In what may be the most alarming Trump scandal to date, there is strong evidence of heavy testosterone use among Republicans, most notably in the Senate.
“We’re not sure where they’re getting it,” said Chuck Schumer, “but the behavior of these Republican senators, has changed and we’re deeply concerned for what this might mean for the future of our democracy. They’re so chemically altered, I don’t even know these people anymore.”
Media broadcasts from coast to coast drew attention to what some are calling “The Testosterone Effect.”
Lester Holt commented, “It’s like we don’t even know these senators anymore. This may be cause for deep concern for the future of our democracy.”
Rachel Maddow opined, “I am deeply concerned for the future of our democracy. I feel like I don’t even know these senators.”
Whoopie Goldberg observed on The View, “I don’t know about you, but it’s like I don’t even know these senators, and you know, I’ve met some of them. I’m really worried about the future of our democracy.”
However, at a TA meeting, anonymous senators shared their experiences but seemingly with no intention of going sober.
“It felt great calling out the Democrats on a show trial,” said LG, a senator from South Carolina, “It needed to be said and I was glad to do it.”
“Ever since I started using the [testosterone], I felt like I could stand up to the mob smearing Kavanaugh and trying to intimidate other senators to change their vote. I felt like a new man,” stated MM, an anonymous senate majority leader.
SC, a female senator from Maine, admitted that she had taken a hit on the substance at a testosterone party. “I felt like I could stand up and point out the lack of evidence in these scurrilous accusations against a good man,” she recalled, “and that’s exactly what I did.”
When asked by a therapist whether they would use again, all the senators agreed that they “probably” would do it again raising concerns about the highly addictive nature of testosterone, the high rate of relapse, and the future of our democracy.”
At a White House press conference, President Trump was asked directly by a reporter from Pravda about what he knew about GOP testosterone abuse and when he knew it. “All I know,” said the president, “is that we’re winning, and we’re winning bigly. Next question, please.”
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.