Miss America without swimsuits! Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Anthony Weiner & Harvey Weinstein respond. [Video]

PHOTO: Gretchen Carlson appears on Good Morning America, June 5, 2018.

Gretchen Carlson, chair of the Miss America Organization Board of Trustees,  announced there will be no more swimsuit competition. Ms. Carlson said, “We are no longer a pageant; we are a competition. We will no longer judge our candidates on their outward physical appearance!”

Ms. Carlson pointed to “evolving in this cultural revolution” for the decision.

We decided to ask a select group of men about this “cultural revolution” shift.

Bill Clinton during his #MeToo book tour noted,

I believe that the Miss America Board of Trustees should consider a blue dress competition. This will allow the judges to not focus on physical appearance, no offense Monica, but rather on the content of their contestants’ characters, no offense to MLK. I have sent a box of premium Cuban cigars to Ms. Carlson.

Well done!

Bill Cosby, formerly known as America’s father, in a brief statement from his lawyer said,

Father’s across America and the world thank Gretchen for covering up our women. I have since converted to Islam and as a Muslim believe that the Miss America Board should consider a “burka competition.” Only then can the pageant truly become a competition. Only then will women be judged not by their appearance but by their submission to Allah, no pun intended.

Anthony Weiner tweeted the picture below to Ms. Carlson stating, “I was unfairly judged by my outward physical appearance. I commend Gretchen for starting a ‘new cultural revolution’ where men are not judged by their selfies to underage girls! #SelfieOn!”

Harvey Weinstein in a brief press release said,

I, like Bill Clinton, am a victim. I never judged women based upon mere outward appearance when on the casting couch for my films.

Just look at my film “Teaching Mrs. Tingle” as an example. Its a film about a hardworking and bright high-school senior, Leigh Ann (Katie Holmes) who has her impending status as valedictorian jeopardized when her bitter history teacher, Mrs. Tingle (Helen Mirren), gives her a poor grade on a project.

Obviously I admire mind over physical experience [sic]!

I fully believe that I will be vindicated and upon my release I will be asked to be a judge at the 2020, or maybe the 2070, Miss America pageant?

Wendy’s has re-released the below ad in the spirit of “competition”:

A Wendy’s spokesperson, a gender and physical appearance neutral term, noted, “We are proud to announce that we will be a Russian ruble sponsor for the 2019 Miss America Competition taking place on Sunday, September 9, 2018 at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City. Our motto will be ‘where’s the beef?’, no pun intended.”

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column has been submitted to Sports Illustrated for placement in its next “swimsuit edition.”

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