State Governors Flee In Terror As Hairstylists Wielding Shears Lead Mass Uprising

U.S.—Most people seemed to be pretty content just sitting in their homes watching their jobs disappear and having the government send them money every month, as long as more content keeps getting added to Netflix.

But hairstylists aren’t most people. They have begun what is being called the “Second American Revolution,” descending on state capitol buildings wielding scissors, shears, hairdryers, and curling irons. Governors of Democrat-controlled states fled in terror as the hairdressers, supported by barbers, bulked-up gym owners, and bizarrely strong Swedish masseuses, gathered to begin the fight for liberty.

“The hairstylists are here — run away!” cried California Governor Gavin Newsom as a woman charged him with a pair of swivel scissors. “The gun nuts don’t intimidate me, but these women — they scare me. Start the Prius!”

He leaped into his waiting hybrid, closing the door just in time as 17 different designer shears flew at him and stuck into the outside of the door.

“You may take our lives, but you’ll never take our salons! FREEDOM!” cried one woman wearing a blue face mask treatment and wearing a plaid skirt outside the Michigan state capitol in Lansing. “Chaaaaaarge!”

Governor Whitmer was forced to go into hiding but issued a statement saying any hairstylist who defies the crown and cuts hair will be drawn and quartered for treason, except, of course, her own hairstylist.

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