WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an early morning press conference with handpicked MSNBC reporters, President Obama privately announced reaching a deal between the U.S. and the People’s Republic of China, which will allow the Chinese Special Operations, an elite military unit, to guard the interior vaults containing the gold in Fort Knox, the U.S. bullion depository.
“We as a nation owe China a whole lot of money,” stated the President, “and I’m glad we finally found an amicable way to resolve issues with Chinese leaders who no longer trust us with our money. Placing our gold reserve under Chinese supervision will benefit both our nations and I’m confident it will flower into a beautiful friendship, let alone improve our financial well-being.”
The deal was finalized shortly after 3:00 a.m. EST (3:00 p.m. Beijing time) because the Chinese President, Xi Jingping, refused to talk to Mr. Obama outside of his usual business hours.
President Obama dismissed as unfounded any rumors that the odd timing may have been an attempt to belittle America’s leader by making him stay up all night just so he can have Xi Jingping’s ear. “Such speculations serve no other purpose than to undermine our national security and to weaken our resolve,” said the U.S. President.
Fort Knox has the reputation of being the world’s most secure vault; it is guarded by the U.S. First Armored Division, as well as by a nearby Air Force base. In addition to being the depository for the gold belonging to the United States, Fort Knox has also been a symbol of America’s strength and impenetrability.
The changing of the guard will be marked with a private military ceremony as the People’s Republic of China will hoist its flag alongside the U.S. flag over Fort Knox for the first time during the sunrise of June 6th 2015. U.S. Forces will continue to guard the exterior of the building for cosmetic purposes only, as they will not be permitted inside the depository itself.
Concerned citizens need not worry about Chinese soldiers parading around the local area because the agreement will not allow China any liberties on U.S. soil until after Barack Obama leaves office, which includes building a small military base by China in an undisclosed U.S. location by the year 2020. Even then China was placed under harsh restrictions with regards to choosing a name for their base; after exhausting hours of negotiations it was decided to name it symbolically after the current U.S. President, Barack Obama.
A formal presidential announcement is expected shortly after the Chinese soldiers have gained complete control of the internal structure of Fort Knox. No other details have been given to the public.
Beijing seems to share President Obama’s optimistic assessment of the Fort Knox deal. The Chinese government newspaper, The People’s Daily, gave the new agreement a largely positive review, calling it “a great victory in the glorious people’s struggle against imperialist America – one of many to come.”
EDITORS NOTE: This column originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.