So, you’ve been canceled. Sad! Seriously though—it serves you right for saying “Ew, that song is gay” on AOL Instant Messenger when you were in high school. Shame on you! Now, the mob is out to destroy your life with devastating amounts of accountability!
Never fear—we at the Babylon Bee are experts in getting canceled and can help you out. Here are a few pointers:
1) Offer a tearful and heartfelt apology, which always makes cancel mobs go away: Apologies NEVER make things worse. Cancel mobs are extremely forgiving, and will always offer forgiveness if you apologize!
2) Lie down on your back with your arms and legs sticking up in the air as a sign of submission: This is even more effective if you also wet yourself.
3) Change your name, get plastic surgery so no one recognizes you, and move to Cambodia: This is the only country still accepting canceled people.
4) Distract the mob by yelling: “Look over there! It’s Tucker Carlson!”: Tucker is like a flashy fishing lure to these people. Works every time.
5) Be the world’s most famous author or the world’s most famous comedian: If your name is J.K. Rowling or Dave Chappelle, you might be ok. If not, tough luck!
6) Wait an hour for the news cycle to change: Don’t worry, they’ll be off canceling someone else in no time.
7) Declare yourself a Democrat presidential candidate: Virtually cancel-proof.
8) Invent a new gender for yourself; claim discrimination: “I am a proud racist-sexual! How DARE you!”
9) Get a job at The Daily Wire: Practice your Policygenius™ ad-reads and call up the god-king himself!
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.