Densest Element yet Known to Science Discovered

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. The chemical symbol of Pelosium is Pu. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark particles called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates MSNBCobnoxium and CNNadnausium, both elements that radiate orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since they have half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.

Since it has no electrons, Pelosium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Pelosium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. In the presense of anti-morons, Pelosium can be extremely corrosive. Botox seems to distort and smooth it’s surface, without impeding it’s ongoing decay.

Pelosium has a normal half-life of approximately two years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a transmutation, appearing in a new location but displaying the same properties. In this process, assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each transmutation.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Pelosium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, universities, and anywhere there is news coverage occurring. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Pelosium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

EDITORS NOTE: This fake news political satire was sent to us by a friend and is making the rounds on social media. This column was originally published in the unscientific journal Unbelievable Science: Politics and Global Warming.

3 replies
  1. Mr Darrell
    Mr Darrell says:

    A major research laboratory has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element joins the list of elements on the periodic table and has been named, “Pelosium”.
    Pelosium has a nucleolus of 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. The particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of leap on-like erroneous particles called peons, dubbed ‘voters’.

    Not to be confused with Plutonium (pu) the new symbol for Pelosium is “PU”. The ‘Capitol’ letters denotes its origin. Pelosium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of “isodopes”. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain massed quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is then referred to as “critical moronicdom”. When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates other dangerous elements known as ABC CBS NBC MSNBC and CNN! “Affiliate elements” then radiates more orders of magnitude resulting in more irrational energy as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons in the Pelosium.

    Scientists point out that Pelosium is known to be extremely toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any and ALL productive reactions wherever it is allowed to accumulate.

    Reply

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