Biden Suggests Stopping Criminals By Making Them Slip On Banana Peels

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Joe Biden made a novel suggestion for cops and people who want to defend themselves against violent criminals: making them slip on a banana peel.

“Look, Jack, if a criminal is running toward you, you don’t have to shoot them,” Biden said at last night’s town hall on ABC. “All you have to do is pull out your trusty banana peel, throw it on the ground, and they’ll slip. It’s safe, humane, and hilarious.”

“Back in my day, cops didn’t even have guns. They just dropped anvils on bad guys, littered rakes around them so they’d get smacked in the face, or even tricked them by giving them a dynamite stick disguised as a cigar. BAM! It really cracked us all up.”

George Stephanopoulos stood and applauded at Biden’s suggestion, tears running down his cheeks. “Thank you, Mr. Vice President,” said the impartial moderator. “You are someone I will be proud to vote for and call my leader.”

At publishing time, Biden had further suggested painting a wall to look like a photorealistic tunnel and luring them into it so they’ll run into it and fall down.

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