I haven’t seen so much delusional zealotry since, well, the first installment of the second Democratic debate the previous night.
The second installment began with the same conspicuous patriotism and anthem-singing. Only this time, instead of a choir of stray cats, the singer was a completely bald woman in monstrous sunglasses, which aptly foreshadowed the freak show about to unfold. Dee Dee Bridgewater was listed as a jazz singer, but her style was neither jazzy nor classy. It was rather an “I got drunk at a karaoke bar and totally forgot I can’t sing” kind of style.
It seemed that after 60 years of the Democratic one-party rule, the once booming city of Motown had lost not only half of its population and industries, but also all of its legendary performers. And the powerful people on that stage were itching to do the same to the rest of America, only faster.
In his opening statement, Bill de Blasio expressed everyone’s feelings when he directly addressed the unwashed workers and peasants of America and called for a socialist revolution. Like Lenin and Stalin before him, de Blasio goes by a made-up name. His real name is Warren Wilhelm Jr. It seems that his father, Warren Wilhelm, didn’t like his son very much and named him Warren Wilhelm as well. The resulting self-hatred and possibly the Oedipus complex must have brought forth an obsession with revolutionary changes, including the changing of his own name, which he has done not once but twice.
The compulsive-insurgent pro-establishment mayor was followed by two tedious and fully interchangeable contenders who looked like Tweedledum and Tweedledee. One of them was Sen. Michael Bennet of Colorado, who seemed to be a foremost beneficiary of his state’s new marijuana law and at the time was probably thinking of Doritos. The other one was Jay Inslee, the governor of Washington State, who occasionally droned in a monotone voice, “the house is on fire,” which always put everyone else to sleep.
If the Bolshevik Bill de Blasio sounded like a time traveler from 1917, businessman Andrew Yang seemed to be a transplant from the year 3000, when humanity will have reached fabulous prosperity due to technological progress and total robotization. He offered to pay everyone a thousand dollars a month out of the money he would be regularly beaming from the future, and promised that if people voted for him now, they would never have to work again, and probably never vote again either.
Julian Castro, mixing English and Spanish words, condemned foreign interference in our elections and suggested that to eliminate voter fraud, all future U.S. elections should be held in Mexico and the federal government be moved from Washington to Tijuana.
Tulsi Gabbard, a military combat veteran, turned her opening statement into a battle against a contingent of straw men, whom she successfully defeated, put against the wall, and shot them in the back of the head execution-style.
Cory Booker’s opening statement was interrupted by unintelligible screaming. It was later widely reported that the hecklers shouted, “Fire Pantaleo,” demanding the head of a New York cop implicated in the death of Eric “I can’t breathe” Garner. It appears that some leftist agitators had come all the way from New York to heckle the leftist agitator de Blasio, but got him confused with the leftist agitator Cory Booker. That is a common problem with Non-Playing Characters (NCPs) who all look alike.
Kamala Harris agitated for finishing off our already injured healthcare system. The others agreed with her view that Barack Obama had taken the American healthcare hostage and tortured it to near death, and that it was a mistake to keep it breathing for so long, and now it had to be put out of its misery. The disagreements were largely about the methods of execution: lethal injection, beheading, or guillotine. The Democrats in the audience clapped approvingly, although many probably wondered, “Who do I have to sleep with in order to get Kamala’s health insurance plan?”
Another hot topic was NAFTA and other bad trade deals, with everyone blaming Trump for not reforming the international trade fast enough, even though they should have thanked Trump for exposing the problem and thus giving them something to talk about.
Cory Booker’s answer to every question was, “it doesn’t matter what you do, it matters how you do it.” When no one was looking, he took out his phone and tweeted: “To the folks who were standing up to Mayor de Blasio a few minutes ago – good for you. That’s how change is made. #DemDebate.”
All the participants described America as such a hellhole that if they were to hold this debate on the southern border, the arriving migrant caravans would have run back home in terror, putting an end to illegal border crossings.
The white woman Kirsten Gillibrand was at some point caught off guard by a moderator’s question. There was an awkward pause as her beautiful blue eyes pleaded to leave her alone, as if saying, “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention, I was thinking about my gorgeous blonde hair and pink shoes to match my white woman’s coral dress.” She knows that no matter how much she condemns white privilege in principle, she can’t shed her pasty skin and must yield to the most intersectionally-endowed Kamala Harris, who is a woman, a person of color, and a cold-blooded scaled predator.
Donald Trump, once again, maintained his invisible presence and hovered over the stage, messing with everyone’s heads. Kamala Harris was talking about him when she screamed a familiar phrase, “He betrayed this country!!!” If she continues to channel Al Gore, I can predict that she will likely become the Democratic nominee, lose the 2020 election, grow a beard, and live the rest of her life as a sore loser.
Kamala’s other quote was, “Donald Trump has predatory nature and predatory instincts… And predators are cowards.” Without blinking, Tulsi Gabbard reminded everyone that Kamala Harris was herself a confirmed predatory prosecutor who withheld exculpatory evidence and sent innocents to prison for the sake of good-looking statistics.
This was Tulsi’s moment of glory as she proved to the world that her killer instinct was bigger than Kamala’s killer instinct. All the highbrow commentary aside, this attack was a calculated move by a woman who realized that in the current identity politics system, a woman must kill other women to win the jackpot. Thus, Tulsi’s immediate goal was to annihilate Kamala and occupy that intersectional niche from which she can rule over men. Kamala Harris, who in the past championed identity politics and benefited from it, shouldn’t complain: you’ve made your bed, now lie in it.
Harris was so stunned by this blitzkrieg that she missed a golden opportunity to accuse her foe of Islamophobia and to claim that Tulsi had enlisted after 9/11 because she was itching to kick some peaceful Muslims in the pants. Perhaps she will still bring it up in future debates or spread it around as rumors, the same way her surrogates have now begun to insinuate that Tulsi is a Russian agent who is angling to run as an independent in order to split the Democratic vote and ensure Trump’s second term.
I could go on, but I’ve already taken enough of your time from your assigned duties in the vast right-wing conspiracy. After all, my goal is not as much to restate what happened, as to share the deliciously gratifying experience of watching high-ranking Democrats engage in man-on-man catfights or bludgeon each other’s heads with the same manipulative propaganda they usually reserve for us.
EDITORS NOTE: This Peoples Cube political satire column by Red Square is republished with permission. All rights reserved.