10 Reasons Remote Learning Is So Much Better For Children

Let us rejoice, for teachers unions have once again rallied to protect the futures of vulnerable children by demanding months of remote learning.

If you are too ignorant to see how beneficial remote learning can be for your school-aged children, then let us blow you away with these facts:

1) It prepares them for life as adult drones staring at screens for hours: Experts agree, the one thing children need more of is screen time.

2) It will definitely not lead to a mental health crisis and surging suicides like it did last time: Additionally, it is sure to stop the spread of COVID-19, THIS TIME.

3) Face-to-face interaction sometimes leads to free thinking: We are well aware of the dangers caused by free thinking, aren’t we comrade?

4) Slight reduction in wedgies: Incessant bullying will be limited to older brothers.

5) It’s easier for the teacher to hide a Bloody Mary in her can of Diet Coke: And the little brats will stop asking why she smells like booze.

6) Representatives from the teachers union stopped by with some very convincing points: A few points included lead pipes and shattered patellas.

7) It didn’t work last time, and why change what didn’t work?: This is the official motto of the U.S. Department of Education.

8) The perfect transition to homeschooling: Plus, it will usher in traditional family structure as women are forced to abandon the workforce.

9) Eases kids into eventually being plugged into the matrix: It’s inevitable, but at least the steak will taste nice and you’ll know Kung Fu.

10) Fewer Chicago kids will get shot on their way to school: Actually, this one makes sense.

RELATED POLITICAL SATIRE COLUMN: Here Is The Chicago Teachers Union’s List Of 9 Demands Before They Return To Teaching

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

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