President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order today making November 4, 2014 a National Day of Quarantine for those Americans who are most at risk of contracting the Ebola virus.
“You cannot get Ebola through casual contact like sitting next to someone on a bus,” the President said in a press conference shortly after signing the Executive Order. “However you can catch it while waiting in line to vote.”
The Executive Order only applies to registered Republicans who are currently less likely to be receiving government provided healthcare and are therefore more susceptible to catching Ebola.
The quarantine will go into effect at midnight on November 3rd and will last until the polls close on November 4th. Republicans will be allowed to move freely throughout society so long as they do not come with 1000 feet of a polling booth. Many government agencies have been well armed over the past six years and will be mobilized on election day to enforce the quarantine.
Before leaving for a relaxing round of golf, the President concluded his press conference by reassuring the American people that they will have a safe Election Day. “Although we have had our disagreements, I more than anyone want Republicans to survive. Perhaps not as a political party, but as the taxpayers of our great nation.”