WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his address to the nation yesterday, President Joe Biden said if everyone is very good this year, he’ll allow Americans to have some limited freedoms on July 4.
“If you are all good boys and girls, we can have a few freedoms back on the fourth of July,” he said. “It’ll be a nice treat for doing such a good job listening. Who’s a good boy? You are, Americans!”
Some of the freedoms Biden says Americans will be granted will include the following:
- Gathering in small groups of 1-3
- Enjoying barbecued food as long as it’s covered in hand sanitizer
- Shouting “Freedom!” as long as you shout quieter than you speak and everyone is wearing masks
- Launching government-approved fireworks that don’t spread too much celebration and freedom
- Waving flags as long as they aren’t the American flag
Americans say they are very excited by the prospect of maybe being able to celebrate some limited freedoms this year as long as they are on their best behavior. “Thanks, government!” said one man in New York. “I’m going to do my best to follow the rules so that maybe the government will let me have some very limited liberties this year!”
“That’s what Independence Day is all about!”
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