anderson Cooper.

The Women’s March against Trump happened simultaneously on all continents except Antarctica – but don’t be surprised if tomorrow CNN will also report a well-attended march of the female penguins demanding greater equality among the penguins.

The anti-penguin bigots among you will say that since all penguins look alike, such a march would be unjustified and it wouldn’t achieve any goals, if any – and in that it would be similar to the Women’s March in Washington and other U.S. cities. And this is where you will be wrong. There is actually a very good reason why these marches are being financed and professionally coordinated around the world.

Arguing the issue is beside the point. The issue is never the issue; the issue is always the revolution.

Penguins_Equality_Now.jpg

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire fake news column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Sunset_Obama

Thank you, Mr. President

Dear President Obama,

I would like to take the time to honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart for having a huge hand in creating the greatest age for satire that the world has ever seen. But aside from that, there is so much more to be thankful for.

I believe that I also speak for countless college-educated people when I say that during the dusk of your presidency we should take the time to list some of the amazing things you have done and to reflect upon them. In what could take days to talk about, I narrowed down my three favorite gifts to the people that you are leaving behind.

1.

First of all, racial relations are at an all-time high. Under your leadership and guidance, there has never in the history of the United States been such peace and understanding among people of all pigments across the board. While some of your critics may attempt to point to a huge division created by your “dishonest and manipulative” rhetoric, to all college-educated people it was the birth of a new kind of justice, different from all other kinds of justice in that it was more just and more social.

The far-right liars will say anything to smear the beautiful and sightly mark that you left behind on the very fabric of this “formerly” great country. Have no worries, we will always hold that mark in our college-educated hearts and pass it on to our college-educated children so they, too, can cherish your remarkable legacy.

2.

Secondly, I would like to thank you for how safe you have made our shining inner cities. While there has been a minor influx in gun violence in progressive urban areas, every college-educated person knows that the real causes for that lie outside our safe spaces, in the uneducated America where innocent victims of economic oppression come in contact with the sinister gun-owning NRA members.

Those twisted reactionaries dare blame your flawless gun regulations for the violence in our progressive cities that surpasses the street wars of the Prohibition era in the roaring 20s, absurdly claiming that restricting firearm ownership leads a rise in bloodshed. Every college-educated person knows that disarming law abiding citizens cannot possibly embolden criminals.

They also spread far-right rumors that the more progressive the city, the more it economically suffers, pointing at Detroit, where they say the future was promised under the dawn of progressive leadership in the 1960s but brought nothing but ruins it is today. But do not fret, Mr. President. Our progressive fact checkers have debunked that urban myth multiple times. Detroit is better off with art and culture than with automobile manufacturing. Every college-educated person knows that manufacturing poisons the ecosystem.

3.

Thirdly, and finally I would like to thank you for how safe you have made the entire world. With the help of the UN, NGOs, and various progressive think tanks, your leadership has given Europe and parts of the U.S. a taste of higher sophistication and culture through a flood of Middle Eastern migrants. Or are they refugees? You have to forgive me, sometimes it’s hard to keep up with the correct nomenclature.

A few uneducated throwbacks may still be upset about having to be around people slightly different than them. But every college-educated person knows that Europe is where white people originally came from. Ingrained racism is only natural in the “ground zero” of the white people’s breeding area, where an influx new non-white friends can be seen as cultural espionage. But again, Mr. President, this isn’t anything that can’t be fixed with more college education.

As we learn of nearly daily acts of rape and violence committed by our newly arrived guests, I would like to thank you on behalf of all college-educated people for reminding us that these attacks are not the fruit of a particular ideology, but rather of man-made climate change, which turns people into desperate animals fighting for food and water. Thank you so much for clarifying that.

Thank you for keeping us in check and allowing us to understand that those so-called barbaric acts are the fault of the Western civilization. Every college-educated person knows that the bloodshed across the world can only come as a result of trickled-down Western greed and systemic racism, and ISIL is no more a threat to world security than the American economy that is causing climate change in the first place. I’m sure future generations will appreciate your ability to prioritize these threats and to fight the greater evil first and the lesser one second.

I also have no doubt that historians will be studying you and your legacy for centuries to come, trying to find answers to such questions as, how could one man have been so smart? Is it even humanly possible to have the infallible intelligence and wisdom that you have exhibited over the last eight years? I can almost hear a college professor lecture to a classroom of diverse young minds, telling them the greatest story ever told: yours.

I look forward to the day I have my grandperson on my knee in an eco-friendly home, telling them about the glorious eight years of your presidency and how we just barely missed entering the glorious world that that any civilization could ever hope for – a progressive world under the stern guidance of forward-looking, college-educated people. We were right there, already going for the exit, but the Russians must have influenced our sense of direction by posting fake road signs, we lost our way, and then it was too late to go back.

So, Mr. President, in the twilight of your administration, we must sadly say goodbye, as the nation turns around to watch the dawning of a new unwritten era that is fast approaching. That isn’t to say that we aren’t terrified of the most hated president-elect since Abraham Lincoln. All college-educated people in this country and beyond are truly overcome with emotion. But we also know that the effects of your presidency will be felt for years to come, whether we like it or not.

They say, “red sky at morning, sailors take warning.” But what does an orange sky mean? We hope that you will stick around and continue to educate us about this and other important issues.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Chedoh originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

baracks-lies-matter

Release the BLM 4!

An Obama sanctioned BLM re-education squad have unfairly been imprisoned after capturing a white deplorable and attempting to correct his incorrect politicagenocide.jpgl opinion regarding white people and Donald Trump.

The media has told us that blacks cannot commit hate crimes and that reverse racism against whites is impossible.

How will we ever achieve White Genocide if we keep these sons and daughters of Obama in prison?

They were merely doing their duty reeducating a deplorable as instructed.

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EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Evil Smiley originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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BBC launches ‘Real Housewives of ISIS’ reality show — ISIS and Trump respond

Twitter and Facebook are ablaze with reviews of the new British Broadcasting Corporation’s (BBC) reality show “Real Housewives of ISIS.” It takes us into the real lives of the women who marry the followers of Mohammed. We see first hand how they struggle with day to day life as the wives of Soldiers of Allah.

Here is a Tweet from MelaninPls:

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To which Chris Beale replies in a Tweet, “The same people claiming The Real Housewives of ISIS is mocking Islam are the same people who claim ISIS is nothing to do with Islam.” @MelaninPls, we don’t find your religion funny either. So much for tolerance from the religion of peace.

One of the ISIS wives Afsana says, “It’s only three days until the beheading and I have no idea what I’m going to wear.” Should she wear the black burka or the black burka. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Another wife Mel, from Syria, loves the free healthcare provided by ISIS, some are wondering if she signed up for Obamacare online?!

Here is clip taken from the explosive, pun intended, Episode 1 of the BBC reality show “Real Housewives of ISIS”:

As the wives, using their I[SIS]Phones, post #DeathToTheWest, using an ISIS emoji, they wonder about their future married to suicide bombers. Will they receive benefits, public housing and a place in paradise?

What does a ISIS wife get in paradise, one might ask, if she dies to create the Caliphate? Why she gets to be one of the 72 virgins used by those Muslims who are in paradise. Every night, after having mad and passionate sex with a shahid (martyr) these real wives will revirginate and return to be bedded once again, oh joy.

The Islamic State’s (ISIS) Amaq News Agency in a press release noted:

Our soldiers of Allah are big fans of the BBC and watch the Real Housewives of ISIS to decompress after a hard day on the battlefield killing infidels.

Our brothers wrongfully imprisoned in Gitmo [Guantanamo Bay] for their religious beliefs are excited about being pardoned by President Barrack Hussein Obama as he leaves office. They plan to return to us in Syria and Iraq to continue the fight against Islamophobia and the bigoted and hateful Christian Donald J. Trump.

Thank you BBC and President Obama for creating and sustaining us.

Donald Trump in a tweet said, “ISIS, your fired!”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire fake news first appeared on Qatar’s TMZ (The Muslim Zone) network.

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Top 13 Things that Didn’t Happen in 2016

In this New Year edition of No News – Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things did not occur this year:

  • FBI: Santa disclosed ‘naughty list’ on WikiLeaks, “Helped Trump win election”; Obama expels Rudolph, Prancer, Vixen, and 35 elves in retaliation
  • California builds wall to keep out Trump supporters
  • Bernie supporters stunned there is no socialist Santa Claus, vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies, milk
  • Washington Post sues Internet for infringing on ‘fake news’ business
  • Controversy in the lab: white mold excludes black mold; Harvard biologist blames
  • ‘Petri dish cultures of hate’
  • Scientific News: Long after 1961 burial physicists uncertain Schrödinger is dead
  • Negative yielding bonds send sheep shearing futures soaring
  • Venezuelan Children cook and eat their own Christmas toys
  • Sexed-up Mother Russia becomes Milf Russia; Motherland renamed into Milfland on Putin’s orders
  • North Korea abandons cashless economy plan after learning citizens already have no cash
  • Russian hacker made me change my vote: confession of a Hillary voter
  • RELATED NEWS: Russian hackers hack FBI report on Russian hacking to make it look stupid
  • Nibiru joins Nation of Islam, renames itself Planet X
  • Convergence nears: 3-D printer prints 3-D printer

Please compare it with our prediction of the top 16 things that weren’t going to happen in 2016 and see how right we were – again!

It has become our New Year tradition to publish a list of things that didn’t happen this year, prepared with equal contributions from Comrade Will Beria.

See the lists from previous years:

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EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.