D.C. Mayor Announces Sweeping Renovations

Following the overwhelming positive response to the creation of “Black Lives Matter Plaza,” Washington D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser has announced plans for further progressive name changes.

A CNN poll of protesters in the D.C. Metro area over the weekend revealed near unanimous approval of renaming a portion of 16th Street leading to the White House to honor the heroes of the most recent round of protest and pragmatic activism.

“We think that this massive positive response from activists is a fair representation of the the District’s residents,” said District Planning Commission Spokesperson Lev Bronstein. “The polling sample cut across a broad demographic, with responses from a wide spectrum of political thought. We had everything from Traditional Marxists, to Leninists, to Maoists responding, and responding in approval, I might add, to the name change. We even had a few Trotskyites in agreement,” he said with a wry smile, “and you know how contrary that lot can be.”

Future changes include renaming the portion of Pennsylvania Ave between Edward R. Murrow Park and 17th Street “Arsonist Avenue” to honor these pioneers of radical urban renewal. A Section of New York Avenue between H Street and 15th Street Northwest will be designated “Looter’s Lane.”

Bronstein announced plans to renovate the latter thoroughfare into a high-end shopping district with enormous display windows. “It will be a real showcase,” he promised, “offering ease-of-access for high demand goods.”

Some alterations will not involve a wholesale change in a street name, but rather a simple alteration to reflect the character of the original street namesake. Alabama Avenue, for example, will now be known as “Alabama Trailer Trash Avenue,” while the word “Cracker” will be appended to the street signs on Georgia Avenue.

“The possibilities here are pretty awesome,” said Bronstein. “We can publicly shame and humiliate entire regions of the United States that do not embrace the proper deference to Social Justice, while at the same time demonstrate our civic pride in being so much better than these backward places.”

Other plans include an expansion of the street mural theme commissioned by the District government. The original, a cooperative effort between city-paid workers and BLM artists, consists of massive, street-wide yellow letters that stretch two blocks along the newly renamed Black Lives Matter Plaza, and read “BLACK LIVES MATTER” just to reinforce the name change.

Bowser said, “We certainly are very proud of the D.C. mural that we commissioned in our Department of Public Works and local artists installed. It is an affirmative piece of art, a centering piece of art where people from around the globe have called us and thanked us for acknowledging black humanity and black lives in the most important city in the world, and we are very proud of that art.”

Future Street art projects include a three-block-long “ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS” along Constitution Avenue, centered on the U.S. Marshals Service offices in the Prettyman Federal Courthouse Building, and a short but poignant “FUCK 12” on K Street in front of the District Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.

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