Joe Biden picks Coronavirus as his 2020 running mate

Whom would Joe Biden choose as his running mate? This question loomed ever since Biden became the apparent 2020 Democratic presidential nominee, and it was finally answered today.

Biden and his advisors were looking for a candidate with sufficient name recognition and the ability to bring down Donald Trump’s presidency by canceling his crowded rallies and reducing his voter base. And the only candidate who checked all those boxes happened to be Coronavirus. “We may differ on some tactics, but our strategic goals and our vision for the country are the same,” Biden told reporters.

Of course, there had been tremendous pressure to choose a woman for that spot. Stacey Abrams, the Governor of Georgia in exile, was rumored to be an obvious choice. Others dropped names like Hillary Clinton or Michelle Obama. After all the Democratic Party’s support for women’s marches, not having a woman on the ticket in 2020 would have looked odd.

That hurdle, however, was lifted when scientists declared Coronavirus to be a radical feminist. “Viruses have evolved to hit men hard but go easy on women, and this makes the virus a natural women’s ally,” said Biden’s campaign spokeswoman. “They reproduce just like us, and they care not to hurt the hosts who can reproduce and create more hosts for viruses. In our book, Coronavirus matches the description of a powerful minority woman who can do all the things Stacey Abrams would do, plus much more. Her pronouns are now ‘she’ and ‘her’ and misgendering her should really be a hate crime.”

Many progressive women, including Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who used to support Bernie Sanders, have now switched sides in favor of the Biden-Coronavirus presidential bid.

“Let’s be honest,” Ocasio-Cortez said. “We all know how frail Joe is, and that’ll make Coronavirus the virtual leader of the free world for the next four to eight years. I am confident she will solve the Climate Change problem through a drastic reduction in world’s population, bringing our carbon footprint to acceptable levels. It’s the Green New Deal I can believe in.”

Her sentiment was echoed by the renown climate activist Greta Thunberg. “Getting rid of old people who stole my childhood? Cool!” Thunberg told reporters at her home on a school day.

Cecile Richards, the former head of Planned Parenthood for America, gave Coronavirus a ringing endorsement. “I wanted to see a woman on this ticket who shares Planned Parenthood’s goals and commitments, and Coronavirus makes it an easy choice,” she said.

Coronavirus did not respond to requests for comment.


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by Red Square on The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. © All rights reserved.

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