Since time immemorial, legend has whispered of a hero prepared by the ancients to defend liberty and shoot commie pedophiles in the name of butt-kicking freedom. Our generation has been blessed to witness this hero in action. His name is Kyle Rittenhouse. Here are a few absolute truths about the based legend:
1) Tucker Carlson wears Kyle Rittenhouse pajamas: Rumors of a matching body pillow are unfounded.
2) His midichlorian count is off the chart- over 20,000: Not even Master Yoda has a midichlorian count that high.
3) Rittenhouse has never shed a tear, ever: Even while crying.
4) We stopped receiving transmissions from “Q” the moment he was taken into custody: Coincidence?
5) Standing downwind of Rittenhouse is guaranteed to cause testosterone poisoning: More “T” runs through his veins than is found in the entire Democratic party.
6) His AR-15 was forged by the ancient men of Westernesse with the magical ability to vanquish the dark armies of Communism: The Númenorian etchings are still legible.
7) Trump has tapped Rittenhouse as Defense Secretary in 2024: And Vice President.
8) According to legend, if a commie pedophile says “Rittenhouse” in the mirror 3 times, Kyle will pick them off from 500 yards away: One can only hope.
9) He was born on July 4th to a pair of majestic bald eagle parents: He did not shoot his way out of the womb as was once believed.
10) Rittenhouse is pro-vaccine: Oh crap! How did this one get in here?
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.