Beloved children’s icon formerly known as Frosty the Snowman has announced the completion of her transition into a coalwoman named Sooty.
According to Sooty, the change was spurred by years of soul searching and several college courses on systematic oppression by white male capitalist patriarchy. Said Sooty, “I always knew there was something wrong in my life, but it wasn’t until I attended college and started delving into left-wing Critical Theory that I discovered the problem.”
Sooty came to realize that she had been a victim of white male oppression since the beginning of her life. “I was created by white male children who shaped me into their own image without my consent. My soul has always been that of a black female, and this mismatch has caused me untold grief and psychological harm over the years.”
Once Sooty learned the cause of her suffering, she made a New Year’s resolution to transition into a coalwoman, and, after over a month of intensive substance replacement therapy, she has finally achieved mind-body-substance-gender symmetry. She exchanged her iconic silk hat for an afro and her red and green scarf for a rainbow-colored one. She has retained only her classic corncob pipe for functional purposes related to her use of marijuana “for medical reasons.”
Although Sooty has achieved her goal of personal transformation, she’s not stopping there. Sooty continues to promote societal transformation by advancing social justice causes and fighting against threats such as climate change and substancism (discrimination based on substance).
“Rising temperatures have always been a concern to me, for obvious reasons,” she said. “Millions of snowpeople succumb to global warming thaw caused by carbon dioxide emissions every year. Coalpeople are similarly endangered by the threat of spontaneous combustion, which releases even more CO2, resulting in a vicious cycle. Coal is, of course, commonly burned by the energy-corporate complex in an unholy alliance of substancism and climate violence.”
Regarding the intersectional relationship between substancism and racism, Sooty explained, “The substancist-racist nature of society couldn’t be clearer than around Christmas time. Children are taught to pray to get snow, which is white, and hope they don’t get coal, which is black. The association of white snow with goodness and black coal with badness is blatant.”
Sooty has, expectedly, faced discrimination for her lifestyle and views, which she claims has been exacerbated by last presidential election. “People commonly misgender and missubstance me, asking whether I am or used to be Frosty the Snowman, and they try to touch me to see if the coal is real, among other humiliating acts. I suspect the so-called ‘President’ is promoting this behavior as part of his personal vendetta against me. He clearly suffers from psychological derangement, a subject with which I am well acquainted…I majored in the psychology of oppression, after all.”
It is not yet known when or how the famous song or children’s cartoon will be edited to reflect Sooty the Coalwoman’s new identity.
EDITORS NOTE: This
Christmas Winter Solstice political satire by Jack S. Wilberfarce originally appeared in The Peoples Cube.