Ted Cruz: Other than Cigarette Smoking, the Pic is Accurate

First Breitbart and then Time reported earlier today that mysterious photoshopped posters of Ted Cruz, showing the Texas Republican senator shirtless, with edgy tattoos, smoking a cigarette, were plastered around various locations in Los Angeles, like the Beverly Hilton Hotel, late Thursday night.

Time Magazine writes: Of course, Cruz is tattooed in poster form only. Some mischief-maker posted his photoshopped (we think!) image around town ahead of a speaking engagement for the congressmen at Beverly Hills’ Claremont Institute. The event was scheduled for Saturday night.

Likely a prank, the stunt prompted a tongue-and-cheek response from the Senator:

They think it’s prank? How much do we know about Ted Cruz, really? Could it be that this picture is actually a selfie texted from his phone to a mysterious Tea Party knockout, and his official bio is nothing more than a fictionalized alternative reality?

According to our sources, Ted Cruz is actually a twin brother of Chuck Norris, and his powers extend beyond the realm of what can be grasped by mere mortals.

We know for a fact that…

– When Al Gore invented the Internet, his inbox already contained three unread emails from Ted Cruz.

– Ted Cruz has a quadruple citizenship in the U.S., Canada, Middle-earth and Westeros.

– If you superimpose Ted Cruz’s fingerprints, the resulting image will be the Seal of the President of the United States.

– When Ted Cruz got bit by a rattle snake, the snake had to sign up for Obamacare but couldn’t get through the login screen and died after a week of pain and agony in front of the computer.

– Ted Cruz has already won the presidential election in 2016 with a roundhouse kick in the polls; the pollsters just haven’t developed the technology to look that far into the future.

More facts and documentary footage to follow.