Top Twelve Things that Didn’t Happen in 2013

Here are our Top Twelve Things that Didn’t Happen in 2013:

  1. November designated Ignorance Awareness Month; apathetic public doesn’t care
  2. Space-time expansion accelerates; clock faces change to 13 hours
  3. Y2K finally kicks in, is blamed for glitches
  4. Rhetoric reaches tipping point, grows exponentially, hits wall, goes over cliff, crashes and burns
  5. Newer Testament released, Commandments replaced with Executive Orders
  6. Government worker discovers untapped debt hidden in Capitol’s debt ceiling
  7. Post-modern era ends, neo-post-retro-revival era begins
  8. Hell’s Angels sue Wall Street to get 1% label back, Wall Street retaliates by selling Harley-Davidson to China
  9. More climate data lost due to a growing number and intensity of memory holes
  10. To raise revenue government begins charging for formerly free speech
  11. Tired old clichés replaced with fresh new clichés
  12. Earth’s magnetic field reverses, the South rises again

Things not likely to happen in 2014:

  • A headline that reads “Government program ends as its intended goal has been achieved.”

What is likely to happen in 2014:

  • All numbers will be in binary and ahl speling wil bee dun funnetiklee.

Hahpee 11101101010, komradz!