U.S. Sending Hashtags to Taiwan to Fend off Chinese Invasion

China has made over 140 sorties with combat aircraft near Taiwan’s airspace in a four-day period. The act of provocation was met swiftly and decisively by our Defense and State Departments.

At a White House press conference, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin warned, “First, we are going to vet all of our senior officers to assure that none of them have made any racially motivated jokes about Asians since kindergarten. If anything inappropriate is found out, they will be relieved of command immediately. We want the world to know that we will not tolerate extremism. Secondly, we are going to demand that the People’s Liberation Army use gender appropriate pronouns throughout all their ranks. Let Beijing be warned not to take us lightly on this. We have #respectallgenders hashtags ready to deploy in both English and Mandarin, and we’re not afraid to use them.”

Secretary of State, Antony Blinken, followed with equally stern warnings: “We are in a stare-down with the Chinese military, and we’re not going to blink. I would urge the Chinese government not to misread our hasty, ill-planned, and disastrous withdrawal from Afghanistan as an indication that America is lacking sound leadership. As we speak, military transport aircraft are en-route to Taiwan with #pleasedontbombus and #gunfreezone hashtags. These too are written in both English and Mandarin and make our message clear to allies and potential foes alike.”

When asked whether the stockpiling of hashtags was premature, White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki stated, “While some see the deployment of these hashtags as unnecessarily provocative, let me assure you that they will actually bring stability to the region and make the world safer. I am personally standing by with a red, white, and blue dress, a piece of posterboard, and a sharpie. I will declare #unitedfortaiwan so fast they won’t know what hit them. I did it for Ukraine and I’ll do it again for Taiwan. Don’t test us.”

Ending the conference by dramatically leaning forward to the microphone, President Biden, scowling behind his favorite pair of aviator shades, warned in a menacing whisper, “Let there be no doubt about the, you know, the thing.” Chinese intelligence officers are not completely sure whether “the thing” is a cryptic reference to a stockpile of nuclear hashtags which the United States has previously denied possessing.

CLICK HERE: To view Hashtag veteran Jen Psaki ready to issue a strong message to China

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by Komissar al-Blogunov on The Peoples Cube is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

2 replies
  1. Rob
    Rob says:

    The whole recruitment ad with the homo wedding and forced poison shots by threatening loss of pensions is something the adversaries would enjoy. Shay’s rebellion, for example, was because of taking the soldier’s pension funds that were originally promised to them before fighting the first war.

    Reply

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