Are you thinking about buying a gun? Ew. What’s wrong with you? Gross! Just… ew. Guns are very problematic, and so are the people who use them. You don’t need one. Here’s why.
#1) You can always count on the police to protect you: That’s just a fact. Police are proven 100% effective at protecting innocent people!
#2) There’s no evidence to suggest the government would ever overstep and try to take away your rights: A government has literally never done this. Don’t be so paranoid!
#3) Guns make journalists wet their pants: If you live near a journalist and he hears you own a gun, he may wet his pants. You don’t want something like that on your conscience.
#4) Guns are NOT cool and awesome and fun to shoot and useful for protection: Just trust us on this. We’re journalists.
#5) Criminals have guns and use them to do bad things: You don’t want to be like a criminal, do you?
#6) Nobody’s going to break into your house when there’s plenty of free stuff to loot at Target: Relax. Seriously.
#7) Your much manlier neighbor already has a gun: You can just borrow his if you really need it!
#8) Gun handling is best left to the professionals: Like Alec Baldwin.
So do the world a favor and DON’T buy a gun. Don’t visit an online store for a fantastic deal on a firearm. Just don’t.
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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.