New scandal! Trump is heterosexual


Some previous remarks by Donald Trump have been analysed by psychology experts and the results are quite unexpected: his thought patterns have been declared “typically heterosexual”.

Some of you will not know this term, because – as good progressives – we are either homosexual, transsexual, intersexual, bisexual, asexual or veganosexual. “Heterosexual” means actually feeling attracted to the other sex, often with reproduction as a final result.

John Dick, the professor of historical feminist dance therapy at Saddam Hussein University (previously known as “Harvard” before the Royall-purge), explains that

“… this so called “heterosexuality” has in fact been with us since the dawn of man. It used to be quite normal for men to behave in this way, something we can barely imagine today.

It has been postulated that some ancient and extinct civilizations – like for example, the so called Western Civilisation – used this aberrant behaviour to keep their population at a certain level, instead of just replacing their older members by Syrian refugees as we do now.”

The American Feminist League (known for promoting modest clothing, suppressing sexual desires and the traditional female roles, such as child nurturing and housekeeping) has expressed concerns.

“Clearly, anyone with these unnatural “heterosexual” ideas is disqualified in the race for the White House. Before long, women will start flirting with these grotesque “hetero’s” instead of devoting their lives to productive labour for the Party. We ask our Empress, Her Highness Hillary the first, to devote more state resources in the fight against this disease.”

In response to this, the Anti Sex Department (a subdivision of the State Department) has asked the public to keep an eye out for any persons with aberrant “heterosexual” behaviour. It could be anyone – a neighbor, a friend or even a person living in your own house.

Report them to the State Department (aka the Clinton Foundation) so they can be rounded up and sent in for treatment.

Yours in concern,

Comrade Minitrue

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Minitrue originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

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