Merger of Milky Way and Andromeda Galaxies approved by President Obama

Galactic News, Stardate – 308582.5: Today the Justice Department, along with the Commerce, Transportation, Treasury, and various other alphabetical departments have announced the approval of the biggest merger in history: of the Andromeda Galaxy and our own Milky Way.

“This has been in the works since the early days of Obama’s presidency,” said Ivana Suyu, Justice Department spokeswoman. “Although the merger will not happen for two billion years, we wanted to have everything in order and ensure that there is fairness for our galaxy,” she added.

Considering the number of issues involved, approval of the merger required intense participation of just about every department in Washington.

The Treasury needed to make sure the Andromeda Galaxy has not filed for bankruptcy in the last billion years. “Talk about too big to fail,” says Phillip Porkbarrel, a high ranking Treasury advisor. “We couldn’t bail them out even by executive order; there isn’t enough space on planet Earth and the moon combined, to print up and store the extra money needed to bail out a galaxy.”

Then there were wormhole connections, dimensional gateways, hyperspace lanes, smuggling routes and other related items that required approval of the Commerce and Transportation Departments.

The Departments of Agriculture, Education, Homeland Security, and Health and Human Services will coordinate efforts in accommodating the influx of undocumented space aliens from both galaxies, who will be welcomed on planet Earth with EBT cards, free tuition at college, free medical care, housing, and other diversity benefits that will help them to populate our planet without the need to learn our carbon-based culture.

A special Cloward-Piven interagency fund will pay for an army of translators from every galactic language until the time the last un-curious earthling gets around to speaking alien.

The new combined galaxy will be known as Andromeda-Milky. “Of course we would have preferred our galaxy’s name to be first, but we made a concession to make sure we’re all at the top of the alphabet. They also made quite a few concessions that benefit us,” explained Suyu. According to insiders, some of these concessions include finding employment for President Barack Obama once his second presidential term expires.

Preliminary reports suggest that on Earth-date January 20, 2017, Barack Obama will assume the title of Galactic Emperor of both the Andromeda and Milky Way Galaxies, at which time he will be given the ability to zap people with lightning from his fingers, along with a red light saber and a cloak with a hoodie.

The new dual empire will be modeled after Austria-Hungary but on a much larger scale. Once the galaxies are physically merged four to six billion years from now, Emperor Obama’s job will be to consolidate them into one single unit on the principles of social, environmental, and gravitational justice, ensuring equality of all planets regardless of their color, orbit, temperature, or the presence of intelligent life on the surface.

The Andromeda Galaxy to provide Emperor Obama with an Imperial Fleet flying him to the hottest vacation spots in either galaxy or elsewhere across the universe.

“The Obamas have already been everywhere on planet Earth, and that annual three-or-four-week vacation to Hawaii is starting to get old,” explained the White House official enforcer and R&R coordinator, Darth ValJar.

“The president’s fine tastes entitle him to see the best of what other galaxies have to offer. First Empress Michelle Obama will be provided with a separate Imperial Fleet even if she is traveling to the same location as her husband, and each family pet will also get an Imperial Fleet for separate travel,” Darth ValJar said.

The dual galactic empire will consist of 57 trillion planets, which Obama intends to keep all in line with the help of The Golf Star – a gigantic, remotely controlled golf club that will exist in space, allowing him to practice his golf swing and make it clear that he is to be obeyed. Should any galactic entity get out of line, the emperor will swing the club and send that planet or entire solar system into the nearest black hole.

Some Republican critics are already questioning Barack Obama’s plans to be around during the galactic merger two billion years from now, providing evidence that most humans do not live beyond 122 years at best. “President Obama is superior to regular human beings,” says outgoing White House spokesperson Jay Carney. “Besides, government scientists are working on a plan to download Obama’s mind into the Honda robot to which he bowed to a while back. If anything breaks down in that robot over time, it can be then simply replaced.”

Other critics have noted that by that time the earth will likely be either engulfed by the sun or become uninhabitable as our sun becomes a red giant. “The President and First Lady plan to co-sign an executive order banning the sun from doing this, giving a whole new meaning for the term ‘global warming’,” a White House insider explained. “The order will categorize the sun as a monopoly that ought to be broken up into smaller suns and redistributed if necessary. If that doesn’t work, the Emperor will be relocated to a new home world on Saturn’s moon Titan, which should be warm enough by then. Contingency plans involve returning planetary status to Pluto, where Obama can be urgently relocate if Titan doesn’t work out.”

Quite predictably, Republicans have not signed onto the merger, questioning the need, the costs, and the lack of free elections to the office of the Galactic Emperor. “The obstructionist party of ‘NO’ is at it again,” says Congressman Maximilian Wastealot (D-NY). “All we’re trying to do here is a simple merger of two galaxies, why do we even need oversight? Why do we need to deal with messy and costly elections when the President has already volunteered to give up his retirement and take on the burdens of the position of Galactic Emperor? This is why Republicans and Tea Parties are going to be banned in the new empire. I trust they will change their position once they become acquainted with what comes out of the new Emperor’s fingers,” he quipped.

According to inside sources, the office of U.S. president in post-Obama America will become a mostly ceremonial position and will be phased out over time, as Emperor Barack and Empress Michelle plan to rule the galaxies as autocrats.