Comrades, our beloved First Lady’s 50th birthday is today, or tomorrow, or some time this weekend. But whenever it is, we can make every day her birthday by doing the exact same stuff she does!
I present for your consideration the following link from ABC News:
First Lady Michelle Obama turns 50 today, and although the big White House celebration planned by President Obama isn’t until Saturday, that doesn’t mean you have to wait to celebrate.
If your invite to Saturday’s dance party in Washington went missing, here are 50 other ways to honor the first lady on her big day — by doing some of her favorite things, from wearing stylish dresses to eating your veggies to doing the Dougie, preferably with Jimmy Fallon.
But we needn’t limit ourselves to 50. How many other ways can we honor the greatest First Lady to ever grace humanity by pretending to do what she does? I’ll even get things started:
1. Shop at Target and don’t worry about hackers stealing your credit info. After all, it’s not as if you’re spending your own hard-earned money.
2. When escaping the bubble to go incognito among the masses, never dress to blend in. Always wear the most outrageous get-up that will make you stand out like a big red zit on prom night. And always warn media outlets in advance of what you’re doing so they’ll respect your privacy by staying away.
3. Go sleeveless, even when most of the country is freezing, because you can jack up your thermostat as high as you want. Or just stay in Hawaii a few extra weeks.
4. Tell other people to eat their vegetables.
5. Have your staff plant a garden, then make them tend it. Never do it yourself unless the cameras are rolling.
6. Wear $450 shoes with sparkly pink toe caps while appearing for a photo-op at a homeless shelter.
7. Travel to military installations where you’ll tie up traffic and shut down most facilities to make speeches about how you really care about military families.
8. Empathize with the military wife whose husband is deployed to a war zone by talking about how tough you had it in your Chicago mansion with all those people to do things for you while your husband was in Springfield or Washington and only came home every weekend.
9. For the first time in your life, be proud of your country because they finally nominated a candidate based on his skin color instead his qualifications.
10. Tell someone else to give up their own piece of pie.
11. Sit between your husband and the Danish prime minister to stop them from flirting with each other.
12. Go on all those silly women’s talk shows to gab about all the things you dream of doing after you go back to being a private citizen in 2017—none of which seem any different from what you’re doing now.
13. Whine about what a huge sacrifice it is to be the most privileged woman in America.
14. Just keep on dancing…and partying…and shopping…and spending…and living it up on other people’s money!
EDITORS NOTE: This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.