Breaking: Orlando shooter may have worked near Chick-fil-A

As law enforcement authorities begin to piece together evidence related to the Orlando shooting, a darker, more sinister image begins to emerge of the mass murderer. In a shocking testimony from his ex-wife, FBI investigators discovered that Omar Mateen had once worked near a Chick-fil-A, and may have visited the Creation Museum in Kentucky.

“He was fine with the gay lifestyle,” said his former wife. “In fact, he even joined Gays for Allah and became a leader in the movement with a promising future.” But all that was destined to change. Omar’s ex-wife continued, “One day he came home smelling like chicken, and something in his eyes told me that he was a different man. It was like just standing outside of a Chick-fil-A made you intoxicated with the fumes of intolerance spewing out of their cookers, and he said he couldn’t live this lifestyle any more. He claimed a being he called “Cathy” would visit him and tell him he must repudiate homosexuality. He seemed confused because he thought Cathy was a man. It was then he disappeared for a week.”

Not knowing of his whereabouts during the time of his absence, Omar’s ex-wife said that wherever he had been, he came back more extreme than ever. “I was watching Bill Nye the Science Guy with my children when Omar returned. He stood still for a moment with clenched teeth and fists, and then he darted into the bedroom. Before we knew what was happening, he returned to the living room with an assault rifle and emptied a magazine into the television set. All the while he was shouting, ‘The Ham forbids it!’ It wasn’t until a friend told me about the Bill Nye – Ken Ham debate that I realized where he had been. I was chilled. It was then I knew I had to leave before he poisoned the children with Christian doctrine and creationism.”

FBI director, James Comey, said the latest information made everything clear. “We had nothing to go on except Omar’s Muslim background, previous investigations for associating with known jihadists, claiming links with Islamic terror organizations, and his allegiance to ISIS, so we were understandably confused about his motives. Our protocol rules out Islamic terrorism, so we were certain that Islam had nothing to do with it. But once we found out he had been exposed to Christian radicalism, we knew we had found the missing piece of the puzzle. It all made sense after that, and there was this facepalm moment when we all said, ‘Of course!'”

ACLU lawyers were quicker to pinpoint the source of Omar’s hate in radical Christianity. Numerous tweets showed not only a deep understanding and expertise in Christian doctrine, but also made an ironclad connection between Christian teachings and how they inspire mass murder. “Gosh,” said an awestruck Comey, “how did they see it so fast?”

It is, of course, a matter of historical record that Islam is the religion of peace, tolerance, science, and women’s rights. Had Omar been a Muslim, such a tragedy would never have happened. To believe otherwise is to be guilty of Islamophobia, a hateful ideology the adherents of which must be stoned to death.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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