CNN is reporting that the Islamic State has captured Santa Claus. As Santa was flying over Iraq delivering Christmas gifts, the Islamic State, using a U.S. produced anti-aircraft missile, shot down Santa’s sleigh. Santa survived but was immediately captured by the Islamic State’s soldiers of Allah.
The Russian Minister of Defense Sergei Shoigu said, “We saw this happen in the Sinai with our commercial jet airliner. President Putin has ordered that we immediately begin a search and rescue operation using our Spetsnaz forces in Syria. Santa must be freed.”
The Islamic State News Network (ISNN) via Al Jazeera released the following statement:
Merry Christmas you infidels! We have captured your Santa Claus as required by the prophet Mohammed, may peace be upon him.
We demand that President Obama pay tribute to our fighters for his release. We also demand Obama release our Muslim brothers from Guantanamo.
We will trade Santa, as did our Taliban brothers in Afghanistan with Bowe Bergdahl, for the release of five of our beloved leaders being illegally held in Gitmo, the infidel prison in Cuba.
The children of Democrats across America have sent Tweets to the President. Examples include: #CloseGitmoFreeSanta, #FreeSantaGitmoMustGo, and #GitmoNoSantaYes.
First Lady Michelle Obama tweeted #BringBackOurSanta.
Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid released the following joint statement:
It is clear that American intolerance toward Muslims has led to this tragedy. If Santa would embrace the fight against climate change and turn in his sleigh and reindeer for a Telsa automobile, this would not have happened. What do we need snow for?
Santa is a white male who loves a white Christmas. We believe his bigoted, racist, and Islamophobic attitude has directly led to his capture.
However, in the name of those children who embrace our socialist, a present in every pot, ideals we call upon the President to immediately negotiate with the Islamic State for Santa’s release.
President Obama was not immediately available for comment as he is golfing in Hawaii but the White House Press Secretary issued a statement saying, “It’s all George W. Bush’s fault. This would have never happened if Bush had not invaded Iraq, creating ISIL. Now Santa is paying the price for this unlawful neo-con invasion.”
The White House released a statement saying that Santa must “convert to Islam or face the wrath of Allah. We are all Muslim. We will invite delegates from the Islamic State to the White House Christmas Party in a gesture of good will.”
Michael More noted, “I told you so. #WeAreAllMuslim. Even Santa.”
The Donald Trump campaign issued the following statement:
We cannot negotiate with terrorists.
It is time ban all Islamic State operatives in the United States from Christmas parties until they release Santa.
President Obama must stand up for all children, regardless of political affiliation. Santa shalonged by Obama.
The Republican National Campaign Committee noted that, “Santa is an establishment Republican because he wears a red suit. This is clearly an attack on the GOP establishment by the Islamic State because of Donald Trump’s intolerance toward Muslims.”
Hillary Clinton stated, “The Islamic State is using Donald Trump and Santa in videos to recruit fighters. Clearly, Trump and Santa are symbols of American decadence and wealth, charity and good will. All of which incites the global Muslim community. It’s the film stupid!”