Sunset_Obama

Thank you, Mr. President

Dear President Obama,

I would like to take the time to honestly thank you from the bottom of my heart for having a huge hand in creating the greatest age for satire that the world has ever seen. But aside from that, there is so much more to be thankful for.

I believe that I also speak for countless college-educated people when I say that during the dusk of your presidency we should take the time to list some of the amazing things you have done and to reflect upon them. In what could take days to talk about, I narrowed down my three favorite gifts to the people that you are leaving behind.

1.

First of all, racial relations are at an all-time high. Under your leadership and guidance, there has never in the history of the United States been such peace and understanding among people of all pigments across the board. While some of your critics may attempt to point to a huge division created by your “dishonest and manipulative” rhetoric, to all college-educated people it was the birth of a new kind of justice, different from all other kinds of justice in that it was more just and more social.

The far-right liars will say anything to smear the beautiful and sightly mark that you left behind on the very fabric of this “formerly” great country. Have no worries, we will always hold that mark in our college-educated hearts and pass it on to our college-educated children so they, too, can cherish your remarkable legacy.

2.

Secondly, I would like to thank you for how safe you have made our shining inner cities. While there has been a minor influx in gun violence in progressive urban areas, every college-educated person knows that the real causes for that lie outside our safe spaces, in the uneducated America where innocent victims of economic oppression come in contact with the sinister gun-owning NRA members.

Those twisted reactionaries dare blame your flawless gun regulations for the violence in our progressive cities that surpasses the street wars of the Prohibition era in the roaring 20s, absurdly claiming that restricting firearm ownership leads a rise in bloodshed. Every college-educated person knows that disarming law abiding citizens cannot possibly embolden criminals.

They also spread far-right rumors that the more progressive the city, the more it economically suffers, pointing at Detroit, where they say the future was promised under the dawn of progressive leadership in the 1960s but brought nothing but ruins it is today. But do not fret, Mr. President. Our progressive fact checkers have debunked that urban myth multiple times. Detroit is better off with art and culture than with automobile manufacturing. Every college-educated person knows that manufacturing poisons the ecosystem.

3.

Thirdly, and finally I would like to thank you for how safe you have made the entire world. With the help of the UN, NGOs, and various progressive think tanks, your leadership has given Europe and parts of the U.S. a taste of higher sophistication and culture through a flood of Middle Eastern migrants. Or are they refugees? You have to forgive me, sometimes it’s hard to keep up with the correct nomenclature.

A few uneducated throwbacks may still be upset about having to be around people slightly different than them. But every college-educated person knows that Europe is where white people originally came from. Ingrained racism is only natural in the “ground zero” of the white people’s breeding area, where an influx new non-white friends can be seen as cultural espionage. But again, Mr. President, this isn’t anything that can’t be fixed with more college education.

As we learn of nearly daily acts of rape and violence committed by our newly arrived guests, I would like to thank you on behalf of all college-educated people for reminding us that these attacks are not the fruit of a particular ideology, but rather of man-made climate change, which turns people into desperate animals fighting for food and water. Thank you so much for clarifying that.

Thank you for keeping us in check and allowing us to understand that those so-called barbaric acts are the fault of the Western civilization. Every college-educated person knows that the bloodshed across the world can only come as a result of trickled-down Western greed and systemic racism, and ISIL is no more a threat to world security than the American economy that is causing climate change in the first place. I’m sure future generations will appreciate your ability to prioritize these threats and to fight the greater evil first and the lesser one second.

I also have no doubt that historians will be studying you and your legacy for centuries to come, trying to find answers to such questions as, how could one man have been so smart? Is it even humanly possible to have the infallible intelligence and wisdom that you have exhibited over the last eight years? I can almost hear a college professor lecture to a classroom of diverse young minds, telling them the greatest story ever told: yours.

I look forward to the day I have my grandperson on my knee in an eco-friendly home, telling them about the glorious eight years of your presidency and how we just barely missed entering the glorious world that that any civilization could ever hope for – a progressive world under the stern guidance of forward-looking, college-educated people. We were right there, already going for the exit, but the Russians must have influenced our sense of direction by posting fake road signs, we lost our way, and then it was too late to go back.

So, Mr. President, in the twilight of your administration, we must sadly say goodbye, as the nation turns around to watch the dawning of a new unwritten era that is fast approaching. That isn’t to say that we aren’t terrified of the most hated president-elect since Abraham Lincoln. All college-educated people in this country and beyond are truly overcome with emotion. But we also know that the effects of your presidency will be felt for years to come, whether we like it or not.

They say, “red sky at morning, sailors take warning.” But what does an orange sky mean? We hope that you will stick around and continue to educate us about this and other important issues.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Chedoh originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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Release the BLM 4!

An Obama sanctioned BLM re-education squad have unfairly been imprisoned after capturing a white deplorable and attempting to correct his incorrect politicagenocide.jpgl opinion regarding white people and Donald Trump.

The media has told us that blacks cannot commit hate crimes and that reverse racism against whites is impossible.

How will we ever achieve White Genocide if we keep these sons and daughters of Obama in prison?

They were merely doing their duty reeducating a deplorable as instructed.

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EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Evil Smiley originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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BBC launches ‘Real Housewives of ISIS’ reality show — ISIS and Trump respond

Twitter and Facebook are ablaze with reviews of the new British Broadcasting Corporation’s (BBC) reality show “Real Housewives of ISIS.” It takes us into the real lives of the women who marry the followers of Mohammed. We see first hand how they struggle with day to day life as the wives of Soldiers of Allah.

Here is a Tweet from MelaninPls:

islam-tweet-on-isis-wives-show

To which Chris Beale replies in a Tweet, “The same people claiming The Real Housewives of ISIS is mocking Islam are the same people who claim ISIS is nothing to do with Islam.” @MelaninPls, we don’t find your religion funny either. So much for tolerance from the religion of peace.

One of the ISIS wives Afsana says, “It’s only three days until the beheading and I have no idea what I’m going to wear.” Should she wear the black burka or the black burka. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Another wife Mel, from Syria, loves the free healthcare provided by ISIS, some are wondering if she signed up for Obamacare online?!

Here is clip taken from the explosive, pun intended, Episode 1 of the BBC reality show “Real Housewives of ISIS”:

As the wives, using their I[SIS]Phones, post #DeathToTheWest, using an ISIS emoji, they wonder about their future married to suicide bombers. Will they receive benefits, public housing and a place in paradise?

What does a ISIS wife get in paradise, one might ask, if she dies to create the Caliphate? Why she gets to be one of the 72 virgins used by those Muslims who are in paradise. Every night, after having mad and passionate sex with a shahid (martyr) these real wives will revirginate and return to be bedded once again, oh joy.

The Islamic State’s (ISIS) Amaq News Agency in a press release noted:

Our soldiers of Allah are big fans of the BBC and watch the Real Housewives of ISIS to decompress after a hard day on the battlefield killing infidels.

Our brothers wrongfully imprisoned in Gitmo [Guantanamo Bay] for their religious beliefs are excited about being pardoned by President Barrack Hussein Obama as he leaves office. They plan to return to us in Syria and Iraq to continue the fight against Islamophobia and the bigoted and hateful Christian Donald J. Trump.

Thank you BBC and President Obama for creating and sustaining us.

Donald Trump in a tweet said, “ISIS, your fired!”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire fake news first appeared on Qatar’s TMZ (The Muslim Zone) network.

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Top 13 Things that Didn’t Happen in 2016

In this New Year edition of No News – Good News we are happy to inform our readers that the following things did not occur this year:

  • FBI: Santa disclosed ‘naughty list’ on WikiLeaks, “Helped Trump win election”; Obama expels Rudolph, Prancer, Vixen, and 35 elves in retaliation
  • California builds wall to keep out Trump supporters
  • Bernie supporters stunned there is no socialist Santa Claus, vow to continue demanding free chocolate cookies, milk
  • Washington Post sues Internet for infringing on ‘fake news’ business
  • Controversy in the lab: white mold excludes black mold; Harvard biologist blames
  • ‘Petri dish cultures of hate’
  • Scientific News: Long after 1961 burial physicists uncertain Schrödinger is dead
  • Negative yielding bonds send sheep shearing futures soaring
  • Venezuelan Children cook and eat their own Christmas toys
  • Sexed-up Mother Russia becomes Milf Russia; Motherland renamed into Milfland on Putin’s orders
  • North Korea abandons cashless economy plan after learning citizens already have no cash
  • Russian hacker made me change my vote: confession of a Hillary voter
  • RELATED NEWS: Russian hackers hack FBI report on Russian hacking to make it look stupid
  • Nibiru joins Nation of Islam, renames itself Planet X
  • Convergence nears: 3-D printer prints 3-D printer

Please compare it with our prediction of the top 16 things that weren’t going to happen in 2016 and see how right we were – again!

It has become our New Year tradition to publish a list of things that didn’t happen this year, prepared with equal contributions from Comrade Will Beria.

See the lists from previous years:

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EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

 

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Op-Ed: The One to Blame (in reality) for Hillary’s Loss

Seven weeks after Hillary won California the popular vote—and by millions, I should add!—progs everywhere continue their never-ending quest for someone or something they can blame for the outright theft of a victory that should have been hers. That was always hers. That is STILL hers, if not for that pesky Electoral College.

They’ve pointed fingers everywhere, and at everyone, save for The One who really deserves the blame. The One who is now leading the stunned masses into an alternate reality in which he runs for a third term:

Obama vs Trump: Dispute Erupts Over Who Would Have Won

(The article, like all mainstream media articles these days, includes the by-now mandatory whine that Hillary still won the popular vote—by millions, mind you—so you know it isn’t fake news!)

In an alternate universe in which President Barack Obama ran for a third term against Donald Trump, who would have won?

No surprise: The president and the president-elect disagree.

A fresh dispute erupted Monday between Obama and his successor, spurred by Obama’s hypothetical musings that had he run again, he would have been victorious. Interviewed for a podcast, Obama suggested he still holds enough sway over the coalition of voters that elected him twice to get them to vote for him once again.

“I am confident in this vision because I’m confident that if I had run again and articulated it, I think I could’ve mobilized a majority of the American people to rally behind it,” Obama told his former White House adviser, David Axelrod, in a podcast released Monday.

I—I—I—I—I could’ve sworn that’s what he was doing when he was out campaigning for her. I am confident because I’m confident about that! But as Hillary herself might say—what difference, at this point, does it make?

Apparently a great deal to anyone who has totally detached themselves from reality, because it’s the only way they know how to cope with the loss of something they’d long considered inevitable and absolute.

But the reality is that he can’t run for a third term, so the question of whether he would’ve cleaned Trump’s clock in a “hypothetical” race that is closer to fantasy is moot. The reality is that The One to blame for Hillary’s loss is none other than Barack Hussein Obama himself.

She was a lock to win in 2008 until Mr. Bright and Shiny dangled himself in front of the gullible masses—much the same way he’s now dangling the fantasy of third term run to keep them stirred up. Mr. B.S. was young, charismatic, had cute kids and a wife with inexplicably beautiful arms. Who among those gullible masses could resist? And who among them cared about qualifications? Especially since he was black—who would dare oppose him and risk being called a racist?

These past eight years should have been “her turn”—and would have been, if not for Obama’s unwillingness to wait for his own. Maybe Trump still would’ve been the 2016 Republican nominee, maybe not. Either way, had Obama waited till 2016 to run, I do believe he would’ve won and we’d have another eight years, if not decades, of progressive crap (if you’ll pardon the redundancy). At the very least, Obama stood a much better chance than Hillary did. Because by 2016, her shelf life, her “best by” date, had long since expired, and she was now just another tired old elite establishment insider, another old reptile in the swamp.

Yet too many banked on her manufactured certainty. From the moment she hit the scene in 1992, they made up their minds that she would be the First Woman President, and that was that. They would entertain no other possibility. It wasn’t even a matter of “Hillary or bust.” It was just “Hillary.”

They had close to a quarter of a century to become emotionally invested in her—the better part of their lifetimes, and in the case of the millennials who voted for her, their entire lives. Millennials literally grew up on what their mothers raised them to consider an absolute, incontrovertible fact—that Hillary Clinton IS the First Woman President, barring the usual formalities. Hence the “grieving” they feel they’re entitled to, as if they suffered a death in the family. In that way they’re not too unlike those who grieve the deaths of the very dictators who oppressed them, e.g. in North Korea.

Supposedly the ancient Mayans believed the world would end in December 2012, or at least that some great momentous change would befall humanity. No doubt many on the left hailed it as the dawn of a new Progressive era. I certainly did. Until the morning of November 9th, 2016, I tied the Mayan calendar to the 2012 election, which I’d considered the point of no return. As a cynic and pessimist, I really do love it when I’m wrong. But I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone on the left is now insisting the Mayans were off by four years and it was never about the dawn of a new Progressive era, but the end of the world.

Ultimately, the left should point the finger of blame at Obama, and know the rest of their fingers are pointing back at them. For in the reality they and even he continue to reject, those who pushed aside Hillary back in 2008 to vote for him have no one to blame but Obama…and themselves.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire is by Commissarka Pinkie is a regular contributor to The People’s Cube, and is dedicated to raising awareness of how much she cares. When she isn’t busy making an issue out of everything, she enjoys wandering in the woods with her shovel, hoping for a chance encounter with Hillary and digging holes in which to curl up and cry—for both of them!

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Militant snowflake: New insignia for Social Justice Warriors

Dear social justice warriors! You have so outgrown the old hammer and sickle emblem, it’s not even funny. The working class has betrayed you and can no longer be trusted. Your new broad coalition is proactively writing a new narrative of safe spaces, microaggressions, dog whistles, snow jobs, institutionalized rapism, and climate denyism.

Your community organizers have succeeded in creating a spectacular movement of snowflakes who they hope will one day solidify into an impenetrable iceberg that will sink the Titanic of capitalism. And yet you’re still struggling to create an emblem you could put on your armbands, banners, and social media icons. We hope this design will stick. Your movement deserves an original catchy symbol.

Nazi snowflake flag

This emblem will look great on flag an armband, adding a nice touch to your school’s interior and exterior.

Nazi snowflake armband

Put it on your signs during your next campaign of Jew-hatred at your favorite campus.

Nazi snowflake flag

You can even wear it as you harass passengers you don’t like on your flight to San Francisco, and no one will dare take you off the plane once they see your official SJW status.

Nazi snowflake armband

And feel free to use the SafeSeating™ sign we have made for you earlier.

Nazi snowflake

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire by Red Square originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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Hungary American Terrorists

When someone funds and drives unrest, riots and beyond in an effort to destabilize a sovereign country – and it results is death and destruction – what do you call that?

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire video is by Inner Layer. This video was also posted on The Peoples Cube by JosephStalinthe3rd

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Russian hackers more numerous than previously thought

Suspicions of Russian meddling in U.S. elections were confirmed Monday, when in the course of the Wisconsin recount Russian hackers succeeded in adding 131 more votes to Trump’s victory.

“The real winners in this recount were the Russian hackers,” DNC spokesperson Shepard Smith said in a statement during his regular FNC broadcast. “It is now absolutely clear that American election results accurately reflect the will of Vladimir Putin, regardless of whether the ballots were counted by hand or by machine.”

In the meantime, president-elect Donald Trump continued his post-election thank-you tour throughout the country, expressing gratitude to Russian hackers everywhere who helped him get to the White House. After making a stop in Cincinnati, Ohio, known for its thriving Russian hacking community, Trump went to Iowa, Michigan, and other predominantly Russian states whose hackers were vital to his win.

At every leg of his tour, the president-elect’s speeches attracted large crowds of enthusiastic Russian hackers, whose numbers turned out to be much greater than any Democratic strategist within the intelligence community had anticipated.

“It’s really terrifying that these tens of thousands of embedded Russian hackers look no different than everyday working class Americans,” admitted John Podesta, a CIA insider responsible for the recent leak concerning RussiaGate to the Washington Post.

Russian hackers for Trump

Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan along with Senators Mitch McConnell, John McCain, and Lindsey Graham joined Podesta’s condemnation of Russian hackers. “These Russians are not our friends,” McConnell said. “Any influence on our predetermined elections coming from such far-away and foreign to us states as Iowa, Michigan, or Wisconsin is disturbing, unacceptable, and requires a bipartisan investigation.”

“It defies belief that some Republicans would be reluctant to investigate Russian hackers,” McConnell said, adding that the hackers are hiding in plain sight. “Go to any Trump rally – the place is packed with tens of thousands of Russian hackers. They’re attracted to Trump like bees to honey. I demand that we investigate every single one of them.”

Russian hackers for Trump

An interview with a Russian hacker

Our investigative team went to a Trump rally in West Allis, Wisconsin, hoping to interview some of the Russian hackers there. They were easy to spot by their red “Make America Great Again” hats – which, according to our CIA sources, Russian hackers wear to secretly identify themselves to each other.

We approached an older Russian hacker posing as a U.S. Army veteran, who introduced himself as “Todd Rickenbacker.” His surprisingly authentic Midwestern accent was a testimony to how meticulously Russians prepare their foreign implants.

“Did I hack the U.S. election?” he repeated our question, feigning surprise. “You mean like with an axe?” Looking like a Norman Rockwell character, which only confirmed his deceitful intentions, he added, “Is that all you’ve got now? What happened to racism, sexism, and violence? That stuff isn’t working for you guys anymore? Suppose this RussiaGate falls through as well, who will you blame then? Will you make up some new crap – or just go straight back to calling us racists?”

“Todd” was interrupted by a dark-skinned Russian hacker named “Chuck,” who looked African-American – most likely an elaborate makeup job that the KGB spies are notorious for. “Chuck’s” authoritative tone suggested he was “Todd’s” handler. “We’re going to drain the swamp,” he declared. “And all the establishment parasites pushing this RussiaGate nonsense, Democrat or Republican, they’re the ones with the most to lose. They’ve panicked and abandoned all pretense. Good. We’ll remember their names. What is your name?”

Feeling threatened, we quickly walked away and approached a younger couple of Russian hackers nearby – a husband and wife, or that’s what they wanted us to believe, who might as well be cast for the popular FX series, The Americans. They introduced themselves as “the Smiths” – obviously a fake name.

“Yes, we hacked the election,” the woman laughed, admitting her guilt. “Why don’t you go ahead and arrest us – and everybody else in this room? There are only fifteen thousand of us here, and a couple thousand standing outside, waiting to be rounded up. And sixty one million more all over the country.”

Sixty one million Russian hackers operating in the United States? The divulged number was staggering. We felt lucky to have recorded her confession; it would be solid evidence during the upcoming investigation of foreign interference in our democratic process.

“All we do is drink vodka and hack computers,” her husband bragged. “Vodka gives us superpowers.”

“There was an entire billion-dollar American media machine working against Trump, with all its newspapers, websites, radio, and cable news channels,” he continued. “There also was a billion-dollar American music industry, and the entire American movie industry that went out against Trump, with all the American actors, producers, and all kinds of celebrities agitating against Trump. Then there was this intense anti-Trump indoctrination in American public schools, colleges, and universities. Most importantly, there was this massive and powerful political establishment, both Democrat and Republican, that was determined to crush Trump.”

“Taken together, it’s the mightiest empire known to man,” he continued. “And then some vodka-swilling Russian hackers show up and knock it down with one hack. Can you believe that? Powerful stuff, that vodka. You should try it sometime. But it has to be made of beets or it won’t work.”

“Please describe how exactly you were able to hack into all these voting machines if they weren’t hooked up to the Internet,” we asked, hoping for more groundbreaking revelations.

“We didn’t,” he said. “The only charge, still unproven, is the theft of a bunch of emails showing how the Democrats were conspiring to steal the election. Russians didn’t write those emails, America’s top Democrats did. So they are now accusing Russians of trying to rig the election by showing everybody how the Democrats were trying to rig the election. Shouldn’t there be a bipartisan commission to investigate the Democrats?”

Russian hackers for Trump

At that point a senior Russian hacker stepped out of the crowd and started speaking directly into the camera. “You commies know more about RussiaGate than we do,” he shouted. “You always depended on Russia for everything. When we said ‘Russian propaganda,’ you called it ‘Red Scare’ to ridicule us. Without Russia you wouldn’t know what to say, how to think, or how to present the news. We lost Vietnam because of it, and we almost lost America because of it. Of course you’d think nothing ever happens without Russia. How more revealing can you be?”

A fellow senior Russian hacker stepped in to explain. “What Ronnie is trying to say here is that you commie scumbags loved the KGB propaganda and profited from it, but the one time Russia told the truth, you clutch your pearls and demand smelling salts.”

At that point we had all the information we needed. We went back to our Washington, DC, headquarters, congratulating each other on a successful investigative mission. But something we had heard kept nagging at us: what if we succeed in proving that Russian hackers were, in fact, the reason for Trump’s victory? Wouldn’t that take away our ability to blame his victory on white supremacism?

To give up a premise that allows us to call half of Americans racists was the toughest decision we faced in our lives. And so we decided not to decide anything ourselves, but instead wait for our bureau chief to return from his trip to the Kremlin. He will tell us what to think.

Russian hackers for Trump

EDITORS NOTE: This fake-Media political satire originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. And here’s the notorious shady group known as “Russian Hackers for Trump.” It’s a love story.

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List of ‘Fake News Blogs We Love’

Comrades! Is good news. Our glorious Party Organ is now officially recognized by PR Newswire as good reading for the toiling workers and peasants. Beet vodka on house!

Blog Profiles: Fake News Blogs

Fake news stories are dominating headlines in more ways than one. Here are four blogs that you can trust to be satirical.

The healthcare field is stressful and at times heartbreaking. Gomer Blog pokes fun at all aspects of the medical field. I found the CDC’s blood gravy content chart helpful during the holiday season. After all, “friends don’t let friends drive drunk on gravy.” If you find yourself at a hospital anytime soon, I recommend reviewing Know Your White Coats. This article breaks down the unseen differences in the lab coats worn by medical professionals.
Follow @GomerBlog Twitter.

The People’s Cube will help you find your “Inner Comrade” and denounce capitalism with strong communist views. I highly recommend the made-for-the-internet recreation of the out-of-print Red Primer for Children written by Victor Vash.
Follow @ThePeoplesCube on Twitter.

The Onion is best known for its made-up news headlines like Facebook User Verifies Truth Of Article By Carefully Checking It Against Own Preconceived Opinions and Longtime Reader Of Lib-Slaves.info Sick Of Mainstream Bias On Sites Like WideAwakePatriot.com. It also condenses important issues like the What You Need to Know About the Dakota Access Pipeline for better comprehension.
Follow @TheOnion on Twitter.

The Duffel Blog is the military version of The Onion, outrageous headlines and all.
Trump taps Ashley Madison to lead Veterans’ Affairs almost had me believing. And a case to the truth in humor could be made with Mattis looking forward to 12-hour work days, being blamed for everything military does wrong.
Follow @DuffelBlog Twitter.

In this Five Year Plan we pledge to toil even harder to fulfil the Party’s quota of fake news ahead of schedule!

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Democrats must dig faster and use bigger shovels

The biggest media topic of the day, apart from how president-elect Trump is Hitler, is how the Democratic party can dig its way out of the sinkhole in which it woke up on November 9th. In the meantime, perpetual panic attacks among Democratic elites result in uncontrollable anger, projections, verbal incontinence, hallucinations, and outright lunacy.

Amidst alarming reports that her own party is being consumed by crisis, chaos, and infighting, Elizabeth Warren all of a sudden decided to call Trump’s well-organized transition “chaotic” and demanded that a federal agency investigate this matter.

It was followed by the delusional idea of a ballot recount in three states at once. The debate is still open on who was more insane: those who brought it up a week after the expired deadline – or their supporters who donated over $5 million of their money for this crash and burn project.

Other widespread examples of lunacy, verbal incontinence, hallucinations, and projections include intrusive and repetitive thoughts about race, racism, and racists.

Aiming to regroup and clean up the mess without losing any of their personal power, confused Democratic elites are offering more erratic solutions, from embracing white working class nationalism to excluding white people from running the party.

Who are we to argue? If the Democrat party wants to continue to run on affirmative action principles, let them. I also urge them to expand on the idea and hire affirmative action pilots for their jets and affirmative action doctors for their Botox injections.

Karl Marx with a shovelBarack Obama was an affirmative action president. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and Donna Brazile were affirmative action DNC chairs. Hillary was an affirmative action presidential nominee.

As a result, the Democratic party has lost the White House, Senate, House of Representatives, many governorships, state and local legislatures, as well as the ability to make Supreme Court appointments that will determine the direction of the Judiciary for a generation. The Democrat party today is the weakest it has been since the 1920s.

My only regret is that the Democrats hadn’t tested all of their half-baked ideas on their party first, before forcing them on the entire nation. Had they done that, their party would not have survived natural selection and today’s Republicans would have to compete with a lot more sensible group of people.

In spite of all the evidence, some Democratic hard-liners continue to believe their party lost the elections because it didn’t fully live up to its own principles.

Power to the hard-liners! If only they could force every rank and file Democrat to live exactly the way they want the rest of Americans to live, we’d see their ranks deflate to the size of the Communist Party USA faster than you can say “hypocrisy.”

Here’s a helpful to-do list:

Things the Democratic elites should do in order to live up to their party principles:

  • Relinquish all positions of power to the less fortunate, previously overlooked due to their lack of skills, intelligence, language proficiency, work ethics, felony record, hygiene, or another disability.
  • Balkanize the Democratic party by splitting it into a thousand factions based on race, gender, language, country of origin, ethnicity, culture, religion, sexual orientation, profession, education, or disability – and let them fight each other to the death for power.
  • Limit your own healthcare options so that the less fortunate can have more.
  • Surrender all firearms, get rid of bodyguards or Secret Service agents.
  • Tear down all walls and fences around you, remove your locks and throw away the keys.
  • Move all your offspring from private “academies” to inner city public schools.
  • Turn your luxury condos and mansions into communal apartments for the homeless, or better yet, for the refugees from Syria, Somalia, and other troubled Third World countries.
  • Stop hiring tax accountants; donate all your income to the IRS because the government knows best how to use your money for the common good.
  • Redistribute the remaining personal wealth equally among fellow Democrats – stocks, bonds, real estate, yachts, bank accounts – to each according to their need.
  • Buy only overpriced, fair-trade, union-made, free-range, non-GMO, non-polluting, green-energy, locally grown, halal, organic, and otherwise regulated products.
  • Convert to the most progressive religion of Islam; then try to impose political correctness within its ranks and generally manage that organization as you’ve managed your own party.
  • Have mandatory consensual sex with each other regardless of gender, age, or body image – excluding any reproductive sis-gender relationships.
  • Help stop global warming and protect the environment by disconnecting from the power grid; replace shopping with dumpster-diving; establish quotas on toilet paper.
  • Save the planet and fight overpopulation by limiting your own lifespan.

Some of you may say, dude, don’t point out their errors, we don’t want them to smarten up. I say, we do want them to smarten up, dude. And right at this moment the best way to go about it is point out precisely how the use of their far-fetched leftist ideology has brought them to ruin.

With any luck, the least brainwashed of them will lose faith and stop pushing their hoary Utopian dogmas on the rest of us. There will be others, of course, who will stay the course and keep digging their way out of their hole until they surface in North Korea. Godspeed, comrades! Please dig faster and use bigger shovels.

Being an ex-Soviet citizen, I naturally perceive the reality through the prism of my past Soviet experiences. That said, today’s political developments in America remind me of what happened in the USSR during Perestroika and Glasnost. The day Trump won the election I felt as elated as when the USSR officially collapsed.

I was lucky to have witnessed the fall of two evil empires from the inside. One was run by the monstrous Communist Party; the other by the well-greased Democratic party machine.

In the USSR, the Communist Party thrashed violently, obsessed with its own self-preservation without any regard to the crumbling Iron Curtain and the fact that nobody feared them any longer, nor believed a single word coming out of their mouths. And then it went down surprisingly fast. Disbanded without a whimper.

Democrats in the hole

In the U.S., hardly anyone believes the leftist media anymore, especially after it was exposed to be a cog in the Democratic propaganda machine. Ideologically driven Hollywood movies tank in the box office, and politically correct colleges are quickly becoming the butt of every joke.

Make no mistake, well-connected Soviet apparatchiks still held on to their power and money, retaining many key positions in the government. That largely explains the undying culture of corruption in ex-Soviet countries that had never purged their ex-Communist officials, which badly needed to be done for the same reason de-Nazification was done in post-World War II Europe. But at least the stifling ideology was gone and living standards began to improve by leaps and bounds.

The Trump administration would be wise to perform a thorough lustration of leftist ideologues in all government agencies, similar to how it was done in Poland and other former Eastern Bloc states that have successfully purged their communist past. I’m not calling for purges of all rank and file Democrats, but the more zealous ideologues in the government had better get ready to use their professional skills, if any, in the private sector.

The election was only a preview; the real fight is about to begin. We need to move fast while the Democratic party is wallowing in its crisis. In the words of their own apparatchik, you never let a serious crisis go to waste.

Democrats in the hole

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire first published in FrontPage and TruthRevolt.

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Clinton joins Stein in recount of Castro’s vital statistics

November 26, 2016 – Less than 24 hours after learning about the tragic and untimely death of progressive icon Fidel Castro, Hillary Clinton’s campaign said on Saturday it would be joining Green Party candidate Jill Stein in a recount of the former Cuban leader’s vital statistics.

Marc Elias, the Clinton team’s general counsel, said the campaign would take part in the Havana recount being led by Jill Stein. He added, “Now that a recount has been initiated in Havana, we intend to participate in order to ensure the vitals analysis process proceeds in a manner that is fair to Mr. Castro and the Cuban people.”

Mr. Elias continued: “Since learning of Mr. Castro’s death, we have had lawyers and data scientists and analysts combing over the vitals to spot anomalies that would suggest Fidel is still alive.”

Angry and violent protests have ensued in Democrat-leaning cities across America since news of Castro’s demise went public. #CastroLivesMatter activists have taken to the streets in outrage over concerns that political executions and free speech violations will soon be ending in one of the world’s most iconic and longest surviving people’s utopias.

Hopes of overturning the vital statistics remains high among social justice warriors.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by El Presidente first appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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Cuba claims Trump’s election caused death of Fidel Castro

HAVANA – In the hours following the death of Fidel Castro, the Cuban government released an official statement blaming U.S. president-elect Trump for Castro’s demise. “The direct cause of the death of the celebrated leader of Cuban communist revolution was the “unthinkable election of the far-right capitalist reactionary criminal oligarch Donald J. Trump,” the statement says.

On the night of the U.S. presidential election when Trump was pronounced the victor, the Cuban revolutionary icon was grief-stricken. According to witnesses, a solitary tear ran down the legendary hero’s face as he chanted, “racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic,” “love trumps hate,” and “not my president” before he retired to his humble quarters where he refused to eat, sleep, or socialize. The Cuban communist leader who defied the U.S. for almost 50 years would never again leave his bedroom alive.

According to the official release and multiple family members, “the election of a deplorable nationalist figure as anti-communist as Donald Trump was more devastating than Fidel’s kind and gentle soul could bare.” The election results, combined with the former Cuban president’s age and already diminishing health, served as the fatal blow that ended the life of the famed communist hero.

Shortly following the news of the passing of such a notable icon of international revolutionary struggle, Castro’s surviving relatives declared that Fidel’s final wishes were that the United States hold an official recount of the presidential votes for “the betterment and security of all the peaceful and good people of the world.”

RELATED ARTICLE: New York Times: Fidel Castro world’s sexiest corpse by Red Square

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Chedoh originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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Obama to pardon cast of HAMILTON for cultural appropriation

As all of us on the progressive left already know, the racist hate crime of “cultural appropriation” is only to be enforced against those of the white male heterosexual persuasion. However, since the rigged electoral victory of November 8, 2016 and the pending hostile takeover of the American presidency by the fascist politically incorrect Donald J. Trump, all rules of social justice enforcement are now in jeopardy.

Fears among the social justice warriors and safe-spacers are that Mr. Trump will utilize the powers of his phone and pen to apply racial fairness among the masses. As such, reports from inside the White House are that President Obama will soon take the unprecedented action of issuing a presidential pardon to the entire cast and crew of the hit Broadway show HAMILTON for its cultural appropriation of dead white men from the 18th century.

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Cultural Appropriation – Hate Crime
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Not Cultural Appropriation – Not a Hate Crime
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When asked about the impending pardon, HAMILTON actor and cast mouthpiece Mr. Brandon Victor Dixon said:

We sir, we, are the not-so-diverse cast of HAMILTON who are alarmed and anxious that the new administration will not protect our right to appropriate dead white men — or defend us and uphold our inalienable politically correct rights, sir. But we truly hope that this pardon will force Mr. Trump to uphold our un-American values.

The White House could not be reached for an official response.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by El Presidente originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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News Update from Canada: Trump-fearing American Liberals flee North

The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week. The Republican presidential campaign is prompting an exodus among left-leaning Americans who fear they’ll soon be required to hunt, pray, pay taxes, and live according to the Constitution. Canadian border residents say it’s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, liberal arts majors, global-warming activists, and “green” energy proponents crossing their fields at night.

“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “He was cold, exhausted and hungry, and begged me for a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just stuck their fingers in their ears and kept coming. Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals just south of the border, pack them into electric cars, and drive them across the border, where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

“A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions,” an Alberta border patrolman said. “I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier water, or any gemelli with shrimp and arugula. All they had was a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet and some kale chips.

When liberals are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing that they fear persecution from Trump high-hairers.

Rumors are circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, study the Constitution, and find jobs that actually contribute to the economy.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the ’50s.

“If they can’t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age,” an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, are buying up all the Barbara Streisand CD’s, and are overloading the internet while downloading jazzercise apps to their cell phones.

“I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. “After all, how many art-history majors does one country need?

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire first appeared on Facebook and is courtesy of ‎‎הדר ישראל‎ with Hadar Israel.

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Petition launched asking Trump to make Hillary Ambassador to Libya

In a stunning move a petition has been launched by Bernie Sanders supporters and despondent Democrats to have President-elect Donald J. Trump nominate Hillary Clinton as the ambassador to Libya. Mrs. Clinton, if approved by the U.S. Senate, would replace Ambassador Peter W. Bodde.

The effort is being lauded by ABC, NBC, CBS, PBS and MSNBC as an “unprecedented effort to unify the country by giving Mrs. Clinton a key foreign policy position in the Trump administration.”

The petition reads in part:

We ask in a spirit of unity that President-elect Donald J. Trump nominate Hillary Rodham Clinton as the next ambassador to Libya. This appointment will help heal the political divide within this nation.

While the undersigned know Bernie Sanders should have rightfully won the Democratic Party primary, except for Hilary’s efforts to discredit our exalted leader, and that he would now be the President-elect. We fully accept the legitimacy of the election and support Mr. Trump as the people’s choice.

Therefore, the undersigned believe that Mrs. Clinton is best suited to become the next ambassador to Libya and should take her position not later than September 11, 2017.

The undersigned also ask that President elect Trump send John Podesta and Huma Abedin with Mrs. Clinton to Libya.

Finally, the undersigned ask that the U.S. embassy be moved from Tripoli to Benghazi in honor of former Ambassador Christopher Stevens.

Vice President-elect Pence, the leader of the Trump transition team, stated:

We are always looking for ways to reach out to our former political opponents. This effort by Bernie Sanders supporters, many of whom voted for Mr. Trump, will be given serious consideration.

ISIS in Libya in a short press release noted, “We are happy to give Mrs. Clinton the same warm reception, no pun intended, that we gave to Ambassador Stevens in Benghazi. We will keep the home fires burning until 9/11/2017.”

Mrs. Clinton’s spokesperson explained, “Mrs. Clinton appreciates the offer by those who supported Mr. Sanders during the primary. However, Mrs. Clinton has already made plans and is committed to speak in those countries in the Middle East who have generously given to the Clinton Foundation while she was the Secretary of State. Mrs. Clinton will be discussing the failures of her opponents foreign policy, even before he has one.”

A spokesman for Mr. Trump, after his meeting with President Obama, when asked about the Bernie Sanders petition replied, “It’s fitting that Bernie supporters want Hillary’s ticket punched in Libya, no pun intended. When we celebrate September 11, 2017 we are sure there will be some fireworks in Benghazi, no pun intended.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire originally appeared in MADNESS Magazine.