Confused Gov. Jerry Brown declares Sharia law in Caliphornia

The declaration of a Caliph state between the border of Syria and Iraq has raised some interesting parallels, bringing confusion to California Governor Jerry Brown’s cabinet and resulting in an executive order that changed the official spelling of the state to “Caliphornia,” and the title of the Golden State’s Governor to “Caliph.”

“We feel that we are all of one mind when it comes to state power and control,” stated an anonymous source deep in Brown’s cabinet. “The freedom fighters of the newly declared Caliphate have honored us by taking part of our name and we feel we must respond in kind.”

“Besides, if you take the land occupied by ISIS and tilt it on its side, and squint a little, it looks a lot like Caliphornia,” the source added.

Caliph Jerry Brown today held a press conference to introduce and explain the new way of governing.

“To honor and support the founding of the new, thriving Caliphate, and because we love all religions except Christianity, we will now follow Sharia law,” said Brown.

“We are excited about saving our taxpayers considerable money by emptying our prisons and retroactively erasing all crimes committed during the period when I was dating Linda Ronstadt. That was a happy time for me, and I think we should all share in that happiness,” Caliph Brown stated. “Everyone else will be stoned, beheaded, lashed, or have their limbs amputated in accordance with the new penal code, based on recommendations by the most prominent experts in Islamic jurisprudence who derive their scholarly opinions from the sayings of Mohammed as recorded in the Hadith, the Sunnah, and the Koran.

The Caliph also promised his subjects to blow up and/or close all non-compliant places of worship, appending the surviving churches and synagogues with minarets in compliance with Caliphornia’s building codes.

A separate anti-idolatry fatwa has been issued to stop the rampant proliferation of small and medium-sized Buddha statues, a few million of which are expected to be surrendered to designated state recycling centers.

Government inspectors, identifiable by their towel-like headdress, will be making surprise visits to suspected private homes and businesses, especially New Age and Holistic Healing Centers, with a license to break any unauthorized Buddhas, Gaias, and other non-compliant religious figurines, as well as to drag the perpetrators by their hair out front and subject them to public lashings.

A new bill establishing a 10% Jizya per capita tax levied on all of Caliphornia’s non-Muslim subjects (a requital for not being killed) was unanimously passed by the state’s largely Democratic Senate as the only solution to balance the budget while ensuring that all unionized government employees get their fair share.

The few senators who objected were declared Islamophobes and taken into police custody in accordance with the previously passed hate-crime legislation.

The only objection to the Caliph’s new alcohol-banning fatwa came from Caliphornia’s resident Nick Nolte, who was promptly beheaded without as much as a mug shot. Major civil disobedience on part of Caliphornia’s prominent non-conformists has been avoided with assurances that marijuana will remain a legal substance. The government then proceeded to seize and convert all existing liquor to alternative fuels, bars to hookah lounges, and distilleries to heroin factories that will be processing poppies imported from Afghanistan.

A special Wymen’s Rights and Diversity Fatwa, endorsed and celebrated by the local chapter of N.O.W., will require all female residents of the state to wear the designated “garb of diversity” made of plain, non-patterned cloth that covers their wrists, ankles, necks, and hair. All non-diverse individuals of female sexual orientation will be apprehended and subjected to summary lashing and/or stoning as determined by the diversity officer from the Ministry for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice.

A number of previously transgendered individuals have already come out with statements renouncing their chosen female identities and demanding that the state pay for their sex-change operations that would bring back their manhood.

In conclusion of his short announcement, Caliph Jerry Brown stated, “Anyone who opposes me and my new autocratic rule shall be declared an enemy of democracy, tolerance, and diversity, and as such he or she shall be arrested on charges of Islamophobia and hate speech. Any objections? I didn’t think so.”

Caliph Brown then answered questions, mostly pertaining to increased waiting times in Caliphornia’s emergency hospitals due to a sudden surge of severed extremities, as well as multiple human heads littering streets and other public spaces, creating health and driving hazards, and raising questions about the effectiveness of local sanitation services.

“There are always unintended consequences, and you should all know by now that they really don’t matter,” responded the Caliph, removing his shoes and calling all present to join him in a public prayer for the victory of progress and end to Islamophobia.