With so many important races being so close and every vote needing to be counted (and some countered) it’s absolutely imperative that you start looking for those missing ballots that always show up after the polls close.
First, check the trunk of your car, your attic, your neighbor’s mailbox, or anyplace else you might have absentmindedly deposited a large number of ballots.
Second, sort through all your missing ballots and weed out any that might have chosen a Republican candidate. This isn’t “voter fraud,” this is just making sure that every valid vote is properly counted, and all Republican votes are automatically invalid. You’ll be saving time during the recount and preventing the confusion that comes with too many choices.
Third, shout that all votes must be counted, especially yours. America is a democracy, so naturally the Democrat Party must win. If some fossil comes up and tells you America is a Republic, just apply pepper spray and push him off a bridge. Such intolerance must be stamped out decisively.
Fourth, if your truly patriotic efforts fail to turn the election, accuse the Republican candidate of voter suppression, colluding with Russia, stealing the election, and personally assaulting you even though you struggle with recalling specific details. You deserve to be heard!
So get on it, comrades! Act as if your ration booklet depended on it.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.