Global Warming-Cooling Explained

In cold years like these, climate change deniers always ask a trick question: “How come global warming can cause both heating and cooling?” The answer is actually quite simple.

We all know that sometimes it’s hot as Hell*, and sometimes it’s cold as Hell. Clearly, Hell can make it hotter or colder. The science is settled on the fact that global warming will be Hell on Earth, and since Hell can make it hotter or colder, global warming can, therefore, also make it hotter or colder.

Let’s go one step further. Things can also be boring as Hell, as in “nothing’s happening, it’s the same old same-old.” Thus, Hell can also mean that things don’t change. If you’ve followed the reasoning so far, you can clearly see that if it gets hotter, colder, or temperatures are flat, it’s due to global warming. Just as predicted.

Granted, the realization that warming can cause cooling takes a little imagination, and this is exactly what the deniers lack, or they wouldn’t deny imaginary science. Any way you cut it, warming is a catastrophe. Imagine if every day of the year it gets two degrees hotter. Tomorrow it will be 22 degrees instead of today’s 20. On a day six months from now it will go from 90 to 92 degrees. Can you imagine the carnage? Not if you’re a denier.

We’re talking about a return to the Medieval warm period. We certainly know what that entails. Viking raids will start up all over again. The polar bear will become extinct a second time. All peer-reviewed literature will be written in Latin. There’ll be no Obamacare and everybody’s four humors will get totally out of whack without the government managing our bodily functions. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg – except there’ll be no icebergs!

All because of CO2. You know what produces a lot of CO2? Climate change deniers, who just can’t stop breathing in and out. We must put an end to that.

Global Warming-Cooling reaches Mecca. Winter is coming!

*We capitalize Hell because it’s the name of a place. You know, like Washington, D.C. or Detroit.

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