CIA hires United Airlines to forcibly remove Assad and Kim Jong-un

There have been two recent events widely reported in the media of an Asian looking man and a married couple removed by United Airlines “employees.”

But were these employees actually working for United Airlines?

An unnamed source, close to CNN, believes that these two incidents were actually covert training exercises. The employees were CIA operatives wearing United Airlines uniforms. The training was authorized to test techniques to forcibly remove those high value individuals targeted by the agency. Currently, the top CIA targets, aside from President Trump, are Kim Jong-un, an Asian,  Bashar al-Assad, the Syrian president, and his wife Asma.

The unnamed CNN source noted, “Doesn’t is seem peculiar that these two incidents happened as the Trump administration is taking military action against North Korea and Syria? What else does one need to connect-the-dots? This is the mother of all bummers!”

us security cartoonThe CIA was contacted to determine if these incidents were covert training operations. A spokesman for the agency stated,

We do not comment on ongoing operations. However, you can expect us to leak more information about President Trump and unmask his closest friends and family members, including his son Barron’s nine-week-old adopted puppy named Patton.

After all we must all fly united!

Sean Spicer was asked at a White House press briefing by an unnamed CNN reporter, “When will the President release his income tax records? Does the President own any United Airlines stock?” Spicer responded, “The President does not fly United. Rather he uses Air Force One for all of his trips to Mar-a-Lago.”

It is rumored that Wikileaks will be releasing damning emails from Hillary Clinton’s secret server between the former Democratic candidate and Jeff Smisek, President and CEO of United Airlines.

According to unnamed CNN, ABC and MSNBC sources Smisek offered Mrs. Clinton the position of public relations director for the airlines. Smisek notes, “Hillary is a master at passing the blame.”

A spokesperson, who is actually a woman, replied, “Mrs. Clinton, while out of the woods, has her hands full planning her 2020 presidential campaign.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire first appeared in Flying United magazine.

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