Vladimir Putin, tired of being labeled as a “bully” by media left and right, held a press conference in the Kremlin earlier today, offering a completely new angle to his case for the seizure of the Crimean Peninsula and the possible invasion of Ukraine: the presence of a Tea Party element at the Maidan in Kiev.
“The Ukrainian nationalists have historically been a grave threat to peace in Eastern Europe, indeed, the whole planet and possibly the solar system,” the Russian President said through an interpreter. “They were likened to Nazis by the previous Soviet government, which was universally esteemed by American media as true, unbiased, and factual,” Vladimir Putin paused to wipe away sentimental tear. “Remember Pravda’s motto? ‘We report, you agree.’ I make little funny there,” the Russian President smiled as chuckles rippled through the room.
“However,” Putin proceeded gravely, “according to new information from reliable sources, this so called ‘independence’ movement in Ukraine has been taken over not only by Jews and Neo-Nazis, but TEA Party members as well.”
“Here is picture of hundreds of activists waving Gadsden flags and other totalitarian symbols of oppression in Maidan Square,” said the Russian President to an audible gasp of horror from the Western journalists. “Believe it or not, they are shouting for lower taxes and limited government.”
As one reporter for NPR began mumbling, “I knew it, I knew it,” an ABC correspondent fainted in her chair. The presser was briefly paused to allow medical personnel to carry a trembling New York Times journalist from the room.
U.S. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid immediately seized on the news: “We must no longer punish our Russian brothers who have joined us in this most noble cause,” he whispered passionately from the Senate floor. “I hope my Republican colleagues will join me in granting Russia with most favored nation status and access to any military technology we might not have already passed on to them.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who was nodding in agreement behind Reid, took the microphone next. “World peace is threatened by dangerous radicals. They may be supported by the likes of Senator Ted Cruz, but certainly not by the reasonable, true conservatives in the Republican Party. We stand with Putin,” McConnell finished and turned away to be warmly embraced by Senator Reid.
President Obama immediately countered Putin’s press conference with a statement of his own.
“This new information changes everything,” Obama said from the Oval Office. “In the past, I had threatened to release another picture of me posing decisively with a telephone if Putin continued to escalate the situation, but I have directed the photographer to wait indefinitely. Instead, by my direction, we are sending a carrier task force to the Black Sea to assist the Russian military in their mission, and in addition, three divisions of crack IRS auditors.”
In an interview on MSNBC, Hillary Clinton hotly denied comparing Putin to Hitler.
“I never made any such comparison, directly or indirectly,” said the former Secretary of State. “It should be abundantly clear to anybody who was paying close attention that I was talking about Rush Limbaugh.”
Meanwhile, the New York Times, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, NPR, and Martha Stewart Living have all issued lengthy retractions and apologies for referring to Vladimir Putin as a bully.
Speaking of the media’s latest view of President Putin, Chris Mathews of MSNBC admitted, “It’s weird, I just can’t stop looking at his shirtless pictures.”