It has become a People’s Cube tradition that in the last days of the outgoing year we post a list of things that didn’t happen that year, a list of things that won’t happen in the coming year, and sometimes a list of things that will, indeed, happen.See our lists for the years of 2012, 2013, and 2015.
Once again, special thanks to the most equal contributions from Will Beria, our Official Listmaster of Things that Didn’t Happen and Will Not Happen.
Top 15 things that didn’t happen in 2015:
- Santa Claus converts to Islam. “He’s keeping a list,” non-believers warned
- 12 year-old Tibetian self-identifies as 40 year-old American; enters Democratic presidential primaries
- Experts agree: agreeing to disagree is disagreeable to experts
- Psychiatrist recovers repressed national memory hole: “Jam-packed with campaign promises, doomsday predictions, New Year resolutions”
- Fed misses inflation target, shoots employment instead
- Cuba nationalizes sunlight, tourists charged for suntans
- Dictionary News: “government” replaced with “do-together-ment,” “after-tax income” becomes “allowance”
- Mime caught stealing air guitar serves 30 days in imaginary box
- Rat race ends in dead heat; sheeple chase begins
- High court rules college speech codes “double-plus-good,” dissenting opinion withheld
- “Zombie” decried as insulting to the undead: correct term is “the nearly departed”
- NASA adjusts records to show first man on moon was Bruce Jenner. Also named “first woman on moon”
- NEA takes over NCAA, awards 7,862 Heisman trophies
- Fed severs US dollar tie to reality; gold no longer worth its weight in gold
- UN Court of Cultural Appropriation: Africa wins “first human walking upright” case; Europeans ordered to live on knees.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.