americans with no abilities act

Democrats introduce the Americans with No Abilities Act (ANAA)

mediocrityDemocrats in the U.S. House of Representatives and Senate are considering sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills and ambition. In other words college graduates living at home.

“Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,” said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. “We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing.”

In a Capitol Hill press conference, Nancy Pelosi pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent according to a recent PU poll).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility (e.g. Congressional staffers), thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, “Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job? Do you have a college degree is social sciences? Have you attended an anti-Trump rally?”

“As a non-abled person, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,” said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember “righty tighty, lefty loosey-goosey”. “This new law should be real good for people like me. I’ll finally have job security.” With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin, II: “As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation and a good salary for doing so.”

This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Maxine (WaWa) Waters and Nancy Pelosi. All of whom would qualify for ANAA benefits.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire originally appeared in the American Mediocrity Association journal WorthlessHat tip to Al and Jim.

Save_Planet_Broken_Clock

We have ten years to save the planet

In 1988 we told the world that “We only have ten years left to save the planet.”

In 1989, our wonderful comrades at the United [in Marxism] Nations decreed the same thing.

Then during the 2000 election season our Holy Prophet Who Has Never Been Wrong, Al Gorski (Muslim name: al-goreeza) issued a fatwa that we only had ten years left to save the planet.

Nobody listened. George Bush [spit, spit] won stole the election and the planet’s environmental destruction continued.

So, in 2006, Prophet al-goreeza issued another fatwa: we only had until last year (i.e., ten years for those of you who’ve had the Jiffy Lobo) to save the planet.

And now, we are issuing the decree once more:

Climate Scientists Spread Panic: ‘Ten Years’ to Save the Earth

It’s a good thing that the Sheeple have short memories. They might accuse us of “crying Wolf” or something.

RELATED ARTICLE: Here’s How Wrong Past Environmental Predictions Have Been

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Mikhail Lysenkomann originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

ua stewardesses

CIA hires United Airlines to forcibly remove Assad and Kim Jong-un

There have been two recent events widely reported in the media of an Asian looking man and a married couple removed by United Airlines “employees.”

But were these employees actually working for United Airlines?

An unnamed source, close to CNN, believes that these two incidents were actually covert training exercises. The employees were CIA operatives wearing United Airlines uniforms. The training was authorized to test techniques to forcibly remove those high value individuals targeted by the agency. Currently, the top CIA targets, aside from President Trump, are Kim Jong-un, an Asian,  Bashar al-Assad, the Syrian president, and his wife Asma.

The unnamed CNN source noted, “Doesn’t is seem peculiar that these two incidents happened as the Trump administration is taking military action against North Korea and Syria? What else does one need to connect-the-dots? This is the mother of all bummers!”

us security cartoonThe CIA was contacted to determine if these incidents were covert training operations. A spokesman for the agency stated,

We do not comment on ongoing operations. However, you can expect us to leak more information about President Trump and unmask his closest friends and family members, including his son Barron’s nine-week-old adopted puppy named Patton.

After all we must all fly united!

Sean Spicer was asked at a White House press briefing by an unnamed CNN reporter, “When will the President release his income tax records? Does the President own any United Airlines stock?” Spicer responded, “The President does not fly United. Rather he uses Air Force One for all of his trips to Mar-a-Lago.”

It is rumored that Wikileaks will be releasing damning emails from Hillary Clinton’s secret server between the former Democratic candidate and Jeff Smisek, President and CEO of United Airlines.

According to unnamed CNN, ABC and MSNBC sources Smisek offered Mrs. Clinton the position of public relations director for the airlines. Smisek notes, “Hillary is a master at passing the blame.”

A spokesperson, who is actually a woman, replied, “Mrs. Clinton, while out of the woods, has her hands full planning her 2020 presidential campaign.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire first appeared in Flying United magazine.

BURKA WIFE TRANSPORTER

BurqaBarn: Dress Your Woman in Style!

By Tamil Mohammar Ramadan.

Hello my friends! How many times have you caught one of your women bandying about without its burqa? How many times has an insolent female flashed her ankle by “accident”? Has this caused you humiliation and pain requiring whipping? Have you been forced, through no fault of your own, to resort to honor killing? Isn’t it time you stopped wasting perfectly good woman flesh and invested in a foolproof coverage system for your females?

Now, BurqaBarn, in conjunction with Citywide Waste Management, has a solution for you!

The new “BurqaBag” is guaranteed to keep any female properly attired and is triple-ply tough.

Just place the non-male into one of our bags and engage the cinch-top mechanism. Do not worry about air supply – our studies show there is at least two hours of air available.

The BurqaBag is currently available in basic black, with the wheeled carrying case sold separately.

While these products may seem expensive and decadent, remember the last loss from your herd, then purchase our product!

 


Dress your women in smart BurqaBags
and take them to the woods for a family picnic…


…and let them enjoy the sun


Fashionable BurqaBags allow your females safely
to attend sports events and mingle with others
in the women-only areas


Women can even engage in athletics themselves:
this pleasing pyramid features the famous team
of non-male Baluhistan Acrobats!


Man’s wives faithfully waiting for him at the bus stop

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Groupthink first appeared on The Peoples Cube.

trump peoples cube

Introducing The People’s Current Truth App!

Life is complicated these days, and there’s just so much outrage to absorb your time. You may be like many Americans, and just not sure what you should be outraged about and which side to pick.

But wait no longer! Simply download the free People’s Current Truth App™ and you’ll be officially in the know. Whether it’s Cecil, Harambe, Bush, or Trump, you’ll receive timely updates with clear instructions on…

  1. What to be angry about!
  2. Which side to choose!
  3. When to choose the other side!
  4. How to vent your righteous anger!
  5. Where to go for t-shirts and matching placards!
  6. And more!

Current Truth App 2.jpg

The People’s Current Truth App™ requires some permissions

· Location
· Pictures
· Texts
· Social Security number
· Bank account
· Access to all other financial assets
· Access to all social media
· 24/7 tracking and surveillance
· Frontal lobe access
· Block inappropriate reading, viewing, and unapproved historical material

So, what are you waiting for? Know what to think and what to do – download your People’s Current Truth App™ today!

RELATED ARTICLE: Liberals Aren’t Liking This Newly-Discovered Photo of the 1924 Democratic Convention

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

Power_to_the_Government

A Demand for People’s Paid Protest Leave (PPPL)

With all the Days of Resistance and Days Without Some Victim Group we’ve had lately, and will continue to have for the next four years—or until He Who Shall Not Be Named Because That Only Legitimizes and Worse, Humanizes Him—is impeached—it’s clear we need to set aside another Day, this one to demand paid leave for protesting. We shall call it the People’s Paid Protest Leave, or PPPL™ for short.

Because this is about People. People who care. People who are fighting fascism. People who want only to take back the democracy that last November 8th was ripped from us as if we were raped—which, in a sense, we were.

That makes us victims. And that, in turn, makes us entitled. Thus we are entitled to paid leave for protesting, so we can make our voices heard without fear of being fired from our jobs. Without having to use any of our sick days that we’ve already used up for our hangovers. Without having to waste any of our precious vacation days that we shouldn’t have to use for anything other than loafing on the couch binge-watching whatever we can find on Netflix. And don’t even get me started on maternity leave. It’s not fair I have to get pregnant and actually give birth just to get maternity leave. I’m denied my right to choose! But I digress.

Resisting and protesting is a right. When people are faced with losing their jobs because they choose to exercise their rights, their boss is denying them their rights. Their boss is being a fascist. No one has the right to make you work on a Day of Resistance or a Day of Demand or a Day of Awareness or a Day Without One Victim Group or Another. But you still need to be paid as if you did work. Magic markers, poster board, yarn for pink pussy caps, etc.—it all adds up! No one should have to choose between these necessities (which shouldn’t be taxed, either), and having to report to work for a fascist who’d just as soon fire you anyway for daring to exercise your rights.

You are valuable. You are special. You are a Victim. Ergo, you are entitled to be paid for your courage and suffering under the oppressive, bloodthirsty regime of He Who Is Not and Never Shall Be Our President.

And if you’re unemployed? You should be paid, anyway. It’s only fair. No one, but no one should ever have to miss a protest because they aren’t being paid to show up!

ABOUT COMMISSARKA PINKIE

Commissarka Pinkie is a regular contributor to The People’s Cube, and is dedicated to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn’t busy making an issue out of everything, she enjoys spending other people’s money, jumping on bandwagons, and wandering through the woods with her shovel, hoping for a chance encounter with Hillary and digging a hole in which to curl up and cry—for both of them!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Commissarka Pinkie  originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

pepsi

TwitRage: Black Lives Matter demands police not drink Pepsi — Coca-Cola reponds

A Pepsi Cola ad featuring Kendall Jenner, a fashion model known for appearing in the E! reality television show Keeping Up with the Kardashians, was withdrawn after Black Lives Matter (BLM), OurStates.org, Organizing for Action and various supporters of the neo-Democrat party took to Twitter to denounce this anti-social justice, racist, bigoted, misogynistic advertisement.

Here is the now banned, by BLM and the Democratic National Committee, Pepsi ad:

Judy Kurtz and Mark Hensch from The Hill report:

Pepsi is reportedly pulling the plug on a sharply criticized new ad featuring Kendall Jenner ending a street protest by handing a can of soda to a police officer.

[ … ]

Jenner then approaches a police officer standing guard at the protest and hands him a Pepsi. The crowd erupts in cheers as the officer smiles and takes a sip of the soft drink.

[ … ]
Top Black Lives Matter activist DeRay McKesson said before Pepsi’s reversal Wednesday that the spot demeans social justice activists.

“The video in so many ways is offensive to all the people who’ve stood in the street for the past two years against police brutality and fighting injustice that the state has caused,” he told TMZ.

Here are a few examples of the TwitRage:

deray mckessonBLM activist  tweeted, “., this ad is trash.”

 tweeted, “The Kendall Jenner Pepsi fiasco is a perfect example of what happens when there’s no black people in the room when decisions are being made.”

, “i couldn’t make it through the whole thing. poc [people of color] being used as props, a rich celebrity solving social justice issues with soda…Cringe.”

, “particularly a celeb from a family famous for cultural appropriation. It’s like the cherry on this shit pie”

Pepsi Cola released an apology following the TwitRage:

man with ak47After reviewing our ad we realized that we did not properly portray the prototypical social justice activist (SJA).

Our staff is working on a new add that has the SJAs dressed in black hoodies, wearing masks and hurling Molotov cocktails made from Pepsi bottles at the police.

We will have Kendall at the end of our new commercial shoot a police officer using a zip-gun made from a Pepsi Cola can. The officer will slowly die drowning in his own blood while the social justice protesters cheer, to show our commitment to the latest millennial revolution! Fifty shades of red.

Pepsist! Pepsist! Pepsist!

Coca-Cola in a press release noted:

It appears that Pepsi has fallen on its own soda container. They tried to identify with those who are burning cars, attacking the police and destroying Starbucks coffee shops. The result TwitRage!

Darren-Lago-Coca-Cola-GunCoca-Cola will be doing a series of ads that will draw in ‘fly-over’ Americans. We are interested in those who voted for law and order, equal justice under the law and respect for one another. We will be offering a special Coca-Cola Colt Peacemaker (pictured).

Our new commercials will be branded Make Coke Great Again-Cola or MCGA-Cola.  We will be featuring in our new series of commercials using law enforcement officers, Navy SEALs, U.S. Army Rangers and Green Berets protecting innocents from those who would do them harm, like those in the Pepsi ad.

Appearing on our MCGA-Cola cans will be photographs of the 37 Hollywood stars who support President Donald J. Trump.

MCGA-Cola will begin shipping next month to local stores. #MAGA with #MCGA-Cola!

Let the cola wars begin!

RELATED ARTICLES:

Ferguson, Missouri Elects White Mayor – NBC News

Pepsi pulls widely mocked Kendall Jenner ad | TheHill

Stanford Accepts Muslim Teenager Who Wrote ‘BlackLivesMatter’ 100 Times On Application

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire originally appeared in Soldier of Fortune magazine.

ndtc special presidential election

Democrats demand a Special Presidential Election to remove Trump — The President responds

democrat leadership

A Who’s Who of those leading the Democrat Party. Why isn’t Hillary’s name on this list?

The National Democrat Training Committee’s (NDTC) website TrainDemocrats.org provides free on-line campaign training to Democrats running for office. NDTC in a April Fools Day eve email to a small group of like minded individuals stated:

FACT: Trump lost the popular vote by almost 3 MILLION votes.

FACT: Trump has been under FBI investigation since July for his ties to Russia.

FACT: Russia openly RIGGED our election to elect Donald Trump.

Listen, we need to hear from our selected supporters, but we’re still missing your response.

Let us know: Do you think there should be a special national election to remove Trump from office?

http://go.traindemocrats.org/Special-Election

Thanks for your quick response,

National Democratic Training Committee

In order to complete and submit the NDTC Special National Election survey you must answer this final question:

Will you donate $3 right now to help elect Democrats who will fight Donald Trump and his radical agenda?

Hillary Clinton has now come out of the woods, like a Russian bear on the hunt, no pun intended.

In a New York Times op-ed titled “I got screwed and it wasn’t by Bill” Mrs. Clinton responded to the national effort to have a redo of the 2016 presidential election. Mrs. Clinton noted,

Looking back upon my highly successful campaign, I now firmly believe that President Putin and his agents registered to vote, multiple times, is states like Ohio, Florida and Michigan. We have discovered Trump votes cast in Cincinnati, Tampa, Miami and Detroit using the names Karl Marx, Joseph Stalin, Vladimir Lenin and Nikita Khrushchev.

We have proof, provided to our campaign during the election by the CIA, NSA and FBI, that it was the Russians who handed the presidency to a misogynistic, racist and Islamophobic candidate.

We know from the highly classified information provided to me by my staffer Evelyn Farkas, and others, that Trump is inextricably linked to Putin. After all the Russian name “Putin” has a “T” right in the middle of it. Putin begins with the word “put”, while letters in Trump spells “put” backwards, which clearly means put Trump in the White House.

If that isn’t proof of collusion I don’t know what is.

I believe that a redo of the election is the only way to save millions of Americans who are currently seeking safe spaces to deal with the trauma of the theft of the election by the Trump/Putin cabal.

It is time to resist, repeal and replace Donald J. Trump. Are you with me Bernie?

When President Trump learned of this he Tweeted:

April Fools?!!!!!

RELATED ARTICLES:

Latest WikiLeaks release shows how the CIA uses computer code to hide the origins of its hacking attacks and ‘disguise them as Russian or Chinese activity’

Canadian University Hosted ‘Masculinity Confession Booth’ for Men to Repent of ‘Hypermasculinity Sins’

Diversity Council’s White Supremacy Awareness Campaign Flops, Offends Fellow Students

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire originally appeared on the National Democrat Training Committee website.

grandma with water pistol

New Medicare ‘Plan G’

Let’s say you’re an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you.

So, what do you do? … You opt-in for “Medicare Plan G”.

The plan gives anyone 75-years of age or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet.

You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.

This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And now, because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes!

And, who will be paying for all of this?

Why, the same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.

And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.

Is this a great country or what?

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire originally appeared in Guns and Grandmas magazine. Hat tip to Wallace B. for sending this to us.

THen_Now_Wake_Up_America_Racist_Bitch

Media messaging: Then and Now

A hundred years ago (April 6, 1917) America entered World War I. The prevailing media messaging of the time was captured in these war propaganda posters.

Things have changed in the last hundred years, and so has the media messaging. This raises some questions:

Who comes up with this new messaging? Who is the target? What is it aimed to accomplish? And can a nation survive this mindset if it prevails? Could any nation survive it?

Because while the messaging has changed, the world hasn’t. It still is a dangerous place, and that is not going to change any time soon.

Let’s sum up the differences between the old and the new media messaging:

1917: Destroy this mad brute! Enlist!
2017: if you believe your own eyes, you’re an Islamophobe!

1917: Uphold your honor! Join Army – Navy – Marines!
2017: Check your privilege! Borders are racist! No ban – no wall!

1917: Wake up, America! Civilization calls every man woman and child!
2017: Shut up, America! You racist bitch!

See previous THEN & NOW:

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Red Square first appeared on The Peoples Cube.

A_Day_Without_Campaign

‘A Day Without a Day Without’ Campaign

In joining the fun of a “Day Without” campaign I am starting a new “Day Without” campaign called “A Day Without a Day Without” campaign.

I know it is hard to imagine living a day without being reminded of the sensitivities and abuses faced by our perpetually aggrieved brethren but I am in desperate need of a “Day Without White Heterosexual Christian Guilt.”

Screen Shot 2017-03-08 at 10.57.44 PM.jpg

After my “A Day Without A Day Without” campaign I am proposing some additional “Day Without” campaigns to fill our annual calendars.

Please help me complete our 365 day schedule.

  1. A Day Without an Employer
    (Lets make this one a week or two just to really make the case)
  2. A Day Without White Guilt
  3. A Day Without LGBTQ Guilt
  4. A Day Without Global Warming Hoax
  5. A Day Without an Abortion
  6. A Day Without Liberals
  7. A Day Without Trump Hysteria
  8. A Day Without ISIS
  9. A Day Without Taxes

and my personal favorite…

10. A Day Without Craptek

Screen Shot 2017-03-08 at 11.04.39 PM.jpg

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire/fake news story by El Presidente originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

pelosium

Densest Element yet Known to Science Discovered

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. The chemical symbol of Pelosium is Pu. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates MSNBCobnoxium and CNNadnausium, both elements that radiate orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since they have half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.

Since it has no electrons, Pelosium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Pelosium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. In the presense of anti-morons, Pelosium can be extremely corrosive. Botox seems to distort and smooth it’s surface, without impeding it’s ongoing decay.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of approximately two years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation, appearing in a new location but displaying the same properties. In this process, assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each transmutation.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Pelosium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and anywhere there is news coverage occurring. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Pelosium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire was sent to us by a friend and is making the rounds on social media. This column was originally published in the unscientific journal Unbelievable Science: Politics and Global Warming.

youve got to be kidding me

Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers [LARK] program proposed to care for Detained Terrorists

L.A.R.K. stands for ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’

This is a joke people!

Names have been removed or changed in this internet message that has been making the rounds for years.

The letter is attributed to a Canadian Minister of Defense which tells you right away it is a joke (imagine boy Trudeau, or any previous prime minister of Canada, having such a brave and humorous Minister in his cabinet!).

However, I am posting it just to make the point about the value of messages like this that circulate to thousands and thousands of people around the globe achieving a life of their own! (This one has been circulating in one form or another since as early 2002, we learned.)

The messages contain nuggets of truth and such enormous common sense that they resonate and people send them on definitely much more frequently than any serious factual blog post I could write. (Maybe you have already seen it many times!)

And, I am posting it so that you can have a good Monday morning laugh!

It is also a test to see if some Lefties will claim I am spreading fake news.  Let’s see if this turns up somewhere to discredit my work.

A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter.

She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters
(General’s name removed)

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.

You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Mohammed Ahmed (name shortened) is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome those character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.

You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter.

You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counsellor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.

Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,

(General’s name removed)
Minister of National Defense

I’d love to see a letter like this proposing that Liberals take refugees in to their own homes!  Are you a clever writer?

We have a category entitled ‘Laugh of the day’ where this is now archived.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column originally appeared on Refugee Resettlement Watch.

devilcrats

Devil worshipers cast ‘binding spell’ on Trump followers — Hillary, Nancy, Chuck send their ‘best witches’

witches-640x480In a column titled “Witches Unite to Cast ‘Binding Spell’ on Trump and Followers” Breitbart’s Dr.  Thomas D. Williams, Ph.D. reports:

A group of witches is attempting to use black magic to neutralize U.S. President Donald Trump by casting a “binding spell” to prevent him from governing.

The “mass spell to bind Donald Trump” will be performed at midnight on every waning crescent moon beginning Friday, February 24, “until Donald Trump is removed from office,” the group’s website states.

The mass ritual will allegedly be repeated again March 26, April 24, May 23, June 21 (the summer solstice), July 21, and August 19.

The spell also invokes evil on “those who abet” Trump, which would seem to appear to cover his staff and political nominees, and perhaps the millions who voted for him as well.

Read more…

The coven of devil worshipers sent invitations to Barack and Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer to participate in the “binding spell” ceremony. However, due to scheduling conflicts all four sent staffers, a.k.a. best witches, to attend, observe and worship the devil in their place. The Obama’s former pastor Reverend Jeremiah Wright was not invited according to unnamed CNN sources.

According to the Free Witchcraft Spells website:

Sometimes simple spells can be the best spells. They may not feel quite as magickal [sic] as a really elaborate ritual, but many witches feel they can focus more on their intentions if they are not worrying about all the details.

Free Witchcraft has a spell for those who wish to “Bury and Banish” someone. The B&B spell, not to be confused with a Bed & Breakfast establishment, goes like this:

If there is someone in your life that you would like to not be involved with anymore, this is the spell for you. All you need is a black sheet of paper. Black construction paper is likely the easiest to find and will work fine.

Write the person’s name in the middle, and it doesn’t matter if you can’t actually read it. It just has to be there. Fold the paper up as small as you can. Take it outside and bury it in the ground. Once it’s buried, say the following out loud:

Into the ground
You can’t be found
You’re not around
I can’t heard your sound

Step over the place you’ve buried the paper, and that person will soon fade from your life.

Walmart, K-Mart and Save-a-Lot stores are reporting a sudden spike in sales of black construction paper in Chicago, New York City, Los Angeles, San Francisco and Seattle.

The American Forest & Paper Association in a short statement notes, “Donald Trump has been good for paper manufacturing. The President is making good on his promise to grow the economy. Our members indicate that they will be adding over 1,000 jobs just to keep up with demand for our paper products. Hire American, buy American!”

A spokesman at the Black Lives Matter national headquarters issued the following press release concerning the binding and bury and banish spells:

While we appreciate the support of all witches and warlocks, we are concerned that the Bury and Banish spell uses black construction paper.

We believe this is racist and xenophobic. We have asked witches not bury black construction paper. Rather they should bury white folks and police officers in the ground.

This saves our trees, while reducing the world population by getting rid of racist pigs and their white privileged enablers, a.k.a. Trump voters.

This kills two birds with one stone. No pun intended

One of those who is “abetting” President Trump noted, “Does it seem like the Democrats are celebrating Halloween every day since November 8th, 2016?”

VIDEO: Bob Hope’s best “Zombiecrats” movie line ever.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire and fake news story originally appeared in Witch Craft Magazine.

starbucks isis

Starbucks plastered with ‘Starburka’ Stickers — Putin, Syria’s Assad and ISIS respond

Bare and Naked Islam blog reported that Starbucks stores in Madrid were made over with stickers that showed the female figure at the center of the company logo as a burka-clad woman:

“All the Starbucks branches in Madrid have been redubbed ‘STARBURKA REFUGEES’ in a mass sticker protest action against that company’s decision to employ 10,000 Muslim invaders posing as refugees—while unemployment in Spain is over 20 percent.

“The protest action, carried out by Spanish nationalist activists Hogar Social Madrid (HSM), saw activists print up ultra-sticky full size stickers to replace existing store signage, made up in imitation of the Starbucks logo, and plaster the company’s branches throughout the city overnight.

“A statement released by HSM on their Facebook page said that the action had been carried out to ‘protest the recruitment by the Starbucks chain of 10,000 refugees, while in Spain, unemployment is over 20 percent.’

Syrian President Bashir Assad, in an interview with Yahoo News, said that there are “definitely” terrorists among the refugees fleeing his nation’s civil war. Evidence of this claim, Assad said, is easily found on the internet. You can get a hot internet connection at Starbucks, no pun intended.

A close confidant of Russian President Vladimir Putin, who requested anonymity noted:

While our operatives in the U.S. Congress are investigating our hacking of the recent elections and interaction with the Trump administration, President Putin has stationed our ships off of America’s shores.

We are monitoring communications between members of the Democratic National Committee (DNC), members of Congress and employees of Starbucks, who we suspect of being radical Islamic terrorists. We are concerned there is a plot to undermine President Trump by bugging lattes and providing them to members of the Trump White House. These bugged grande cups are the source of leaks about conversations held by President Trump and former national security adviser Flynn with our ambassador.

Our security forces are taking these breaches of national security seriously. Our operatives in the DNC will get to the bottom of the cup, no pun intended.

Al Hayat Media Center, the media wing of ISIS in a press release states:

We are pleased that Starbucks is hiring our soldiers of Allah. God willing they will receive full pay and benefits, including Obamacare coverage.

This is a welcome income source so that our followers may support the cause by donating a part of their salaries to continue the fight against the infidels and America, the great Satan.

Our soldiers will be placing an extra ingredient into the coffees of those non-Muslims visiting Starbucks world wide. We call it the Allah Akbar surprise, or Muslim mocha madness.

Unconfirmed reports from the Hillary supporters in the CIA, FBI and Department of Homeland Security indicate that the Trump administration is contemplating designating Starbucks a terrorist organization.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire originally appeared in Roast’em Magazine.