DALLAS, TX—In an explosive interview, Chuck Norris has come out of the closet, finally revealing to the world that he is even manlier than everyone originally thought.
“It’s time to come clean. I’ve been living a lie for so long,” said the martial arts master and action movie star. “For a long time, everyone thought I was a regular manly man who could defeat bad guys with a single roundhouse kick, but the reality is that I think I’m at least three men trapped inside one man’s body.”
The action star went on to explain that for decades, he attempted to conceal his epic manliness in order to blend in with normal men, but kept failing as he amassed black belt after black belt.
“Some people in my life did grow suspicious when it was found that my tears cure cancer even though I’ve never cried, or when it was discovered that Superman wears Chuck Norris Pajamas. I always had some excuse to explain it away, but I’m tired of living that life,” he said.
Scientists worry that if Chuck Norris chooses to outwardly live as his fully manly self, it could be the end of all life in the universe as we know it. Chuck Norris has assured us that if he does accidentally end the universe with his epicness, we don’t have to worry because he’ll just slap together a new one.
EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.