Biden Says Russia Can Invade Ukraine So Long As They Avoid Hunter’s Gas Company

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a surprise move, President Biden gave Russia the green light to launch an invasion into Ukraine, with the small caveat that they don’t blow up the oil company paying for Hunter’s art lessons.

“I looked Vladimir straight in the eye,” said President Biden in a haunting whisper. “I told him, I said – ‘Vlady boy, I know you’re going to invade Ukraine. I know, because every major news network in the world says so. So let’s get one thing straight. I’m okay with it. I don’t like Ukrainians with all their borscht, it upsets my tummy. But that oil company pays Hunter $50K a month, and do you know how expensive art lessons are these days, Vlad? You lay one finger on Burisma’s boardroom, and so help me I will nuke Stalingrad.'”

Ukrainian officials were reportedly caught off guard, and a little perturbed, by President Biden’s approval of them being invaded. “I thought we were friends. I gave him all that borscht,” said President Zelensky. “What even is a ‘minor invasion’? Is this some American term I don’t know? I thought I heard him say that before about a woman named Tara Reade. Get me my translator!”

Elsewhere, Chinese officials announced they were happy to hear that President Biden would be in support of their performing a “minor invasion” into Taiwan. Afghanis thanked President Biden for allowing the Taliban to only perform a minor takeover, and January 6th rioters asked to have their breaking into the Capitol re-classified as a “minor incursion”.

RELATED POLTICAL SATIRE COLUMNS:

San Francisco Store Clerk Confused As Shopper Actually Tries To Pay For Merchandise

‘Not On My Watch’: DeSantis Signs Executive Order That Green M&M Must Still Be Sexy In Florida

9 Offensive Candies That Need To Get Woke Immediately

‘The Misinformation Is Coming From Inside The Building,’ Whispers Terrified CNN Misinformation Team Member

EDITORS NOTE: This political satire column by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. All rights reserved. A Babylon Bee subscriber contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

0 replies

Leave a Reply

Want to join the discussion?
Feel free to contribute!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.