JetBlue to offer SafeSeating™ for traumatized voters

Are you a Hillary supporter who still suffers from anger, depression, and seething hatred of all things conservative? Do you regard the simple appearance of an old Reagan/Bush t-shirt as hate speech that makes you physically ill? Are you fearful that you might even have to share a flight with a conservative, a fascist, a KKK grand wizard, an SS obergruppenführer, or a member of the Trump family?

Well, your worries are over! After the appalling incident in which Ivanka Trump dared to book a flight just so she could flaunt her father’s victory in the faces of traumatized Hillary supporters, JetBlue has taken steps to ensure this never happens again.

That’s right. JetBlue now offers SafeSeating™ with complimentary Play-Doh™, stuffed animals, virtual reality goggles, and colored pencils. Passengers who fly in the SafeSeating™ class will be partitioned off from other potentially hateful passengers with opaque curtains colorfully decorated with unicorns, rainbows, and Hillary in “Rosie the Riveter” regalia.

The virtual reality goggles will provide a panoramic view of Hillary being sworn in as America’s 45th president, just like she should have been all along. Relaxing images of Russia being obliterated in a nuclear holocaust as due punishment for hacking the election are available at the flip of a switch. For Sanders supporters, an endless loop of videos comparing America unfavorably with European countries is right at your fingertips.

But wait! There’s more! Each person flying SafeSeating™ will be escorted individually to and from their seat by a caring, sensitive staff member equipped with a box of Kleenex™ who’s ready to give hugs or just a reassuring pat on the hand and a warm smile whenever needed.

Now we all know that “haters gonna hate”, but that’s no reason why you should have to share your personal space with deplorable individuals. With our first on last off boarding policy for those flying SafeSeating™, you’ll never notice that such unsettling and hateful people are even on board. So sit back, enjoy the flight, and relax knowing that you’ll spend the entire flight free from the rude intrusions of reality.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.

0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *