Study: College ‘More Worthwhile Than Spending 4 Years Chained To Radiator’ – Or Is It?

As high school graduates decide whether to get a job or go to college a new study by the National Education Association shows that college has its advantages over being chained to a radiator.

The study does not quantify how much of an advantage college is over being chained to a radiator.

The Onion reports:

WASHINGTON—A study published Wednesday by the National Education Association has determined that a four-year college education is still a better investment of one’s time and money than spending the same duration chained to a radiator in a dank, unlit basement.

“Compared to the intellectual stimulation and personal growth achieved in a university setting, there is less to be gained from 48 months in which one is tightly shackled about the ankle and connected by a short length of chain to a leaking, immovable cast-iron radiator,” read the report in part, which played down the high cost of student loans when contrasted with the psychological trauma and physical atrophy that typically accompany four years spent in the same 3-foot radius on a cracked concrete floor with only a pail of food scraps to subsist on.

“College can offer a multidisciplinary education and foster lifelong social connections, and it comes with the added benefit of providing students with a comfortable campus setting that contains actual restroom facilities. These are things one would not get while detained in the uninsulated basement of an abandoned warehouse.”

The study conceded, however, that those chained to radiators consistently outperformed college graduates on certain measures, such as screaming hallucinated demons into submission and inching along the floor on one’s stomach to drink fetid water from a puddle.

Are colleges chaining young men and women to a radiator named “collectivism”?

A new national poll of America’s 18- to 29-year-olds by Harvard’s Institute of Politics (IOP), located at the John F. Kennedy School of Government, found 42% of young Americans support capitalism, and 33% say they support socialism. A detailed report on the poll’s findings is available online.

Perhaps being chained to a radiator for four years is better than being chained to collectivism for a lifetime?

A Harvard student who asked to remain anonymous noted:

My parents paid over $59,000 a year in tuition for me to attend the Harvard School of Law. I plan upon graduating to seeking a position in a Bernie Sanders’ administration, should he be elected president.

As my hero Malcolm X said, “You show me a capitalist, and I’ll show you a bloodsucker.”

I’m no bloodsucker. It is my dream to be chained to the collectivist radiator as the only way to truly be free from capitalism.

Democrat Senator Elizabeth Warren captured the “collectivist radiator” ideology so well stating:

There is nobody in this country who got rich on their own. Nobody.

You built a factory out there – good for you. But I want to be clear. You moved your goods to market on roads the rest of us paid for. You hired workers the rest of us paid to educate. You were safe in your factory because of police forces and fire forces that the rest of us paid for. You didn’t have to worry that marauding bands would come and seize everything at your factory… Now look. You built a factory and it turned into something terrific or a great idea – God bless! Keep a hunk of it.

But part of the underlying social contract is you take a hunk of that and pay forward for the next kid who comes along.

Parents are deciding whether to send their son or daughter to college and have a one-in-three chance they become a socialist or keep them chained to a radiator in their home, a.k.a. home school or get them a job to be a plumber.

Maybe home schooling or the world of work are the answers to breaking the chains?

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire originally appeared in Plumbing Today magazine.

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