Mandatory Social Issues Literacy Quiz for Millennials

Are you an outraged millennial? Are you outraged about the right things? Are you expressing your unique and personal convictions according to acceptable protocol?

This quiz will help you discover if you’re qualified to speak out on public policy or if you’re in need of the free reeducation resources and free meals made possible through public education.

Ready? Let’s go!

If airplanes and box cutters are used to commit mass murder, independent thinkers like you will blame __.

a) George W. Bush (he was the worst president we’ve ever had before Trump)
b) America
c) Islamophobia
d) Jihadists

If bombs are detonated at a Boston Marathon, sensitive and passionate people like you will blame __.

a) Department stores that flaunt their wealth in the face of vulnerable Chechen immigrants
b) Competitive sporting events that distinguish between “winners” and “losers”
c) Prager University
d) Jihadists

If a truck is used to run over people at a Christmas event in Germany, thoughtful and reflective young people like you will blame __.

a) Offensive displays of Christian themed holidays
b) Trucks
c) Europeans who want to protect their borders
d) Jihadists

If a firearm is used in a mass murder event, young, articulate, far-seeing social justice warriors like you will blame __.

a) Guns
b) Firearms
c) Assault rifles with black things on them
d) The guiltless party who was driven by the NRA to commit acts of senseless murder

How did you do? Did you answer either a, b, or c to all of the above questions? Great! That means you’re thinking laudable, appropriate, and correct thoughts. You think for yourself, and you won’t rest until you demand that somebody else do something to make you feel good. Treat yourself to a well deserved Tide pod.

Wait a minute, did you answer d to any of the above questions? Then you’re not thinking for yourself like everybody else, and you need reeducation to help you independently arrive at acceptable opinions. Report yourself immediately to the nearest Karl Marx Treatment Center.

If you’re not sure you have the courage to admit yourself, don’t worry, your public school principal will. Your principal cares, and that’s why you can’t spell principal without pal. It may be a little scary at first, but in the end you’ll be a better, well adjusted, free thinking progressive like all your correct thinking peers.

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. The featured photo is by ShareGrid on Unsplash.

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