Capitol Hill — Majority leader House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and minority capo Senator Chuck Schumer announced that Thanksgiving Day shall be cancelled immediately. Schumer said it is a bourgeois invention not befitting a future, socialist America that was first discovered not by Columbus, but by a visionary progenitor of Karl Marx who wanted social justice and equality between Americans who were native to the Mongolian plains, and Americans who were native to Brooklyn and Cleveland.
Pelosi added, that besides the unfairness between the wealthy, producing nations, and the Third World that never produced anything but children and dependency, is the inequality between turkey and man.
“The murder of turkeys has to end,” she said, winking at the representative from Planned Parenthood, “and so does Thanksgiving which is un-American.”
Senator Schumer informed us that the entire Democrat congress, meaning all Democrats in the Senate and House, with the few Democrat governors left, liberal justices Ginsburg, Sotormayor and Kagan, and the Democrats of Kenya and Somalia, intend to run for Presidents of the United States in a collective bid to oust Donald Trump who is not their president. Schumer added that all other Republicans across America, all 120 million of them, should be silenced or expelled because their opinions are deplorable.
The Democrats plan to rule collectively and make all decisions collectively, because, Pelosi informed the cheering reporters gathered in the Rotunda, “mob rule is Democratic.”
In the interest of the collective, meaning our special interest groups composed of ghetto thugs, sexual misfits, undocumented Democrats and America haters, CAIR and Minister Farakhan, angry lesbians and clueless millenials on campus,” said Adam Schiff, holding a sealed envelope in his hands that he said contains the evidence of Trump-Russia Collusion and Conspiracy with an authentic vial of urine collected at a Moscow hotel room, “we will MoveOn dot Org FORWARD! toward America’s glorious future.”
This forward-thinking will, he said, “start with the American nation’s new name: Honduras.”
Mr. Schiff disclosed that House Democrats will collectively produce the next Five Year Plan. And the Five Year Plans after that. These five year plans will enforce the incarceration of thought criminals. For example people who voted for Donald Trump. Also those involved in financial crime: producers, inventors, and innovators other than Google, Facebook, Apple, Twitter and Snapchat. “In other words,” said Schiff, “those businesses and wealthy people not one of ours.”
He assured the gathered reporters wearing Hillary 08 campaign buttons that the deal can be executed in at least fifteen years, give or take twenty, or a century at the worst.
Congressman Schiff said these are the same Five Year Plans that worked so splendidly for the former Soviet Union, Cuba and Venezuela, all of whom disarmed their citizens, with only a few million dead who resisted. We will guarantee free everything for everyone. Among the beneficiaries cited are the citizens of Kenya who have managed to get genuine computer-printed birth certificates from Hawaii, and American workers who will finally get what they’ve been demanding since Donald Trump stole the election from Hillary Clinton: a tax increase.
The tax increase will happen as soon as the Democrat congress has been seated in January. “Having less money, smaller housing, a rusted out car, no food on the table, and lowered expectations for a better future,” said Schumer, thinking of Barack Obama after the nuke deal with Iran, “is a good deal for America.”
Mr. Schiff said that a tax increase for everyone not yet on food stamps will be mandatory. It is necessary for an America that intends to reverse the un-American prosperity from the Trump years. It is necessary to regain the momentum of the Good Old Days of Obama when food stamp printing, which provided jobs for Federal employees who voted only Democrat, reached an apex.
Pelosi, Schumer, Schiff and the rest of the House and Senate Democrats, including the Congressional Black Caucus, handed out newly minted campaign buttons picturing each member’s faces. “For Presidents 2020” was imprinted on them.
On her way out Pelosi turned and suggested that a Hillary-type pantsuit that Chairman Mao designed can be covered neck to ankle with these “beautiful” buttons, and every Democrat should buy and wear these pantsuits proudly until the House can pass a bill making the wearing of pantsuits mandatory for Republicans who want to stay alive.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Kommissar Chernobylski originally appeared on The Peoples Cube.