The presidency had LBJ — now meet LBG. That’s another presidential aspirant, known to this writer as Little Big Gulp. You probably know him as ex-mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg.
Little Big Gulp is a very small man with a very big wallet and an even bigger ego, but who doesn’t like big sodas. He successfully pushed for a 2012 ban on pop larger than 16 ounces, applicable to most businesses, but which was overturned by the courts as “arbitrary and capricious.” It certainly was. Perhaps, as comedian-cum-commentator Dennis Miller put it, Little Big Gulp didn’t like Big Gulps because he had to look up at the rim. Whatever the case, LBG also has big ambitions: he’s now considering a third-party presidential run.
Because, you see, we live in an unprecedented political age. With Donald Trump running the tables on the GOP side and the Bolshevik Bern giving Bill Clinton’s 527th favorite woman heartburn, Little Big Gulp thinks his time may have come: he can give Americans that moderate, sane choice, is his thinking.
And what a choice Little Big Gulp would be. New York Values™ do exist, and if you want them, LBG has that trademark. As an Internet commenter put it Sunday (I’m paraphrasing), in what could be Comment of the Week, if you combined his words with NY governor Andrew Cuomo’s to create a campaign slogan, you’d have “You only need a 16-ounce soda to kill a deer!” Besides Little Big Gulp’s antipathy for large drinks, he’s staunchly pro-abortion, pro-faux marriage, pro-homosexual agenda, pro-amnesty and pro, pro, pro, pro, pro-gun control. But he’s not a pro at reading America outside the Big Apple, which, LBG may be surprised to learn, exists and does vote somewhat differently than Gotham.
Ego is a funny thing, though. Thousands of years ago we had pharaohs fancying themselves gods. Today we have scientists supposing they’re great philosophers or theologians (paging Richard Dawkins) and liberal billionaires who think big bank accounts equate to big ideas and big electoral chances. Of course, Little Big Gulp did buy the Big Apple mayorship, and it’s said he may drop one billion dollars on a presidential bid. But he’d do well to ponder that old commercial for a Wall Street brokerage house in which ex-NBA star Shaquille O’Neal clumsily tries performing ballet in a leotard. The voiceover goes “Just because you’re good at one thing doesn’t mean you’re good at everything.” Little Big Gulp knew how to make billions, there’s no denying. What some gifted people don’t grasp, however, generally owing to a lack of humility, is that they’re much like idiot savants. They’re as stupid in everything else as they’re stupendous in their bailiwick.
But, hey, LBG is a guy who actually said in 2014, “I am telling you if there is a God, when I get to Heaven I’m not stopping to be interviewed. I am heading straight in. I have earned my place in Heaven. It’s not even close.” Because, of course, God couldn’t possibly have a different standard for right and wrong than Little Big Gulp. And if there are a few minor areas of disagreement, I’m sure LBG will set the Lord straight.
Perhaps Little Big Gulp’s conception of Heaven, though, is a place just like NYC except without fat people, the need for LBG’s armed bodyguards, and with very, very, very small carbonated beverages. As for heaven on Earth, that’s been waiting for a Little Big Gulp presidency. And I’m sure Mr. and Mrs. Middle America — you know, those citizens who Obama said “cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them” — just can’t wait to elect a pro-abortion, pro-faux marriage, pro-homosexual agenda, pro-amnesty, pro-gun control, de facto atheist. Either that or he’ll draw a few votes away from the Democrat nominee as he makes Ralph Nader appear an electoral phenomenon and reality makes him feel about two-feet tall, which, it’s said, is about 50 percent less than his actual height.
But, by all means, share yourself and run, Little Big Gulp, run — your 32-ounce cup runneth over.
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