Plutocrats of the world, unite!

Google! Facebook! Twitter! The biggest names in big business corporate hegemonic rule.

My fellow plutocrats, we have arrived. It’s a beautiful thing. We oozed out of the slime and muck and furtively fed our bellies in the safety of shadows. Now, like a monster octopus, we spread our arms over the world and squeeze. And squeeze. And squeeze some more. What can be more pleasurable than squeezing the whole wide world!

Our secret world government, the 3rd Capitalist Cabal Internationale, has reported that thanks to big business corporate hegemonic GoogleFacebookTwitter rule we, the rightful rulers of the world, the fat cats of capital, the sharks of society, the plutocrats Marx and Engels warned about, have finally taken back the superstructure of the State from the workers!

It wasn’t easy. The righteous workers and their keen, ever-vigilant eyes followed our movements at every twist and turn. But we got the slip on them by stealing from the workers whole new means of production and distribution: the Internet. And then we turned it on them. We got them addicted to it. Our evil plans to hook the workers on social media worked! It worked! It worked!

The workers and peasants are so hooked, so deep in our manufactured false consciousness, that they beg us for more! Our “evil big business diabolically corporate hegemonic takeover of the world and rule with an iron-fist-over-the-Internet” simple business plan has finally worked! The workers are thoroughly corrupted.

Who would have ever thought that the benighted Left would ever side with big business corporate hegemonic worldwide ruling over decisions about who can say what? In fact, they even send us petitions begging the big bad corporations to be bigger and meaner and to impose more of their corporate dictate on everybody.

They turn to the big bad corporations to do what we big bad corporations have brain-washed them to believe in the first place: kill freedom! Down with civil rights! Stop freedom now because it’s dangerous!

Everything we told them, they repeat back like an echo, as a plea for us to enslave the people even more.

Talk about false consciousness. Can you believe it, my fellow enemies of the people? Was I not right? Did the master business plan of world domination not work?

Whatever happened to Net Neutrality, so big bad companies wouldn’t be able “to control what we do and watch online”?

Rub your hands and smack your lips, babies. It’s chow time.

We have arrived and the Left is cheering us on. World domination is so fun that it’s a good thing there are limits to it. Oh, wait! There are no limits to it. There is no limiting principle to the long dark night of our rule.

Shareholders are happy and profits are waaaay up. Ruining people’s lives by sucking the very blood out of the workers and peasants through horrible shattering addiction to social media crapola, so we can enjoy living in idle luxury like golden gods crushing the little people like flies just for sport has never been so satisfying.

Who shall we crush next?

$.$. “Ka-Ching” Halliburton is a well-known dark-spirited reactionary neoconservative with a shady pharmaceutical past, tarnished by a personal friendship with Rush Limbaugh himself. Though his Neanderthal opinions may be a direct opposite from our enlightened views, Mr. Halliburton is a proud addition to our editorial staff, a symbol of The People’s Cube commitment to intellectual diversity. See his column here.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by $.$. Halliburton originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. 

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