Biden To Defy CDC Warning To Stop Touching Other People’s Faces

U.S.—As Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is constantly in crowds, health officials are greatly concerned that he will catch the coronavirus — which would be especially bad for him as he’s very, very old. Despite these concerns, Biden just can’t follow one of the CDC’s main recommendations to avoid catching the disease: Stop putting your hands all over other people’s faces.

“It’s just so hard,” Biden told the press. “I keep thinking to myself, ‘Don’t touch people’s faces. Don’t touch people’s faces.’ But the next thing I know, there are my hands rubbing all over some person I just walked into.”

Staffers have tried a number of methods to help train Biden to stop the behavior, such as spraying him in the face with water whenever he starts touching someone. Nothing has worked so far, but his staffers are hopeful. “It’s just a habit he has to unlearn,” said Biden staffer Melanie Chapman. “We’ll just keep working until–”

At that point, Chapman was interrupted by Biden putting his hands all over her face. “You’re doing it again!” Chapman informed him.

“Oh no,” Biden said. “Well, is it okay if I just rub people’s shoulders?”

“No, that is never okay,” Chapman told him.


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission.

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