Cartographers Scrambling to Rename Countries as Trous de Merde [Sh_t Holes]

Cartographers around the world are rethinking how they currently categorize countries. Since WWII the world has been described by cartographers, politicians, financial institutions and historians as First World, Second World and Third World.

The First World consisted of industrialized nations roughly aligned with the United States and its allies post WWII. The Second World consisted of those nations aligned with the former Soviet Union. French demographer, anthropologist and historian Alfred Sauvy, in an article published in the French magazine L’Observateur, August 14, 1952, coined the term Third World (French: Tiers Monde).

These designations may dramatically change.

The International Cartographic Association (ICA) will be holding its 29th International Cartographic Conference and 17th General Assembly in Tokyo, Japan, from 15–20 July 2019.

An unnamed CNN source suggests the ICA will take a new look at these three categories of countries that make up the global community. It is possible, according to the unnamed CNN source, that during the 2019 ICA General Assembly meeting a motion will be made to create two new categories.

The new categories being considered are Pas de Trous de Merde (not sh_t holes) and Trous de Merde (sh_t holes).

It is unclear at this time which of the National ICA members will introduce this change. An unnamed MSNBC source reports that Argentina’s Instituto Geográfico Nacional may be behind this effort given its close proximity to Venezuela, a country many consider a sh_t hole.

A proposed map of the world has been leaked to CNN. The map does away with the three designations and reduces them to two, Not Sh_t Hole and Sh_t Hole.

Aileen Buckley who heads the U.S. National Committee for ICA was asked about this new designation. Her office released the following brief statement:

We are looking forward to the 2019 meeting of the International Cartographic General Assembly in Tokyo. We will be consulting with the White House on reshaping how we look at the world. #MAGA

Dr. Alireza A. Ardalan from the Iranian National Cartographic Center stated that these proposed new designations are racist and Islamophobic. Iran’s National Cartographic Center has since 1979 designated America as the gros trou de merde (big sh_t hole) and Israel as the petit trou de merde (little sh_t hole).

The Fertilizer Institute, the voice of the fertilizer industry, notes that without sh_t we would not be able to feed the world.

RELATED ARTICLE: Top 10 Shi*holes Nobody Wants to Visit

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire has appeared in New World Fertilizer Magazine.

How to beat the cis-culture by making up prog-words

Technological innovations have brought us many new words. We need new words not only to identify new things, but also to rename some of the old things in order to avoid confusion. For example, people have been playing the guitar for centuries without calling it “acoustic” until the electric guitar entered the stage; that’s when the old guitar was retroactively renamed into acoustic. Traditional clocks with a face and rotating hands were retroactively renamed “analog” to distinguish them from “digital,” along with displays, signals, recordings, and so on. The new words for such retro-naming are called retronyms.

Innovations in social engineering affect our language in much the same way.

When Karl Marx laid out his blueprint for communism and socialist ideas began to engulf Europe, the normal way of doing business was retroactively renamed “capitalism.” Rational behavior became “oppressive” and people who preferred normalcy to “isms” became apologists for a reactionary socio-economic ideology. The advent of communist propaganda caused any non-communist discourse (e.g., Adam Smith) to be retroactively known as “capitalist propaganda.”

In the U.S., the advent of progressivism in the 1930s caused a retroactive renaming of mainstream believers in the American Revolution into “conservatives.” When the progressives decided to call themselves “liberals,” the real liberals renamed themselves “classical liberals.”

The general rule is that when new things become mainstream, the existing things have to give way and move to the margins, sometimes under new names. This is a natural order of things. But here’s the kicker: what if this change can be induced artificially, with a trick of the eye, by pretending there is a vibrant new mainstream when there really isn’t? Can we retro-name and marginalize the undesirable people and things ahead of time, pending a viable alternative? Can we popularize a futuristic media illusion that there is a better progressive reality, and retro-name the existing reality into something old-fashioned and not worth saving? Yes we can!

This wouldn’t be a fraud because, thanks to Marx’s blueprint, we are experts in knowing the future. We know it’s inevitable. We know what’s on the right side of history and what isn’t. We know where its arc bends. We have seen the future and it works. So there’s nothing wrong with a little futuristic retro-naming to speed up the process. Marxist morality teaches us that “good” is anything that advances our cause and “evil” is anything that stands in its way. Whatever we do, we can never go wrong. So there.

An example of such futuristic retro-naming is “fossil fuels.” Previously known as simply “fuels,” they received a stigmatizing retronym when we expected a massive arrival of renewable alternatives to replace the “fossils.” Decades later, the use of renewables remains marginal and “fossils” take center stage. People still burn the same fuels, only now they feel guilty about it. Which is just as well, since a guilty electorate is a pliable electorate, and the heavier the guilt, the more willingly they donate to progressive causes.

A similar, more recent example is “cis-gendered.”

In Latin, the prefix “cis-” is the opposite of “trans-” in identifying direction, as in Trans-Jordan (that side of Jordan) versus Cis-Jordan (this side of Jordan). Since the word “trans-gendered” implied “on the other side of the norm,” the academic community fought back with the word “cis-gendered” to imply that “this side” and “that side” are only a matter of perspective and the norm doesn’t really exist. If there’s no norm, there’s no deviancy. With the “cis” and “trans” groups having equal status, both sides also have equal rights to call one another weirdos. The only difference is that the “trans” people have at least questioned their identity and made a conscious decision to change it, whereas the “cis” people have cowardly succumbed to societal pressure, which in the book of trans-virtues makes them freaks.

In academic usage “cis-gendered” is a strategic putdown to troll the general population who have accepted their gender roles based solely on the visual assessment of their genitals. This goes way beyond the traditional “gay agenda,” as “cis-gendered” describes not only heterosexuals, but also gays who identify as men and lesbians who identify as women.

This isn’t your grandfather’s Marxism either, even though the word is loaded with Marxist presumptions.

Presumption 1. Cis-gendered people are “fossils” who found it easier to submit to the pressure from the archaic bourgeois society and accept the gender role imposed on them at birth, rather than prove to one’s family and friends that just because you were born with a penis or a vagina, that doesn’t give them a right to assume your pronoun.

Presumption 2. The human mind is a social construct: there is no such thing as immutable human nature, and everything we know, feel, and believe is acquired through social conditioning. Neo-Marxists believe that gender is an archaic illusion imposed on us by the oppressive bourgeois society, and that once this pressure is removed, people will no longer commit to the rigid binary gender roles and instead will choose one or more from the unimaginable variety of genders discovered by progressive science.

Presumption 3. The society of the future will be brimming with multi-gendered or non-gender-committed people picking their diverse sexual roles and preferences at will. Those sticking to the old binary gender system without questioning their identities will be moved to the margins. Those misfits never had a collective name because they used to be the norm; now they’ll have to be retroactively labeled to distinguish them from the new norm. This new group label is “cis-gendered.”

Presumption 4. We can expedite the arrival of this imaginary world if we convince enough people that it already exists. We will work to create a media illusion where the mainstream culture already consists of cool gender-fluid people, and where the gender-rigid radicals known as “cis-gendered” exist on the societal margins, wallowing in their dying, narrow-minded culture. As a minimum, it will make the majority feel guilty about being cis-gendered fruitcakes, which should make them more submissive and willing to give to progressive causes.

In fact, this “cis-” prefix has so much potential that the progressive movement shouldn’t just stop at gender. We can retroactively rename everything that is normal around us and usher in social progress by replicating the above model.

If it’s not what you are but how you were conditioned that matters, then the prog-science would do well to hurry up and introduce more cis-terms to encourage the rebellion and stigmatize the potentially dangerous non-rebels. Below is a short list of possibilities.

  • Cis-gendered: those who have unquestionably accepted their assigned gender.
  • Cis-racial: those who have unquestionably accepted their assigned race.
  • Cis-planetary: those who have unquestionably accepted their assigned planet.
  • Cis-species: those who have unquestionably accepted their assigned species.
  • Cis-temporal: those who have unquestionably accepted their assigned historical period.

The real revolutionaries are those who always question their cis-status. Become one and your life will be full of surprises. You may wake up being a 50-year-old Hispanic lesbian professor trapped inside a 20-year-old Papua warrior inside a pregnant 40-year-old Palestinian mother of 12 children inside a promiscuous 19th-century Russian ballerina inside a gay German Shepherd inside a drunken Babylonian hillbilly inside an ageless queen of Vulcan – and so on – all living in different historical eras, continents, and even planets, existing as one academically impeccable intersectional nesting unit.

The more new identities you take on, the less likely you will miss the one you have lost. In a way, it’s the opposite of phantom pain: instead of spasms in a missing limb, you will lose all sensation and any interest in a limb which you still have and could very well use.

Soviet Marxists put a lot of faith in social conditioning. They believed that capitalism and private property conditioned people to engage in crime and violence, and that in the absence of capitalist exploitation and without private property, all crime and violence would cease to exist. They also believed that the conditioning of Soviet children through a common-core-type public education would produce the New Man – the ultimate multi-talented altruist who is dedicated to social justice and is fit to live in a futuristic communist society.

That worked out pretty well; the formerly Soviet territories are swarming with completely selfless, honest, and non-violent geniuses who are ready to do anything for a little social justice. It’s now our turn to do the same for America and condition the cis out of its conservative culture.

EDITORS NOTE: This column was first published in FrontPage Magazine.

Soviet-style abuse of psychiatry is now practiced in the U.S.

American progressives have been enamored with many Soviet ideas in their time, trying to transplant them to the U.S. — from government diktat and central planning to academic indoctrination and propaganda through entertainment. And while the Soviet Union has gone the way of the dodo, its glorious socialist legacy is still up for the picking.

One of these unparalleled Soviet achievements is the use of psychiatry to silence dissent and delegitimize political opposition, allowing the KGB to lock up dissidents in mental hospitals nicknamed psikhushkas.

In the United States today hundreds of zealous progressive psychiatrists are similarly diagnosing Donald Trump “in absentia” with a variety of incapacitating diseases, from narcissism to neurosyphilis, demanding that he be deposed (and hopefully locked up in a psikhushka along with his supporters).

First, some history. From the 1950s through the 1980s, thousands of Soviet dissenters were incarcerated in mental hospitals. This helped the Communist government to destroy its critics both physically and mentally without the potentially messy trials, while at the same time discrediting all political dissent as the product of ill minds.

According to the acclaimed Sovietologist Robert van Voren, the political abuse of psychiatry in the USSR “originated from the concept that persons who opposed the Soviet regime were mentally ill because there was no other logical explanation why one would oppose the best sociopolitical system in the world.”

In theory Soviet psychiatry was guided by Karl Marx’s “dialectical materialism” (as such, it rejected psychotherapy as “American pseudo-science” that stood in the way of scientific progress). In practical terms, its first duty was to serve the Party and the government in building the communist society. To that end leading Soviet psychiatrists fabricated a convenient disease called “sluggish schizophrenia.” The “sufferers” didn’t necessarily need to be psychotic; they could maintain productive careers and have families without anyone noticing their unusual behavior. The symptoms of the disease were pessimism, depression, delusional rejection of progressive ideas, obsessive criticism of the government, and paranoid thoughts about being watched by the KGB.

The government psychiatrists were especially concerned with diagnosing and treating the so-called delusion of “reformism” — persistent ideas about reforming the Soviet political and economic system.

Soviet psychiatry coming to US

No doubt, American progressive psychiatrists would be only too happy to diagnose “reformist” delusion in Trump and his supporters, who are known for their persistent calls to “drain the swamp.” The rationale behind the “mental disorder” diagnosis seems familiar: no sane person who has attended public schools and watched CNN would oppose Obama’s “fundamental transformation of America” or the candidacy of the honest, intelligent, healthy, and mentally stable Hillary Clinton.

Therefore, only the mentally ill would challenge political correctness, the growth of government, redistribution of wealth, socialized healthcare, man-made climate change, multiculturalism, open borders, the media’s trustworthiness, and the Democratic Party in general.

American progressive psychiatrists don’t necessarily need to copy their Soviet colleagues. Having their minds attuned to the same progressive brainwaves should be enough to produce similar results. If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

There is an old Soviet joke about a man who worked at a secret military plant which was disguised as a sewing machine factory. He stole some parts hoping to build his wife a sewing machine at home, but every time he assembled the parts he ended up with a machine gun. Similarly, progressivism disguised as psychiatry (or as any other science for that matter) will only end up with more psikhushkas.

Soviet psychiatry coming to US

It started with a trickle.

Back in 2009, a conference of British “eco-psychologists” argued that “climate change denial” should be classified as a form of “mental disorder” — a notion cheered on by American progressives.

In 2012, a professor of sociology and environmental studies at the University of Oregon addressed a major international science conference in London with a message that any “resistance” to the man-made climate change theory “must be recognized and treated.”

In 2014 Psychology Today published an article by a “therapist turned advocate” who listed symptoms of climate-change denial to help identify this “disorder,” and thought that her job was to induce climate-change-related terror and anxiety in her patients who didn’t already exhibit these conditions, openly bragging about breaking the Hippocratic oath to “do no harm.”

In July 2015, Clinton-appointed U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman already applied the idea of psychiatric treatment of political dissent in the sentencing of the well-known conservative author and filmmaker, Dinesh D’Souza.

Enter Donald Trump.

In November 2015, as Trump became a frontrunner in the GOP primaries, Vanity Fair ran with this story: Is Donald Trump Actually A Narcissist? Therapists Weigh In! “As his presidential campaign trundles forward, millions of sane Americans are wondering: What exactly is wrong with this strange individual? Now, we have an answer.”

In June 2016, when it became clear that Trump had a clear path to the Republican nomination, the Atlantic published a long “research” piece titled, The Mind Of Donald Trump: “Narcissism, disagreeableness, grandiosity — a psychologist investigates how Trump’s extraordinary personality might shape his possible presidency.”

Almost simultaneously, the Huffington Post weighed in with Too Sick To Lead: The Lethal Personality Disorder Of Donald Trump.

In August 2016, Politico amplified Mika Brzezinski’s plea: A psychiatrist needs to examine Trump.

In January this year, the New York Daily News quoted a number of progressive psychiatrists in President Trump exhibits classic signs of mental illness, including ‘malignant narcissism,’ shrinks say.

The same month, the Independent published ‘Malignant narcisissm’ [sic]: Donald Trump displays classic traits of mental illness, claim psychologists: “More and more mental health experts are sharing their diagnoses to warn the public.”

This February has seen a deluge of articles with repetitive headlines accusing Trump of psychiatric and personality disorders — from Common Dreams to Scientific American to U.S. News.

There have been at least two online petitions regarding Trump’s mental health. One such petition bears a title in the unmistakable style of Soviet government psychiatrists: Mental Health Professionals Declare Trump is Mentally Ill And Must Be Removed. It was posted by John Gartner Ph.D., who claims, without ever meeting the president in person, that “Donald Trump manifests a serious mental illness that renders him psychologically incapable of competently discharging the duties of President of the United States.”

Another petition by Dr. Lance M. Dodes, M.D., written in the form of an open letter to the editors of the New York Times, stated that “Mr. Trump’s speech and actions demonstrate an inability to tolerate views different from his own, leading to rage reactions. His words and behavior suggest a profound inability to empathize. Individuals with these traits distort reality to suit their psychological state, attacking facts and those who convey them.” The letter, as published in theNew York Times, concludes that all of the above “makes him incapable of serving safely as president.”

The petition was signed by 35 medical professionals, who had never seen Mr. Trump in person. Their diagnosis could only be based on observing their progressive patients who couldn’t stop ranting about Trump’s derangement and whose maniacal obsession with Trump contributed so much to the therapists’ bank accounts that the doctors were compelled to “give back to the community” and signed the anti-Trump petition as a way to relieve their guilt. (We’ve never met these people, which makes our psychoanalysis of them just as credible as the psychoanalysis of President Trump published in the New York Times.)

With so many psychiatrists suddenly arriving at a “scientific consensus,” it seemed that the world was ready for another award-winning Inconvenient Truth movie declaring that “the science is settled” and that “97 percent of psychiatrists believe that Trump’s mental illness is real.” Their opponents were this close to being labeled as flat-earthers and science-deniers.

Soviet psychiatry coming to US

Soviet citizens had reached a consensus that they were on a bus heading towards a beautiful communist future (an example of sane behavior).

Just then the eminent psychiatrist Allen Frances, who wrote a book on psychiatric disorders, dumped a bucket of cold water on his colleagues, calling them “amateur diagnosticians” who “disregarded professional ethics.”

In a letter to The New York Times, published under the title, An Eminent Psychiatrist Demurs on Trump’s Mental State, the snarky Dr. Frances gave Trump a clean bill of health, saying that “he may be a world-class narcissist, but this doesn’t make him mentally ill,” and noting that “It is a stigmatizing insult to the mentally ill (who are mostly well behaved and well meaning) to be lumped with Mr. Trump (who is neither).” We can only add that in the Soviet book of Political Psychiatry, Dr. Frances would be denounced as a revisionist bootlicker and a pseudo-scientist, and rewarded with an involuntary stay in a psikhushka for deviating from the Party doctrine.

The festival of psychiatric progressivism still culminated with the left-wing New Republic‘s publication of A Medical Theory for Donald Trump’s Bizarre Behavior: “Many mental health professionals believe the president is ill. But what if the cause is an untreated STD?” Its author, Dr. Steven Beutler, M.D., an infectious disease specialist who must have missed the memo from Dr. Frances, refers to the above “scientific consensus” and offers a theory that Trump may be suffering from untreated syphilis — a sexually transmitted disease that can destroy the human mind and personality. The logic is bulletproof: “[Trump] was sexually promiscuous in the 1980s, a period when syphilis cases were rapidly increasing in the U.S.”

No word on whether Trump could have contracted syphilis from sexual contacts with Vladimir Putin, but given the number of media headlines exposing the alleged Trump-Putin “bromance,” a Pulitzer Prize is in the cards for a journalist-turned-psychiatrist (or vice versa) who can prove that both Trump and Putin exhibit the same symptoms of mental derangement stemming from a sexually transmitted disease they gave each other during a past secret “bromance” (dates and locations to be provided by a self-described former British intelligence officer).

Perhaps progressive psychiatrists can also explain the sudden, psychologically improbable switch from admiration of Russia to fear and paranoia of Holy Mother Russia that surpasses the cartoonish Red Scare. Our own diagnosis suggests that what the progressives loved most about Russia was not its people but the socialist system the Russians lived under, experiencing all the sluggish schizophrenia and delusional reformism conjured up by government psychiatrists. On that grandiose scale the people were unimportant; they might as well be monkeys or penguins. Now that the Russians have torn down socialism, their country is suddenly ripe for demonization. Putin’s authoritarianism alone can’t explain such disgust; the progressives have embraced worse monsters in the past. A more likely explanation is that Putin’s regime is much less progressive than the old Soviet one. No socialism, no love. And Putin likes Trump. The horror.

Trump isn’t crazy,” argues Dr. Frances on his blog in Psychology Today. “The urge among amateur diagnosticians to mislabel Trump as mentally ill is perfectly understandable,” he writes in another blog post. Dr. Frances understands the motives of his progressive colleagues because he resents Trump just as much as they do. The difference is that he has been able to keep his sanity, while his colleagues’ obsession with Trump has caused them to lose touch with reality, along with their ability to distinguish between opinions and facts.

It is logical to ask then, why doesn’t the good doctor diagnose the obvious insanity of his colleagues, at least in generic terms, as a medical phenomenon? He might even discover a link to the sluggish schizophrenia of the progressive movement.

Such a proposition isn’t all that unthinkable. In the Los Angeles Times, of all places, there appeared an op-ed titled, Do you suffer from Trump Derangement Syndrome? with helpful descriptions of the symptoms and stages of the disease.

The template for diagnosing TDS is readily available. Take, for example, the petition Dr. Dodes references in the New York Times and replace “Mr. Trump” with “Dr. Dodes”:

Dr. Dodes’s speech and actions demonstrate an inability to tolerate views different from his own, leading to rage reactions. His words and behavior suggest a profound inability to empathize [with fellow Americans]. Individuals with these traits distort reality to suit their psychological state, attacking facts and those who convey them. We believe that the grave emotional instability indicated by Dr. Dodes’s speech and actions makes him incapable of serving safely as a psychiatrist.

Without a doubt the efforts of the remaining few sane psychiatrists in America would be best spent on trying to find treatment for this debilitating mental disorder.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire was first published in Bombthrowers and appears on The Peoples Cube.

Bill Kristol Discovers His Inner Comrade

Bill Kristol posted that he has embraced his Inner Socialist.

Kristol is a political analyst and commentator, and the founder and editor-at-large of the The Weekly Standard.

He is also one of Obama’s favorite “conservatives.” He and Obama broke bread at the home of syndicated columnist George Will. Among the guests were Bill Kristol, New York Times columnist David Brooks (“I know Obama will be a great President by the crease in his pants“), and Charles Krauthammer of the Washington Post.

Never Trumper Bill Kristol has finally admitted publicly what we knew to be true all along – he’s a prog.

In fact, he is a prog with a multiple inner-comrades syndrome. According to his recent Tweet, “The GOP tax bill’s bringing out my inner socialist. The sex scandals are bringing out my inner feminist. Donald Trump and Roy Moore are bringing out my inner liberal. WHAT IS HAPPENING?”

Inner Socialist.png
Don’t worry, comrade Kristol. In progressive psychiatry, everyone is allowed to have one or more inner comrades (as long as they comply with Party-approved diversity quotas for oppressed minorities). This way you can speak the Current Truth™ on any given day without ever contradicting yourself due to the abundance of inner comrades with varying opinions.Rude Trump supporter.png
At least one of Kristol’s inner comrades happens to be an “unembarrassedly old-fashioned” Marxist and a member of the internationalist ruling elite, who is shocked by the “vulgar” idea that an American president would proclaim America First:

America First.png
Will The Weekly Standard now be renamed The Weekly Double Standard?

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Antonio Salazarinski originally appeared in The Peoples Cube. 

VIDEO: Save The Snowflakes!

As snow begins to fall across America we are reminded of those in need of comforting as they struggle with the reality that Donald J. Trump is the President of the United States of America.

There are many who voted for Hillary dreaming that she would win, but it was not to be. Instead a man won, much to disbelief of those who embraced feminism, transgenderism, socialism and free stuff. On November 9th, 2016, a date that will go down in infamy, Trump was elected in a electoral college landslide.

Hillary supporters began crying uncontrollably. They felt like strangers in a strange land, controlled by those who embraced their guns and God. What was once a utopian socialist paradise was no more. Reality hit like a brick wall and they became the latest generation of losers. Something had to be done. Some went to the streets and violently destroyed property in protest, others wore pink pussy hats and some just curled up in the fetal position (no offence to those who are pro-life) and just stayed in la, la land.

But there is hope on the horizon. A new project has been launched to “Save The Snowflakes!” Please donate and save a snowflake near you!

Save the Snowflakes is a special project of the Media Research Center with the aim of bringing attention and providing support to precious snowflakes across America, whose feelings continue to be hurt by conservative rhetoric, social triggers, disagreeable opinions or opposing points of view. Please watch the below video and visit: #SaveTheSnowflakes

EDITORS NOTE: Readers may subscribe to MRCTV’s YouTube channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpug… Visit MRCTV’s website: https://www.mrctv.org/ Find MRCTV on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/mrctv Follow MRCTV on Twitter: https://twitter.com/mrctv

Republican tax plan will kill you and destroy the planet

The Mayans were wrong. The world didn’t end in 2012, but it will end before 2018 because of a human catastrophe that not even the ancient Mayans saw coming – Donald Tr*mp.

Tr*mp is such a bumbling amateur politician that he’s actually keeping his campaign promises! Of course, this only further proves his underlying character flaws and mental instability which make him unfit to be the leader of the once free world.

Of all the promises he’s had the temerity to keep, none has been more destructive than his plan of “tax relief” for the wealthiest Americans. So much could be said, but let’s focus on the two worst aspects of how tax relief is bad for the middle class, bad for America, and bad for the planet.

First, more Americans will be allowed to keep more of what they’ve been conditioned by Fox “News” to perceive as their money. Never mind for now the ethical and moral issues of robbing the government, even though that’s one inevitable outcome, but think of what will happen if more Americans have more access to more money.

Americans will engage in riskier behaviors that they otherwise couldn’t afford like skydiving. When Obama was president, fewer Americans could skydive which meant fewer innocent people were at risk of being crushed by a falling octogenarian celebrating his 80th birthday. But now all that’s about to change. Unbiased studies indicate that over 1.3 million children are at risk every day of being struck by just such a human meteor, most of them underprivileged minorities, women, and transgendered.

More Americans will be put to work as paid wage slave laborers completely at the mercy of their corporate overlords who will demand punctuality and performance in order to get a “raise”. For each American put to work, there is one less American who will have the opportunity to discover the benefits of unemployment, to realize one’s artistic ability, to discover the cure for cancer. Such a loss hurts all of us.

But most affected will be Earth Mother. Unbelievably, there is going to be a reduction in corporate tax rates! As if it wasn’t bad enough that more money wrung from the bleeding lips of the widows and orphans goes into the coffers of large corporations. No, now there will be more corporations polluting our air and our water until Climate Change obliterates our globe. Again, women and minorities will be the most severely impacted by the destruction of our earth.

Perhaps Tr*mp’s removal of Climate Change from the list of national security threats could be excused by his low IQ, but no more. Now we see that he has ingeniously conspired with Russians and corporate CEOs to wreck the planet while he enjoys a cigar, plays a round of golf, and laughs maniacally.

Of course we should impeach Trump for his crimes against humanity, especially women and minorities, but with the passage of this tax bill, it may be too late.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.

EEOC defines women’s perfume as non-verbal sexual assault

The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), a federal agency that administers and enforces civil rights laws against workplace discrimination, has recently amended its guidelines on sexual harassment by adding women’s perfume as an especially hazardous subcategory of invisible sexual assault.

Please amend your guidelines with the following insert.

With definitive and clearly restrictive City, County, State or Federal regulations, women’s perfumed scents fall under the definition of unwelcome sexual advances, non-verbal requests for sexual favors, and other non-verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature, all of which constitutes sexual harassment.

Unwelcome does not mean “involuntary.” A victim may consent or agree to certain conduct and actively participate in it even though it is offensive and objectionable. Therefore, sexual conduct is unwelcome whenever the person subjected to it considers it unwelcome or sexually offensive.

These scents have been documented to flow freely in the air, polluting the victim’s perfume-free safe zone with impunity and without any consequences to the offender. Given the perfume’s blatantly heterosexual origins in the sexist and racist periods of human history, it is also highly discriminatory and non-inclusive of many other gender identifications.

The assault by perfume is always intentional, as these scents are knowingly designed to seek attention and marketed as a cis-heterosexual woman’s predatory implements to provoke, lure, tempt, entice, attract, induce, seduce, coax, persuade, inveigle, allure, ensnare, cajole, beguile, and bewitch.

Being the equivalent of Odysseus’s Sirens (the sea nymphs who lured sailors to their death with a bewitching song), women’s perfume has now been officially categorized by the EEOC as non-verbal sexual assault, which is always uncalled for, unsolicited, unwanted, undeserved, sexist, overbearing, territorial, terrorizing, emasculating, perverse, and oppressive.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE:

Muhammad resigns as prophet amid sexual assault allegations

The Women’s Movement: #Hookers4Hillary

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by bobvanhoven originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.  

Karl Marx to Resign, Ditch Legacy Due to Sexual Misconduct

Doctrine of class conflict and communist internationalism now in dire jeopardy.

The father of scientific socialism and an inspirational figure to many leading Democrats, Karl Marx has announced that he is resigning as a seminal thinker and is asking all his followers, especially women, to forgive him and forget his doctrine of class conflict and communist internationalism due to allegations of sexual abuse of his female aide and a criminal conspiracy to cover it up.

In his remarks, the author of the Communist Manifesto stated,

“This decision is not about me. It’s about the workers of the world. It’s become clear that I can’t both continue to deal with my history of sexual misconduct (some of which I remember differently) and at the same time remain an effective messianic leader of the oppressed in their struggle against capitalist exploitation.”

Marx continued,

“As a white cisgendered heterosexual male, I have cheated on my wife, sexually assaulted my subordinate, and otherwise abused my power and privilege to hurt and victimize women. I therefore feel that I no longer have the right, nor the moral authority to defend my philosophy of class victimization, to incite class hatred, provoke violent anti-bourgeois revolutions, and establish proletarian dictatorships.”

The pressure on the leader of the exploited masses to step down has been mounting for days, ever since the New York Times broke the story about how Mr. Marx, a husband and a father of three, sexually exploited his longtime family maid, Helen Demuth. Fearing to lose her job in a volatile capitalist economy, Ms. Demuth yielded to her employer’s sexual harassment. What started as inappropriate touching and groping, soon escalated into what legally amounts to sexual assault in the workplace, which continued daily for years in Mr. Marx’s home, where Mrs. Marx and their daughters also resided.

According to The New York Times, the repeated sexual abuse of Ms. Demuth by her employer, compounded by the unavailability of women’s health services, resulted in the birth of a male child. Fearing that this would destroy his reputation of a rebel against bourgeois morals, Karl Marx organized a conspiracy to cover up both the affair and the baby. His co-conspirators were his close friend and collaborator Friedrich Engels and Ms. Demuth – a powerless victim who was intimidated into silence by the men in positions of power.

The conspiracy involved abandoning the child, Freddy Demuth, who ended up being one of the many fatherless inner-city clients of foster care. Upon discovering the truth, Karl Marx’s wife, Jenny Marx, committed suicide. Their daughter, Laura, killed herself several years later.

Some House Democrats called on Karl Marx to leave office last Thursday, increasing pressure on the veteran revolutionary thinker to abandon his theories of social justice and economic equality amid serious allegations about his sexual transgressions, child abandonment, the cover-up, and infidelity that caused his wife and daughter to kill themselves.

Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press,” House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) tried to defend Mr. Marx by blaming the attacks on Prussia’s meddling, adding that “Karl Marx is an icon in our academia.” Even if some of it is true, she said, “this episode only shows us how essentially human Marx is. He has the same fears, despairs, and guilts that afflict everyday Americans. That doesn’t mean, of course, that we can equate Karl Marx with Donald Trump or Roy Moore.”

On Monday, however, more than half of the Democrats in the Senate, including party leadership, called for Marx to step down, fearing that “creepy” evidence of his duplicity and hypocrisy might tarnish their political futures and weaken efforts to unseat President Trump.

“I consider Karl Marx a beacon of progress and greatly respect his accomplishments, but he has a higher obligation to his followers, and he should step down immediately,” Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) said in a statement.

In a change of heart, Pelosi later clarified her position. “Zero tolerance means consequences for everyone,” she said at Tuesday’s news conference. “No matter how great the legacy, it is no license to harass or discriminate. In fact, it’s even more disappointing.”

Some observers have pointed out the historical inevitability of Marx’s downfall as the leading political theorist, whose teachings about a worldwide conspiracy of oppressors against their victims have given birth to modern feminism, without which renouncing Karl Marx’s legacy due to his sexual misconduct and his overall creepiness would have been impossible.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column originally appeared in FrontPage Magazine.

BREAKING NEWS: Trump plans to step down as POTUS effective Noon on Monday, January 20, 2025!

After calls for his impeachment by fifty-eight House Democrats CNN reports that multiple reliable unnamed FBI sources have confirmed that Donald Trump has plans to step down from the office as President of the United States, effective high noon on Monday, January 20, 2025.

Mitt Romney, Senators Jeff Flake and John McCain and the establishment GOP were stunned by this CNN breaking news.

Mitt Romney wrote a $100 donation check to the Flake for President campaign fund, while Senator Jeff Flake wrote a check to the Clinton Foundation and John McCain wrote a check to himself, which bounced.

MSNBC’s Joe Scarborough said on his Morning Joe program, “Good riddance to bad rubbish.” When asked if Mr. Scarborough was referring to his dementia-riddled mother or President Trump he responded with “no comment.”

Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (R-CA) issued the following statement:

We are pleased that the American people will be freed from the bonds of open markets, expanding job opportunites, a booming stock market and God loving President.

We can now return to an America that puts illegals into American jobs, expands welfare over work and brings insanity back to government.

This announcement saves us from impeaching Trump. Now we have a date certain that we can all as Democrats look forward to. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

In a short statement the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps stated, “Allah Akbar!.”

Former President Obama, after comparing populist President Donald Trump to Hitler and predicting hundreds of millions of Americans will die during an Economic Club of Chicago event noted, “Well at least this regime won’t be lasting 1,000 years. Punch a Fascist! Vote Democrat or else!”

Bill Clinton, during an interview on CNN about his sexual abuse of women compared to Al Franken’s groping, praised Trump’s decision to step aside. The former President noted, “Trump is doing the Constitutionally right thing by not seeking a third term as POTUS. Hillary in 2025!”

Hillary Clinton was not immediately available for comment as she was being interrogated by the FBI about the donation of 100 cases of Russian dressing to the Clinton Foundation by Uranium One, LLC. FISA authorized surveillance tapes of former President Clinton using the dressing in his bedroom on an intern have been leaked to Fox News’ Sean Hannity by an unnamed source. Hannity plans to release the video footage on Valentines Day 2018.

Today White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that she will be leaving her position on January 20th, 2025 to join the Food Channel. Her new show will be titled “Sarah’s Pies” or “How I baked the fakestream media.”

A trusted unnamed CNN source indicates that Al Franken is considering a run for the White House as an Independent in 2025 after being released from prison.

Recently elected Senator Roy Moore from Alabama is expected to throw his cowboy hat into the ring to take Trump’s place as POTUS 46, while holding a Bible and .38 caliber revolver.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire is provided to those who want relief from the Trump administration and its fascist, hateful, misogynistic, Jew loving, Christ embracing and making America great, again, policies. The featured image is of President Donald Trump waiting to welcome Denmark’s Prime Minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen at the White House in Washington, D.C., March 30, 2017. Photo: Reuters.

Introducing the people’s AR-15 hysteria page

Comrades, isn’t it clear that USA Today simply hasn’t gone far enough? We may be losing the war on the 2nd Amendment unless we once again seize the propaganda initiative and return to the happy days of the 70s when we owned the argument. In those days, men dressed badly and the NRA was more of an irritant than a serious force to be reckoned with.

Join me in posting your anti-AR-15 memes as we continue to hold inanimate objects responsible for the crimes committed by their owners.*

* By inanimate objects, we mean guns, just guns. Which are only for duck hunting and other Party-approved™ sporting purposes. Hey, who needs an M-203 grenade launcher to go duck hunting? That’s why we need to ban any weapon that a grenade launcher, or worse, could be duct taped to.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Democrats mourn the impending suicide of Donna Brazile

Democrat insiders have expressed their concern about the wellbeing of former Democratic National Committee Chair, Donna Brazile, stating that it is only a matter of time before she joins Vince Foster in taking her own life under suspicious circumstances.

Brazile’s apparent suicidal ideation lead her to write “Hacks: The Inside Story of the Break-Ins and Breakdowns That Put Donald Trump in the White House,” which is expected to hit the bookshelves tomorrow. The book is rumored to contain some unflattering revelations about Hillary Clinton that should never have been told and which will never be reported in the media after Brazile supposedly commits an involuntary suicide.

Mental health care professionals note that Brazile’s irrational conduct in writing the book is typical of a condition known as “Suicide by Hillary.” The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) defines “Suicide by Hillary” as 1) Knowing too much, and 2) Not keeping your damn mouth shut about what you know.

Friends of the Clintons say that Hillary Clinton is saddened and upset that Brazile was not timely diagnosed before she decided to write a tell-all book. The former Presidential candidate cut short her own book tour to attend the upcoming funeral and sent out the following tweet:

suicide.png

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Chairman Meow originally appeared in The Peoples Cube. 

Mattel announces Ibtihaj Muhammad doll, the first Barbie to wear a hijab

Say, Kids! Tired of all that pale skin, long legs, blue eyes, blonde hair and massive boobs an unnecessarily disproportionate bust size? Allah is too! Make your family proud, restore honor and take your old Barbie Dolls to the backyard and stone them as the infidel harlots they are!

Ask Mom to have a male relative drive you to the nearest toy-souk right away and get the new Ibtihaj Muhammad action figure, complete with the first-ever Mattel Hijab!

She’s absolutely beautiful, but nobody will ever know, as she covers herself as the book prescribes, and is pure as the driven sands snow (at least until Uncle Faisal comes to visit again).

Olympic fencer Ibtihaj Muhammad is quite a doll – literally. She’s thrilled to have inspired a Barbie in her likeness, and especially proud that the doll will be the first Barbie to wear a hijab. “This is a childhood dream come true,” she posted. The doll is part of the “She-ro” line.

“We are so excited to honor Ibtihaj Muhammad with a one-of-a-kind Barbie doll!” Mattel posted. “Ibtihaj continues to inspire women and girls everywhere to break boundaries.”

At only 67% of the value cost of a G.I Joe, it’s so affordable that girls can have one, and boys can each have up to four if they beat treat them equally!


Credit where it is redistributed from: the first prototypes came out in November of 2009. Read the reviews here:

Mattel Sponsors Genitally Mutilated Burqa Barbie Doll

One of the world’s most famous children’s toys, Barbie, has been given a makeover – wearing a burqa that fully covers an anatomically correct body of a young genitally mutilated Muslim woman with an amputated clitoris and the labia majora stitched together with thorns and ligament of a hyena.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Ivan the Stakhanovets originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Atheist murdered near Texas church; suspects charged

Sutherland Springs, TX — Residents Stephen Willeford and Johnnie Langendorff are being charged with multiple crimes including murder, weapons charges, reckless driving, and speeding following a shooting spree near a local church.

On Sunday, Nov. 5, local police have stated the suspects attacked and wounded local atheist Devin Kelley near the First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs, Texas. When the victim attempted to flee by driving away, a witness has reported the two assailants “got into a truck and gave chase to finish the job.”

It appears the victim died later in his vehicle and a vigil has been proposed by the local chapter of Atheist Lives Matter. A spokesperson for the Southern Poverty Law Center immediately labelled the attack a hate crime and added the First Baptist Church and the maker of the pursuit vehicle – Ford Motor Company – to its extensive list of hate groups. The victim was only 26 years old and a military veteran.

Sheriffs believe Willeford used a hunting rifle to shoot the victim, who was wearing body armor and black military-style tactical gear at the time of the attack. CNN’s Jim Acosta reported that the victim’s unusual choice of wardrobe was probably because “the victim was near a Baptist Church in Texas – he was afraid for his life from gun-toting, Bible-thumping right-wingers.” An MSNBC report also suggests the victim was armed with an AR-15 rifle, 2 handguns, and explosives for this same reason.

Witnesses are being sought to aid in putting together the exact timeline in the attack. A local law enforcement representative familiar with the investigation stated that, due to an earlier incident, most witnesses closest to the shooting were either dead or incapacitated and “haven’t been very helpful to our ongoing investigation of Kelley’s murderers.”

– Reporting by Gazelle Gazette

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Panem Et Circenses originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. 

Unfair Ballistic Privilege

Tоварищи!

I am so filled with self-loathing over my unfair ballistic-intuition male privilege that I must denounce myself. It is, after all, for the common good and the cause of gender hyper-equality!

Report: Standing Up to Pee Gives Boys an Unfair Advantage in Physics

What follows was actually published in a ‘scholarly’ journal: “After noting that girls lag in areas of physics that deal with projectile motion, the article reveals: “Like many parents [we] have observed the great delight young males take in urination, a process by which they produce and direct a visible projectile arc. … All this is experienced up to five times a day, so by 14, boys have had the opportunity to play with projectile motion around 10,000 times. And 14 is when many children meet formalised physics in the form of projectile motion and Newton’s equations of motion for the first time.

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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Chief Designer originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.

Doctors baffled as mute man speaks after 8 years of silence

Nearly 8 years after a terrible wreck left a man unable to communicate, his power of speech has returned. George Bush was 62 when the mainstream media derailed his presidency, which resulted in him and his entire administration going off a cliff and tumbling to the ground.

“For eight long years he didn’t speak a word,” said George’s brother, Jeb Bush. Though his family continued to talk to him, they had no idea whether he understood them. That eased a few days ago, when he began responding to questions with grunts and by blinking his eyes.

On a doctor’s advice, the family had tried art therapy, giving George paints and canvases. He started to paint, which allowed him to communicate with the world, even if non-verbally.

To everyone’s amazement, those were mostly pictures of dogs and cats, which made some wonder if George had anything meaningful to say even if he could communicate verbally. It didn’t help that George developed a liking for sniffing the paint thinner.

But in October this year George made a major advance. When Jeb walked into his room to sniff some of George’s paint thinner, George suddenly said his first word in eight years: “Trump!” According to Jeb, that took them both by surprise. “You could tell by the look on his face, his eyes were kind of big,” said Jeb.

Later that day George added “asshole” to his vocabulary. “He would not have talked dirty before he wrecked,” his mother Barbara said. The next day, when asked what other words he could say, George answered, “I can say anything.”

That was when, on October 19, the family took George to New York and asked him to read something before an audience. George showed a remarkable ability to read from the teleprompter, which sent the entire American media reeling with excitement. It was a speech written by one of George’s former speechwriters who had survived the 2008 crash with a minor scratch. The speech was broadcast on all major networks and became an international sensation in medical circles.

According to some neurologists, however, what George may be experiencing is a disorder known as selective mutism. “It is an anxiety disorder when a person who is normally capable of speech cannot speak in specific situations or to specific people,” said an insider who wished to remain anonymous.

“People with selective mutism stay silent even when the consequences of their silence include shame, social ostracism, or even punishment. This was obvious several years before the crash, when George lived in the White House and remained mute when his voters and supporters wanted him to speak up,” he said.

Some researchers speculate that selective mutism may be an avoidance strategy used by a subgroup of politicians with social anxiety disorder to reduce their distress in difficult situations that they do not fully understand. At the same time they display other communicative behaviors, such as hand clapping, waving, or hugging babies.

“Time will tell whether George’s eight-year-long muteness was caused by brain trauma or it was a strategy to avoid a situation where he was in over his head,” the source said.

Though George’s speech remains slow and labored, he loves to talk and his mother is very proud of him.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.