10 Ways To Spot The Closeted Conservative Working At Starbucks

Being a conservative working at Starbucks is more dangerous than being a Navy Seal behind enemy lines. If you want to play a fun game, try looking for the closeted conservative at your local Starbucks. There’s usually at least one. Just don’t out them, or you may ruin their lives!

Here’s how to spot that closeted conservative hiding in plain sight:

  1. Wears only one pride pin: Doing the bare minimum. It’s like he doesn’t even care about LGBTQ+ rights.
  2. Has fewer than 13 piercings: Also, be on the lookout for normal-colored hair.
  3. Drops everything and stands at attention whenever Trump’s face comes on the TV screen: Could also just be attracted to Trump. Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish the two.
  4. Kills spiders for all the liberal male employees: So manly.
  5. Says the conservative code words, “Merry Christmas”: The modern-day secret handshake.
  6. Gives you a respectful nod when you order black coffee: The official drink of red-pilled white cis-males.
  7. Spells names correctly: Sure sign of a quality classical homeschool education!
  8. Won’t let transients defecate on the restroom walls: Where does he want them to go? THE TOILET?! This is oppression!
  9. Doesn’t seethe when you assume his gender: Also, it’s possible to assume his gender quite easily.
  10. Refuses to make you a Unicorn Frappuccino: Have a little dignity, for goodness sake.

Share this list with your friends and turn your next Starbucks visit into a fun game!


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EDITORS NOTE: This political satire by The Babylon Bee is republished with permission. ©All rights reserved.

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