According to a story by our reliable subsidiary, the Babylon Bee, former FBI director Robert Mueller ordered that Trump be weighed against a duck to determine whether the sitting president is a witch.
Because of the clearly established pattern of Russian collusion, Mueller stated that Trump may actually be an incarnation of Baba Yaga. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we find out he eats children,” said Mueller.
Mueller’s controversial comment has ignited a political firestorm. Indignant members of New York’s state legislature, feeling their reputations were impugned by association with Trump, wanted to make clear that they, and not Trump, are the real consumers of infants.
Unfazed, Mueller finally broke the most damning testimony yet proving Trump’s culpability regarding Russian interference in the 2016 election: “He turned me into a newt!”
A somewhat startled Christiane Amanpour blurted, “A newt!?” Appearing momentarily befuddled, Mueller seemed to recover himself and offer a rational explanation: “Well, I got better,” he said to satisfied nods among the press corps.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was deeply concerned by revelations of Trump’s magical powers. “If he has power to turn good men like Mueller into a newt, he may have power to cast spells and confuse members of our party. No wonder Maxine thought Russia had invaded Korea. It was Trump! Impeachment is definitely back on the, er, table, and we’re not ruling out military options.”
Trump, of course, denies the allegations tweeting that any speculation about him turning anybody into a newt was, in his words, “fake news.”
From Comrade Red Square:
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov originally appeared on The Peoples Cube. It is hilariously republished with permission.