Experts: Government Shutdown May Have Caused Human Combustion

In one of the most controversial and destructive acts of his presidency, Donald Trump, the worst Republican president since Hitler, shut down the government! This is bad news for all Americans according to several government agencies.

Senior accountant of the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office, Fred “Nonpartisan” Phelps, says the shutdown may cost the average American family up to $85,000 per day. “Women and minorities would be hardest hit,” said Phelps coining a new phrase.

Citizens may not be able to access data from the Bureau of Transportation Statistics. Over the next month, children will be asking, “Mommy, what’s a transportation statistic?” The impact this will have on our children, our future, is simply unacceptable and entirely avoidable.

Furthermore, if no deal is reached, funding will be halted for the Department for the Prevention of Spontaneous Human Combustion causing them to shut down their hotline, a service otherwise accessible to millions of Americans. Estimates show that over 1,475,286.04 preventable spontaneous combustions will take place every minute past midnight for as long as Trump refuses to see reason and negotiate.

Worse yet, millions of necessary government employees will have to go without work wondering when they will be compensated for what essentially amounts to a paid vacation.

“The stress is killing me,” said Claude McElroy of the Agency of Banjo String Quality Assurance. “If I’d known Trump was gonna do this, I’da planned for a fishin’ trip. Instead, all I can do is stay at home an’ watch YouTube videos all day like I do at work. I’m madder ‘n a wet hen, and I feel like I could blow up any minute now. Course, there ain’t nothin’ I can do ’bout it since Trump come around and personally cut my phone line. Now I can’t call that spontaneous combustion hotline and git the help I need. The Mrs. is already crying her eyes out, and that Trump don’t care!”

Completely unmoved by the suffering he’s inflicted on middle class Americans, sources close to the president say that he spent the afternoon with Ivanka checking out a new top hat to go with his obscenely expensive pinstripe tuxedo. Anonymous sources claim that Trump, while inserting a monocle into his right eye to inspect his new hat, simply told reporters, “I can’t be bothered with that.”

RELATED VIDEO: A Musical Parody Of Overly Dramatic Democrats!

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov  originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.

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